


hearts on fire

by woodchoc_magnum



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: 911 Season 2, 911 Season 3, Alternate Canon, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Drug-Induced Sex, Emotional Infidelity, First Kiss, M/M, Minor Character Death, Mutual Pining, POV Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-08
Updated: 2020-10-27
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:01:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 65,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26893345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/woodchoc_magnum/pseuds/woodchoc_magnum
Summary: In which Abby returns post 2x06 ("Dosed"), and Buck and Eddie's burgeoning relationship is put on hold.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 582
Kudos: 560





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> What if Buck and Eddie hooked up early on, but then Abby returned from her _Eat, Pray, Love_ adventure? That's what we're dealing with.
> 
> The timeline for this story is canon-compliant from 2x01 to 3x18 and it's entirely from Eddie's POV.
> 
> Small warning - This story is pretty laden with emotional infidelity (but no actual physical infidelity), and is heavy on the angst.
> 
> This story is complete and I will be posting new chapters every few days.
> 
> Welcome to the angst fest!

_Cover art by<https://ronordmann.tumblr.com/> _💖

* * *

* * *

"You. You're my problem."

Eddie arched an eyebrow and thought, _what a pissy little shit._

Hot, though.

He wasn't stupid – clearly there was something else at play and that was why Buck was so threatened by him, so he did his best to ignore it. He found it mostly amusing anyway, especially when everyone – literally everyone – took him aside to tell him what a great guy Buck was, that he was just going through a rough patch and that he'd get over it.

And sure enough, less than six hours later, Eddie was telling him that he could have his back any day, and Buck was responding with a grin, "Or you could have mine."

So he thought, _I will._

~

"Would you maybe want to grab a beer with me?" Buck asked him, a little hesitantly, three days after the earthquake. Three days after Eddie introduced him to Christopher and watched the big blonde man-child fall head over heels in love with his kid, making him feel nothing but warmth and affection for the guy.

So often people would stare, ask rude questions or make comments about how hard Christopher's life was (or was going to be). Buck talked to him like he was an adult for the whole car ride home, recommended some books for them to read and gushed to Eddie the next morning, "God, you've got such an awesome kid," like he'd always wanted one of his own.

Eddie couldn't blame him for that, really. He did have an awesome kid – the most awesome kid.

"Yeah, definitely," he said, bending over to tie his shoes. "Christopher is having a sleepover with his cousins tonight, so I'm wide open." And looking for something to do, other than just going to his empty house and watching TV until he fell asleep.

He drove, following Buck's directions to a hook and ladder bar not too far from the station. He couldn't help but glance over at Buck in the passenger seat of his truck as they drove along, wearing caramel khakis and a soft navy sweater. The guy looked good in anything, he'd begun to realise, with his long legs and broad shoulders.

He noticed men; he always had. He'd just never acted on it. He'd been with Shannon for a long time and even though they were separated, he still considered himself married. He hadn't been with anyone else since she'd left – hadn't met anyone he was interested in.

Until now.

Buck led him into the bar, tucking his wallet and phone into the side pocket of his pants, flashing Eddie a grin over his shoulder. He ordered them a couple of beers and some nachos at the bar, and then they found a table at the back and settled in across from each other. Eddie looked around – it was a smaller place, quiet, with an older crowd. If Buck had been deliberating over where to take him, he'd chosen well.

"So, how'd you like your first quake?" Buck asked him, his eyes twinkling. "You scaled that building like you've done it before."

Eddie grinned, shaking his head. "Nah. Had to climb through some crumbling buildings when I was in Afghanistan, a couple of times. Nothing on that angle though."

"Yeah, it was pretty intense."

"Have you been through a quake like that before?"

Buck shook his head. "I've only been on the team a year longer than you," he replied. "We've had a couple of smaller ones since I've been in LA, but that was the biggest."

Eddie nodded slowly and took a swig of beer. "So you're not from LA. I thought you were, for some reason."

"Is it my surfer boy vibe?" Buck asked with a grin.

He laughed. "No. Can you even surf?"

"Not at all. Gave it a try when I first got to town; felt like an idiot. You?"

"Never tried, but Christopher is desperate to learn."

He thought Buck would look surprised, but he said thoughtfully, "I bet there's a way he could learn, for sure. He does physical therapy, right?"

"Yeah," he replied, surprised.

"It'd probably be really beneficial for him. He may never be able to stand, but for sure he could paddle out and ride back in on his knees. I bet you could find an instructor to teach him."

"Wow," he said. "You really think so?"

Buck shrugged. "Why not? It's LA. There are classes for everything here."

"Do you want to come to the beach with us on the weekend?" he asked impulsively. "He's been wanting to go, and… maybe you know somewhere good for swimming."

"Oh yeah, definitely," Buck said eagerly. "I can think of a few places. That sounds great."

"If you're not busy."

"Nah, I'm not busy. Maddie is doing training at the call centre so I'm wide open." Buck crossed his legs, one arm draped over his stomach, the other holding a beer, balanced on his knee.

"Maddie's your sister," Eddie clarified, and he nodded. "And she just moved back to town?"

"Moved to town for the first time," Buck replied. "We're from Pennsylvania. She left her husband and came out here… we're not close with our parents."

That was surprising, and he wanted to question Buck in depth about it, but maybe not during their first ever getting-to-know-you conversation. This was a person he'd thrown in with relatively easily – he had a good feeling, and his gut was never wrong – but he still wanted to develop some trust before they started getting into the bigger issues, like… parents.

"So she's starting afresh," Eddie said. Wasn't he doing the exact same thing?

"Yeah," Buck agreed. "She's looking for a new apartment. Abby's place – uh, my place – only has one bedroom, so I've been sleeping on the couch while she's staying with me."

Chivalrous as well. "I have two sisters," Eddie said. "Adriana and Sophia. Sophia lives here, but Adriana is still in El Paso with our parents."

"Is that why you moved to LA? You have extended family here?"

He nodded. "Yeah, it made sense. Plus, it has the best training facilities and fire department in the country, and… yeah, we needed a change."

"You don't have that Texan drawl," Buck replied. "I knew a guy once from Texas and he talked like that actor, um… what's his name? Alright, alright, alright?"

"Matthew McConaughey."

"Yeah, him." Buck grinned at him. "It was pretty sexy; I wouldn't mind having a drawl like that."

He paused – did he think the accent was sexy or the guy with the accent was sexy? Was Buck… bisexual? Maybe? He could _hope._

"So where are you from in Pennsylvania?" he asked curiously.

"Philly. Well, just outside, but my parents worked in the city."

"But you don't have that stereotypical Philly accent," Eddie pointed out.

Buck laughed. "Nah, but I've moved around a lot since I left town when I was eighteen."

"You didn't enlist, did you?"

"No. Well, I tried out for the Navy SEALS and I decided I didn't like it," he replied. "And that led me to firefighting, but no. I was a bartender for a while. I drifted around."

"College?"

He shook his head. "Dropped out. You?"

"Never applied. I was working for my dad when Shannon got pregnant, and from there I joined the army, you know, so we'd have healthcare and stuff. Trying to support my family."

"I get it. Bobby said you were awarded the Silver Star. You must've done a good job." Eddie waited for him to ask why, but Buck simply finished the last of his beer, glanced over at the bar and said, "Hey, you want another?"

"Yeah, that'd be great," he replied, "but it's my shout. You wait here."

He was still stunned as he went to the bar to order a couple of beers. Everyone asked about it – _everyone._ Hen and Chimney had both wanted to know what he'd done, and Bobby was there for that conversation, though Buck… where the hell had Buck been? Oh, talking to his girlfriend on the phone, which was why he'd missed Eddie's stilted description – "Chopper went down and there was a fire fight; I was shot but I managed to save most of my team, and then we were rescued."

He didn't want to talk about it with anyone. He hated the fact that he'd been given an award for doing his job when one of his team was dead; when everyone had been injured and he'd thought he was going to die in the Afghan desert without ever really being a father to his kid. He hated thinking about it; hated the scars on his body. Constant reminders. He kept the award tucked away in a drawer. Anything to forget.

His choice to join the army had resulted in the loss of his marriage and the sacrifice of being there for Christopher's first... _everything_. It wasn't something he was proud about.

Buck smiled at him when he returned, taking the beer out of his hand, and gesturing to a huge tray of nachos on the table. "Dig in, man. You're good with jalapenos, right?"

Eddie eyed the mountain of chillies on the nachos and said, positively gleefully, "Fuck yes."

~

"She didn't leave me, you know," Buck said, one elbow on the table, the beer bottle dangling from his fingertips. "She went to find herself."

He was a bit drunk, and Eddie was on the way himself. "To find herself," he repeated. "Where'd she lose herself?"

That made Buck smile, even if it was more of a grimace. "I don't know, because… I would've done anything for her, Eddie. Anything she wanted. I love her."

God, this poor bastard. Eddie nodded, feeling guilty for wanting to hit on him. "You still talk, though."

"Yeah, we talk, but she's always in a rush, she's always gotta go… she hung up on me the other day. I was trying to tell her about the earthquake, and she said she didn't have time." Buck made a face, staring morosely at the wooden tabletop. "I feel like an idiot."

"You're not an idiot," Eddie replied firmly. He was on Buck's team and so by god, he was Team Buck, all the way. Abby was the idiot. "It's not stupid to fall in love with someone."

"I thought I could've been enough for her, you know, like… I could've been enough. I thought we made a good team." Buck rested his head on his hand, giving Eddie a miserable look. "You know?"

"Yeah, I know," he replied quietly. "I know, man. I'm separated from my wife; I know all about it."

Buck sighed. "What's wrong with us, dude?"

"I know what's wrong with me; I don't know about you. Because you seem like a great guy to me, but then, maybe I'm easy-going. I don't know."

Buck raised his eyebrows. "Why are you separated?"

"Ah…" he trailed off. "A lot of little reasons that became one huge reason. We got together really young and Christopher was a surprise… maybe we never would've gotten married if he hadn't come along. "

"That sucks."

"Yeah, it does. But listen – I don't think it's over with Abby," he said, trying to give the poor guy some hope. "Maybe she won't find what she's looking for over there."

"Maddie thinks she's probably sleeping around."

Eddie shrugged. "Then… that's up to you to decide what you do," he replied.

Buck tilted his head to the side. "You think I should sleep around too?"

"Oh god, dude, I don't know." _But yeah, if you wanted to hook up, sure. We could do that._ Eddie swigged his beer and eyed him, but that was clearly not Buck's line of thinking, as he stared morosely at his phone. To distract him, Eddie kicked his leg under the table and said, "Hey, why don't you come over one night after work? We can order pizza and watch a movie with Christopher. He's getting old enough that I can show him some classics, like _Ghostbusters._ "

"I've never seen it."

Well, Eddie's jaw dropped so hard and fast that he'd thought he'd dislocated it. "You _what?_ "

Buck's eyebrows flew up, and then a quick grin crossed his face. "I've never seen it."

"How in the _world?_ "

"I don't know."

"How old are you?"

Buck laughed. "Uh, 27?"

"I mean, yeah, it came out before you were born – before I was born too – but… everyone's seen _Ghostbusters_." Eddie rubbed his chin. "Yeah, okay, you're coming over. You've seen _Die Hard_ though, right?"

Buck hesitated, and then shook his head.

"No. _No._ "

"I don't know!"

"Were you… raised in the wild?" Eddie asked in horror, as Buck laughed loudly. "No, seriously. Seriously, were you?"

"No, my parents didn't let us watch movies."

"Why the hell not?"

"Uh, they don't promote learning, there's gratuitous violence and nudity and they'll rot your mind." Buck raised his eyebrows, his lips pressed together tightly. "So you get why I ran away, right?"

"You ran away."

"Yeah, as far and as fast as I could, as soon as I turned 18." Buck smirked. "Anyway, you could name any movie and there's an almost one hundred percent chance that I haven't seen it."

" _Escape from New York._ "

"No."

" _Lethal Weapon._ "

"Nope."

Eddie sighed. " _Twister._ "

"No."

" _Back to the Future._ "

"No, I'm telling you, Eddie – there's nothing. Oh – except _Jurassic Park_ and _Titanic_ , I've seen those."

" _Alien. Aliens. Rambo. Terminator. Terminator 2; Judgement Day. Speed. Point Break,_ " he listed, as Buck shook his head and laughed. " _Independence Day. Rocky. The Lord of the Rings."_

"Eddie, you can list every single movie and the answer will always be no."

"Well, this won't do, like, at all," Eddie said bluntly. "We're getting you up to date, starting with _Ghostbusters_ and _Ghostbusters 2_. What are you doing on Friday? Come over to my house, stay the night, catch up on your pop culture history. I'm not taking no for an answer."

Buck gave him a warm, genuine smile. "Okay. That'd be great."

~

They watched both _Ghostbusters_ movies on the Friday night. Eddie set up a nest on the floor of couch cushions and blankets, made popcorn, ordered pizza, and tucked Christopher in between them. Buck laughed all the way through the movies, totally engaged, pausing every so often so he and Christopher could giggle together.

Eddie looked at him thought, _Abby is insane for letting you go._

He put Christopher to bed, late, and then went out to the living room, where Buck had already organised the couch and tidied up. "I'll go," Buck said to him in a whisper. "It's late."

Eddie shook his head. "Stay over," he insisted. "The couch is comfortable. I'll get you some pillows."

But Buck shook his head, taking a step to the door. "Abby wants to video chat in the morning," he said, a little awkwardly. "But this was awesome. I loved the movies. Thanks so much, Eds."

"Next week you and I are watching _Die Hard._ "

"Is this going to become a regular thing until I'm all caught up?"

"Yeah, you got something better to do?"

Buck shook his head. "No," he replied, and Eddie was sure it was true. "Okay. Next week."

"We'll swing by and pick you up for the beach on Sunday morning," Eddie said firmly, and Buck nodded eagerly. "Okay. I'll text you when we're on the way."

Buck beamed at him. "Awesome."

They said goodnight, and Eddie watched him jog out to his Jeep, climbing easily into the driver's seat, waving out the window as he drove down the street. He locked the door, switched off the outside light and wandered through the empty house.

He'd really wanted him to stay.

~

Five days later, Buck changed his life.

He introduced Eddie to Carla as if it were the easiest thing in the world; without Eddie asking for help or even really explaining to him the situation. He'd made one comment, offhand, in Buck's presence about how hard the paperwork was, and Buck had found him the solution.

After she left, he was left alone in Abby's apartment with Buck who was so ridiculously out of place that it was almost laughable. Here was this big dude in this mint green apartment with a _'life does not have to be perfect to be wonderful'_ sign on the wall – but he'd clearly been taking such good care of the apartment while she was away. Everything was neat and tidy; like he didn't really live there at all.

Buck asked him if he wanted a beer before he headed home, and he agreed easily. Christopher was with Pepa and would be okay for another hour or so, and besides, Eddie wanted to do some snooping to understand why Buck was so hung up on this Abby woman.

When Buck excused himself and went to the bathroom, he stood up from his spot on the couch and wandered around, searching for a photo of the mystery woman, but came up blank. If they were as serious as Buck seemed to think they were, he'd thought he'd find a photo of them as a couple somewhere.

Abby was a woman with nice taste in furniture; her apartment was spacious, and she lived in a much nicer area than Eddie did. He peeked into the bedroom and saw a half-packed bag on the floor – either Buck was packing to leave, or he'd never unpacked, so that was interesting. Maybe he wasn't as hung up on her as Eddie had thought.

He was at the window when Buck came out of the bathroom. "You okay?" he asked, and Eddie turned around to find him hovering in the living room nervously. "I didn't overstep today, did I?"

"No, not at all," Eddie said emphatically. "You've saved my life. I can't thank you enough."

Buck smiled at him hopefully. "Okay, good. I just thought she might be able to help."

"You did good." Eddie stepped over to him, right into his space, and Buck blinked down at him with surprise. "Hey. Are you moving out?"

He blinked with surprise and glanced over at the open bedroom door. "Oh, my bag? No. I just… never unpacked."

"So you're still with Abby."

"Yeah…"

"So if I kissed you - that would be crossing a line for you," he said boldly. _Fuck it._

Buck's eyes went wide. "Um. You want to kiss me?"

"Yep. Just to say thanks."

"Is that how they say thank you in Texas?"

"It's how I say thank you to someone who means a lot to me."

Buck looked around the apartment, hesitating, and then said, "She's not coming back, Eddie. I've been fooling myself."

He wanted to say that he'd known for a while that she wasn't coming back – the words were right on the tip of his tongue – but Buck looked so sad and forlorn that he kept that thought to himself. Instead he said simply, "I'm here."

Buck let out a breath. "If I let you kiss me, I might not want you to stop kissing me."

"That's a risk I'm willing to take," Eddie said, brushing his fingers against Buck's hand. "I'm bi, if that's not clear."

"Yeah, me too."

"I knew it."

Buck grinned. "Yeah, I had a feeling about you too. But you're… still married, are you…"

"I haven't seen or spoken to Shannon in three years," Eddie replied. "It's not an issue."

They stared at each other. Eddie wanted to close the gap and kiss those pretty, perfectly plump lips – he wanted to touch someone for the first time in three years and be kissed back, he wanted… he wanted Buck, more than anything, and Abby was a fucking idiot.

And then Buck leaned in, hesitated for a split second before pressing his lips against Eddie's in a chaste kiss – barely lingering there before pulling back, though when Eddie grabbed him by the back of the neck and tugged him in again, he offered no resistance.

That was how they ended up making out on the couch in Abby's apartment, Eddie straddling Buck's lap, kissing him, savouring the feeling of having hands on his body, all over him, and it'd been so fucking long. Buck made soft little noises, deep in his throat, and he especially liked it when Eddie pushed his fingers through his hair, tilting his head back, parting those lovely pink lips of his.

Buck's eyes were the clearest, most vivid blue he'd ever seen. His hands were large, and they wandered smoothly over his body, touching everywhere, sliding up under his shirt and lightly scratching his back. Eddie tugged on Buck's shirt a couple of times, wanting to pull it off, but mustering all the willpower in the world, he was able to restrain himself.

If they didn't stop, they'd end up fucking on Abby's expensive couch, and when Eddie pulled off him and sat to his side, his fingers still twisted in Buck's hair, they shared a long look.

"I'll get tested," Buck said, his voice hoarse.

"Me too." Eddie licked his lips and checked his watch. "Fuck, I gotta go. Next time, though… next time. You and me?"

Buck nodded, a small smile playing on his lips. "Can't wait to get your clothes off."

"Yeah, I bet." Eddie leaned in to kiss him again and managed to drag himself away.

The taste of Buck was still on his lips as he headed across town to pick up Christopher, full of hope and possibility.

~

A week later, and they were both doped out of their brains on drugs.

Eddie had never taken drugs before. He'd been offered pot once or twice and had always turned it down. If his father had caught him smoking pot it would've been all over, and so he'd never partaken. Had never really been interested in it anyway, so it was no great loss.

But whatever this was, it wasn't pot. He'd seen his friends on pot and they were kind of silly and stupid. This felt like his brain was firing all over, and he couldn't make it stop – couldn't stop the things dancing in front of his eyes or the way his skin felt like it was about to leap off his body. He felt like he was only staying sane because Buck was nearby, even if he looked just as bewildered as Eddie felt.

Someone decided it wasn't safe for him to go home, and so he ended up at Abby's apartment with Buck. As soon as he was inside he remembered them kissing, but he had enough sense to wait until Athena had left and the door was locked before he grabbed Buck by the collar, his brain full of flashes of sex and want and lust and need, firing red – everything was red, like the beating of his heart or the blood flowing directly to his dick.

His dick, which Buck had in his hand, even though they weren't even kissing, just tearing at each other and grunting in Abby's kitchen in front of that stupid _'life does not have to be perfect to be wonderful'_ sign, the truest testament of a basic bitch if Eddie had ever seen one.

Buck's skin lit up when Eddie had his hands on him – everywhere he touched, Buck's skin ignited, leaving a trail of shimmering sparkles in his wake. The world itself was glowing, and it was only the two of them as far as Eddie could tell, just him and Buck. Everyone else was gone. Everything else had faded away and all that was left was the two of them.

They ended up in the bedroom. He was naked, he knew that, and Buck was on his back on the bed, pulling Eddie down on top of him. He just wanted to be touched, wanted Buck's hands on him, kept begging him for it. "Touch me, please, please, please… I need you, please touch me. Don't stop touching me."

Buck obliged him because Buck was a nice and obliging guy, and his hands were big, and they left imprints all over Eddie's back and his ass, which Buck kept grabbing and squeezing as they thrust against each other.

And then he was on his back with Buck on top, smothering him, drowning him in his touch and the way he tasted and how hot he was – like, hot to the touch, burning up, making him feel alive for the first time in years. He'd had a feeling in his gut that LA was the right place, that good things were going to happen for them here and he'd found the best thing so quickly, his Buck, beautiful Buck, who fucked like a god.

And he came for the first time, his brain exploding with pleasure. It'd been so long, and he hardly ever masturbated - only when he really needed the release, when Christopher wasn't at home… he'd been lonely. So fucking lonely. He loved his kid – god, he loved his kid – but he hadn't been touched or felt desired in so long, by anyone… sure, he was the hot dad but those women weren't interested in him for _him_ , and Buck was.

That was why it was different.

He was babbling – god, was he saying this _out loud?_ \- and Buck was nodding seriously, his pupils dilated. He was still on top and Eddie could feel his hard dick between his legs, still thrusting against him – fuck, what were they even doing, where was Christopher? He froze, thinking, panicking, but then Buck kissed him again and he remembered, _oh right, there is nothing else, there's just us now._

"Eddie, Eddie," Buck was whispering urgently, thrusting between his thighs so hard they were rocking the bed. "You're so beautiful, Eddie. I'd be good to you, you know? I'd be really good; I'm such a good boyfriend, I promise…"

He believed that, nodding vigorously, because of course Buck was the perfect boyfriend. Eddie wasn't perfect – not by a long shot, not at all, he was a terrible husband and he could never say what he was really thinking, and what he was really thinking was, "I could be good to you too, I could be enough for you," so he said it out loud.

And Buck grabbed his hands and pushed them over his head, staring down at him wildly, and said, "You're like a _painting come to life._ "

He had no idea what that meant but he nodded, leaning in to kiss him again. Kissing Buck made everything else disappear, and he liked it that way. No worries, no bad thoughts, no responsibilities, no PTSD, no nightmares, no nothing – just Buck. He could be enough for Buck, he was sure.

~

Eddie awoke with a groan.

"Eddie." Buck's voice was hoarse.

"Yeah."

"I think we got drugged, man."

Eddie turned his head to the side and found Buck in a bed beside him, naked. He was naked too. And sticky. And kind of sore, all over, but not like he'd they'd actually had penetrative sex, but like… he was bruised, maybe. His muscles were aching.

They looked at each other. Buck shook his head. "I'm so sorry," he said, closing his eyes. "I barely remember anything other than… you begged me to touch you, and I couldn’t not."

He sat up. He was covered in come, dried and tacky, on his stomach and between his thighs. Buck looked so goddamn ashamed of himself, like it was his fault that they'd been given drugs and ended up having sex – kind of?

"Are you okay?" he finally asked Buck, suddenly feeling guilty for his part in it. "Did I hurt you?"

"No. Well, I've got a bunch of hickeys," Buck replied, sitting up and dropping the sheet. Sure enough, Eddie had left a plethora of love bites across his chest and ribs.

"We didn't… uh… I don't think we went all the way."

"No. I'm still sorry."

"I'm sorry too. I wanted our first time to… be better than that, though… I'm guessing I enjoyed it. I don't really remember." Eddie threw the sheets off and stood. Buck stared at him from the bed, and he looked down at himself – yep, covered in dried ejaculate.

Buck said quietly, "Fuck, you're hot."

"You're not so bad yourself there, Buckley." Eddie checked his watch, found that it was nearly 6am, and groaned. "I guess someone called Carla and told her I wasn't coming home? Fuck. I wonder where my phone is."

"We should have a shower before you go." Buck stood as well, and that was when Eddie realised the full extent of what he'd done and hissed.

"Oh shit. Buck, I scratched your back up pretty good."

Buck chuckled, and said, "Eddie, I did the same thing to you. And you've got a big hickey on your ass. Sorry."

"Jesus Christ," he muttered.

"Yeah." Buck rubbed his face, and said, "Come on. Shower, and then you should go check on Christopher."

It just made sense to shower together. They lathered each other up with soap and rinsed off under the hot water, and when they were done, Buck stepped out first, held out a towel and wrapped Eddie up in it.

Eddie looked up at him with a smile. "Thanks."

Buck hesitated only briefly, and then pulled him in for a hug. "Sorry," he said, pressing his face against Eddie's neck. "I'm really sorry."

"It's not your fault."

"That's not how I wanted that to go."

"It's okay. I hardly remember any of it… but I know everything you did was fine," he said reassuringly, "and that I wanted it too."

He barely recalled any of their night together - it was like his memory had been wiped. There were vague flashes here and there – he remembered a vague fascination with some balloons and being freaked out by handcuffs, but all he remembered of Buck was just heat, and kissing, and feeling good.

He chalked it up to a win, kissed Buck thoroughly, and called an Uber.

~

Christopher was fine, though confused as to why Eddie simply hadn't come home when he was supposed to. Eddie really wasn't sure what to tell him, and he was hesitant about leaving him for the day when he received a text from Bobby to take the day off, to ensure the drug was out of his system before returning to work.

Instead of sending Christopher to school, he kept him home for the day, and at around midday he called Buck and asked if he wanted to come over and hang out. Buck was there in less than an hour, bringing with him some burgers for lunch, and they chilled out in the living room and played board games as the day turned into night.

Buck started making excuses to leave as the sun was setting, obviously trying to give them some alone time, but Christopher clung to him and begged him to stay, and Eddie pulled him into the kitchen to steal a kiss and said firmly, "Stay."

So Buck did, with a happy smile on his face, settling down with Christopher on his lap to watch a movie. Eddie had picked out _Back to the Future_ , and he sat down beside Buck on the couch, their shoulders pressed together comfortably.

After Christopher was in bed asleep, he kissed Buck near the door, tugging on his shirt lightly.

"I'm going to move out," Buck said against his lips. "Come house hunting with me on the weekend?"

"Yep."

"Great." Buck kissed him again. He tasted like popcorn and soda and something so perfectly Buck – the taste of him went right to his dick, and he grabbed Buck's hand and pressed it to his groin. "Fuck," Buck hissed. "You drive me crazy."

"I want you," he said, punctuating each word with a kiss.

"I'm all yours."

~

But he wasn't.

A week later, Abby came back.

He'd stupidly thought she wouldn't, that was the thing. That was the real kick in the ass thing about it – he'd lulled himself into a false sense of security, that this Abby person had simply tossed Buck aside, when in actual fact she was on some kind of spiritual journey and she'd apparently found herself, and decided he was what she wanted.

And the other thing? Buck didn't even _tell him_.

He found out from Hen at work the next morning, as he waited for Buck to arrive. Hen had heard from Chimney who'd heard from Maddie that Abby had called Buck, said she was coming home to him, and asked him to pick her up at the airport. He hadn't even mentioned it, and on the weekend his tongue had been in Eddie's mouth, and they'd been looking for an apartment for him and talking about sleeping together, finally, properly, and now… it was over.

He was _pissed,_ but he couldn't avoid Buck at work, and so he shoved all his emotions down deep inside. After all, that was what he was good at – no need to change things now. Buck was quiet, though everyone's eyes were on him, awaiting an explanation – it was unusual for Buck to be so tight-lipped. Even Eddie knew that, and he'd only known the guy a few months.

It was when they were heading out to their cars that evening that Buck took him by the elbow, pulled him around the side of the building in the darkness and said, "I had no idea she was coming back. She turned up out of the blue."

He nodded, his hands on his hips.

"And… we're not together," he said after a moment.

Well, fuck. They were on their way to something, weren't they? "Yeah, you've made that pretty clear," he said snidely.

Buck blinked. "No, I meant… she and I aren't together. And you and me… I don't even know what we are, Eddie. We make out a lot but… I don't know what you want. We've never talked about it."

He wanted to say that he didn't just make out with anyone; that he wasn't the kind of guy who had notches on his bedpost. He'd slept with less than ten people, in total, over the course of his life, and every single person he'd slept with, he'd had some kind of connection.

He'd occasionally had men and women hitting on him over the last three years and he'd turned them all down – every single one. Buck was different… he'd thought Buck was different, but he guessed Buck didn't operate the same way, and maybe sex wasn't as personal to him as it was to Eddie.

Buck was staring at him, waiting for a reply. He had to save face – had to protect himself – and so he folded his arms across his chest and said, "We're just… fucking around. Aren't we? Friends with benefits?"

A flicker of something crossed Buck's face. "I guess?"

"Okay."

"Eddie, I… I didn't think she was coming back," Buck said helplessly. "I'm sorry. I… love her."

"I know, man. It's okay." Eddie shrugged at him, trying to seem nonchalant.

"Eddie," Buck said again, his voice low. "I just… maybe you could tell me what you want."

He shrugged his shoulders quickly and said, "I want you to be happy, so… you should be the woman you love, and we'll just forget this ever happened."

"Do you really mean that?"

"Yeah, Buck. It was just a bit of fun." He paused, and then said the one thing he knew would push Buck over the line – "I've always got your back. That won't change."

Buck let out a breath and nodded. "Me too."

"Okay." Eddie stepped away from him, swallowing hard. "See you tomorrow."

"Eddie," he heard Buck say, but his eyes were full of tears. He pretended as though he hadn't heard him and climbed into his truck, pulling away before Buck could stop him.

~

His kid was the most perceptive kid in the world, or maybe Eddie wasn't doing a good job of hiding his feelings. Either way, when it came time to read a bedtime story, Christopher took the book out of his hands after a page, looked at him seriously and asked, "What's wrong, Dad?"

God, he hated showing emotion. It had been drilled into him as a kid never to show any kind of emotion whatsoever – if he hurt himself and cried, his father would yell at him. The same rule didn't apply to his sisters.

Eddie had his own limitations, but he had no interest in raising Christopher the same way, so he said quietly, "I've had a bad day."

"What happened?"

He couldn't tell Christopher the truth – not when the kid practically worshipped Buck. So he said, "Just grown-up stuff, kiddo."

"Maybe Buck could cheer you up."

Worst idea ever. "Maybe," he said, resting his chin on Christopher's head. "I think I'd prefer a hug from you."

"I'm a good hugger."

"You're the best hugger." Eddie gave him a squeeze, pulling him in tight.

They stayed like that for a while, until Christopher was breathing deeply, fast asleep. Eddie tucked him in, flicked off the lights and wandered out to the living room to watch some TV. He checked his phone and found a voicemail from Buck.

He could delete it, but what would that solve? He was going to have to see Buck every day at work. He had to face this, whatever it was, and so he listened.

_"Hey, Eddie… I know it wasn't just friends with benefits. You're not like that and neither am I… I feel like shit, but… she could be the love of my life, and she came back, so I have to try. Don't hate me, because… this is going to sound fucking stupid, having only known you for a couple of months, but you're the best friend I've ever had. You and Chris mean so much to me. I don't want that to change. Call me back, if you want, or… we could grab a coffee tomorrow. I could buy you a coffee – I'll buy you a coffee tomorrow, Eds. Black with one sugar, right?_ " There was a nervous laugh, and then, _"Okay. See you tomorrow."_

Eddie ended the call, thought about smashing his phone on the ground but resisted.

Christopher was asleep, so he retrieved his emergency bottle of whiskey from the top cupboard above the fridge and poured himself a scotch on the rocks. He wandered out to the living room, listening to the ice cubes clinking in the glass as he swirled his drink. He took a seat on the couch, had a sip, and thought clearly, _I'm not giving up on him._

They had a connection; of that he was sure. He'd felt it from the day they first met, when Buck had given him an up and down look, fear written all over his face. Fear that Eddie was there to replace him, to take his spot within the team – Eddie could read him like a book. Buck had floated through life without many connections, had finally found a place of his own with people who loved and cared about him like a family should, and he was terrified of losing it.

Eddie understood it, totally. He'd fled his family, hadn't he? Searching for something different and better. People who shared the same kind of values he did. People who would defend him and be on his side. Have his back.

Buck was that person. Christopher was his joy, the love of his life, but Buck was a bright spark in a life that was otherwise devoid of light, and fun… Buck was brighter than the sun.

He took a sip, staring into space. He'd wait and see – what else could he do? He wasn't the sort of person to try to break up a relationship. He was Buck's friend, first and foremost. He'd never really had a best friend either. Maybe it would do them both some good to just focus on that instead of whatever else might be going on between them.

Friends first, and if circumstances changed, he'd… deal with it. Somehow.


	2. Chapter 2

Buck wordlessly handed him a coffee the next morning at work, and Eddie met his eyes and gave him a nod. Buck tried to smile at him, but it was more of a grimace. He wanted to talk, but Eddie really didn't, and so he just patted him on the shoulder and joined Hen and Chimney in the kitchen.

It was awkward. Hen was the first to notice something was wrong, and Eddie saw her pull Buck aside to question him, and not ten minutes later she had Eddie bailed up behind the ambulance as well, her hands on her hips, trying to figure him out. Impossible. He had an excellent poker face and was able to deflect her easily.

He hated that Buck was so tentative around him. When Bobby mentioned Abby's return, Buck had practically frozen on the spot, as though he wanted to sink into the floor and vanish.

Eddie couldn't stand it, so after dinner he pulled Buck aside and said, "I got your voicemail. We're okay. You took me by surprise, but I understand. You've gotta do what you've gotta do, I get it."

Buck swallowed hard. "I don't want to not be your friend."

"Hey, I've got your back, right? I don't give up on people that easily," Eddie reassured him. "Listen – Christopher spent all night last night asking when we were going to hang out again, so… I'd like to continue the movie night tradition, and I was thinking you could come bowling with us on Sunday."

"Bowling?" Buck's voice lifted. "Christopher can bowl?"

"Well, no, but he has an assist from his father who is pretty good at it," Eddie bragged, and Buck relaxed enough to smile – an actual, genuine smile. "What do you say? Buckley vs Diaz?"

"You're on," Buck agreed, holding out his fist.

Eddie bumped it. They were okay.

~

He and Buck might've sorted things out, but he certainly wasn't expecting Shannon to come back into his life less than a week later. It had the bonus effect of distracting him while Buck was off rekindling things with Abby – he was hardly paying attention to _that_ , other than what he was hearing from the others at the station. Nobody had said anything explicit, but it was implied that Abby wasn't their favourite person. He heard Chimney talking to Hen one day about how Abby was a user, and he'd desperately wanted to press for details, but Hen was smart, and she'd see right through him, of that he was sure.

Shannon kissed him outside of Christopher's potential new school, and then gave him a wounded look when he gently pushed her away. "I can't," he said firmly. "This isn't about that."

"Us getting back together."

"No."

Shannon tilted her head to the side. "Did you meet someone else?"

With Shannon, honesty was always the best policy, and he'd never lied to her. He said, "Yeah, I met a guy, and I'm pretty gone for him."

She gave him a knowing look. "A guy," she repeated. "Ah. That makes sense, now that you're away from your parents and you can just be yourself for once."

"You're okay with it?"

"Yeah, Eddie. We've been apart for three years. I was dating a guy for a while last year." Shannon's bright yellow dress blew around her legs. "And I know… it's early, but I'd love to see Christopher. If you'll let me."

He nodded. "Just… give me some time, okay? We'll work up to it. Maybe we could get a coffee during the week and talk."

"You can tell me about your mystery man."

He grinned. "Yeah, well… he's not really mine, but… I like him enough to wait."

"That's arrogant of you, to think that he'll be available again." He flinched, looking away from her. Shannon tilted her head to the side and then said quietly, almost disappointed - "Oh. You really like him."

He lifted his shoulders in a shrug. "He's with someone else… I'm just trying to be his friend. That's all."

"Okay," she said softly. "He must be pretty special."

"Yeah, he is. Christopher loves him. Anyway… coffee. We'll organise it."

~

"I had to meet up with Shannon," Eddie said to Buck, as he settled into the seat across from him. They were at their bar, grabbing a drink and some food after work. He'd invited Buck and was surprised when he'd readily agreed, thinking he may have had something on with Abby.

"What brought that on?" Buck asked with concern. He looked damn good, in a white t-shirt with a blue button-up over the top. Eddie loved it when Buck wore blue. He thought he looked nicest in his uniform, and he looked especially nice when he was rappelling down a cliff face in a harness.

"The school wanted to meet her before they'd accept Christopher," he explained. "She had to go in for a meeting. She's been in LA the whole time, I just… I haven't felt comfortable reaching out. I didn't move here so she could be reunited with him, but it was in the back of my mind."

Buck nodded, both hands wrapped around his beer bottle. "Are you concerned that she might want to take Christopher away? Or have 50/50 custody?"

"I honestly don't know. She's his mother, so if she really wanted to, she could go for that… but I've been his primary caregiver for the last three years. I mean… if it went before a judge… I'm not sure I could fight her off. But it's not going to get to that point; we're going to figure things out amicably. I don't have any hard feelings towards her. My parents do, but I don't."

Buck had a strange look on his face. "She… has had no contact with Christopher? In three years?"

Eddie shook his head. "None."

"How? Why?"

"Ah…" he trailed off, glancing up at those big blue eyes - the trusting eyes of a person who had never known him at his worst. "I wasn't a very good husband."

Buck looked confused. "In what way?"

"I… thought I was doing the right thing. I enlisted when she fell pregnant, so we would have healthcare and a steady paycheck. I mean, you… join the army, you know what happens, right? You go through basic training for months, and then you get like a week at home and then they send you to war. And I didn't… realise how much she needed me there with her." He sipped his beer, eyes trained on the table. "My parents are overbearing. They think they're right about everything. When Christopher was diagnosed, they… took it upon themselves to try to control the situation and control her."

Buck grimaced. "Okay."

"And… I get back after my first tour, and things are bad, Christopher barely knows me… and we still need money for his treatment. He needed surgeries, physical therapy… ongoing treatment," he said quietly. "All of which costs money, so… I re-enlisted without telling her, and they shipped me straight back to Afghanistan."

"Fuck, Eds."

"Yeah, I was… not great at communicating. I'm still not." He had another fortifying sip of beer, meeting Buck's sympathetic eyes for the first time. "And then we were shot down in the middle of the desert, and I really thought I was going to die, and all I could think about was him. Getting home to him. I love that kid, Buck. I love him with every fibre of my being, and I was sure I was going to die out there. But they rescued us just in time, and I received an honourable discharge for my troubles."

"The Silver Star," Buck said quietly. "From that?"

He nodded. "Yeah. Never leave a man behind, Buck. That's the motto I live by."

"It's a good one." Buck swallowed a mouthful of beer. "So you came back, and… things still weren't great, I guess?"

"No. She wanted us to leave; she wanted me to agree to move away, but at the time I thought the best thing was to stay in El Paso where we had a support system. As overbearing as my parents are, I still thought that it was better than the alternative. Plus, I had more prospects of being employed in El Paso. I could work for my dad again. But her mother was dying of cancer and she wanted to go, and so… she left, in the middle of the night. Left us." He paused; his eyes fixed on a spot on the table. "I know why she did it. Honestly, I don't blame her. I ended up doing the same damn thing – I ran away as well, to put some distance between me and my parents. You know they wanted to take Christopher from me? They wanted me to sign him over to them, because they don't think that I'm a good father to him." He could barely force the words out, so filled with shame. "My mother told me… to my face, Buck, that I was going to drag him down with me."

And then he couldn't speak, and shook his head, tears burning in his eyes.

Buck's jaw was hanging open, his eyes wide. "They said that to you? _Eddie._ "

He scrubbed his face with his hand and then folded both arms across his chest, blinking rapidly.

Buck fell silent, his eyes shining with tears as well. They were both silent for a few moments, collecting their thoughts, and finally he leaned across the table and said, "I don't have a good father, Eds. He doesn't care about me. He only cares about his career and making money, nothing else. He had two kids and I don't think he knows either of our middle names or our birthdays. In fact, I don't think he even knows where I live."

Eddie bobbed his head.

"So let me tell you something," he continued. "When I saw you on the day of the earthquake, freaking out about Christopher, I started thinking to myself, is this what a good dad looks like? Is this how you're supposed to react? And then I saw you sprint into that school and hug your son like you'd convinced yourself that you'd never hug him again, like… you genuinely thought you were never going to see him again, and I thought how amazing it was. How amazing you are. I know we've only known each other a few months but you're the greatest dad I've ever met, and Christopher is so, so lucky, Eddie." Buck hit the table with his fist lightly. "Don't ever let them convince you otherwise."

"I wasn't there."

"But you are _now._ You're incredible. Your parents are fucking assholes, and believe me, I would know." Buck sat back in his seat, slumping down. "You haven't forgiven her for leaving."

"Not yet," he admitted. "But… I feel like I can, because I understand why… I just don't trust her not to do it again. Not to get his hopes up and then decide it's all too hard. Jesus, Buck. He's just a kid. He deserves his mom, I know that. I don't want to keep them apart, I just… I will have to pick up the pieces."

"Maybe she won't leave."

"Yeah, maybe. Optimist," he said, pointing at Buck. "I'm a realist."

"No, you're a pessimist." Buck looked up as their food arrived, flashing a smile at the waitress. "Take things slow," he suggested, snagging a corn chip from the bowl in the middle of the table. "Feel her out. Make a decision from there."

He nodded. "Yeah. We're going to meet to talk about everything."

"That's a good first step." Buck eyed him, and then murmured, "Are you… going to get back together?"

"No."

"Not even if she wants to?"

"No."

Buck paused, and then asked hesitantly, "Why not?"

"Because I'm not in love with her anymore," he said simply. "There's no point in trying to force it. I'm not in love with her, and she's not in love with me."

"So you might… date, then," he said uncertainly.

"Nah, I'm focused on my job and Christopher. How's Abby?" he asked, changing the subject. Buck hadn't mentioned her once, had hardly spoke about her at work at all, and he was curious.

Buck hesitated. "Are you sure you're okay if I talk about it?"

He shrugged. "I asked you, didn't I?"

"Yeah." Buck eyed him, and then said, "Well, we've had some big conversations. She was pretty surprised that I was moving out of her apartment. She wanted me to stay, but I signed a lease for the loft I looked at with you and I think I'd be better off not rushing into anything, you know?"

Eddie nodded, swigging his beer.

"I didn't tell her about you… I told her that you and Christopher are my new friends and I'll be spending a few nights a week with you guys, because we've started this routine and… I want to continue it. I think she thought it was weird? I don't know." Buck made a face, and then said in a low voice, "I don't know what I'm doing, and I don't know what she wants. She keeps making all these future plans – when _we_ do this, kind of thing? And I'm just like… I don't _know._ Six months ago, I would've done anything she wanted, but now? She pretty much ghosted me."

"But you're taking her back, aren't you?" he asked, hoping he sounded reasonable.

"Not… completely. I told her I wanted to try dating rather than rushing into anything. She kinda got pissy at me, but Eddie… we didn't really date before. We tried to, but things always seemed to happen to interrupt it. She seemed to think that she would come back, and I would just be waiting for her." Buck downed a mouthful of beer, his shoulders hunched over. "I asked her point blank if she really meant to come back, and she said she did. But I don't know. If she really wanted to be with me, why didn't she keep in touch?"

_Because she didn't really want to be with you. She was using you. She's still using you, for whatever reason._

He said instead, "I don't know. I've never been travelling like that; I don't know how hard it is to keep in touch."

"But if you loved someone," Buck pressed, "wouldn't you want to talk to them?"

"Yes." Of course – he'd stayed in contact as much as he could when he was in Afghanistan. Video chats, phone calls, texting, emails – as much as he could, as often as he could. If he could stay in touch with Shannon and the rest of his family while he was in _Afghanistan_ , it was certainly reasonable that Abby could stay in touch with her boyfriend while she was in Italy.

"So…" he trailed off, screwing his face up. "So that's why I said that we need to take it slow."

"Probably a good call," he said, without really thinking it through.

Buck raised his eyebrows. "You think?"

He paused, not wanting to seem as though he was desperate for Buck to take things slowly. The last thing he wanted was for Buck to think that he was trying to sabotage things. "If what you're saying is true, then you guys do need to get to know each other properly. You can't just leap into a full-blown relationship with someone you hardly know. That's why you date first."

"Yeah," Buck agreed hollowly. "But I've never done this before."

Eddie made a face. "What, dated?"

"Yeah…"

"Well, it's not hard."

He let out a huff of laughter, shaking his head. "That's not what I meant. I've never dated anyone before; I've never had a serious relationship."

Confused, he asked, "Abby wasn't serious?"

"Not as serious as I thought it was, I mean, she took off overseas at the first opportunity. And like I said, Eds, she and I… there wasn't a lot of me in there. It was all her – her issues, her mother, her drama… I mean, I'm making it sound worse than it is," he quickly back-tracked, "because I know she likes me as a person, but… she hardly knows anything about me. You know more than she does."

"Well, I'm your best friend," he said simply.

Buck lit up with a smile, ducking his head. "Yeah, you are."

Eddie found the whole situation unusual, and asked, "Didn't you get to know each other before you leapt into things?"

"Yeah, to an extent." Buck hesitated, eyeing him, and then murmured, "She was the first woman who showed an interest in me without wanting to instantly jump in the sack. Everyone else just wanted… to fuck me. I mean… it never bothered me too much but then I started thinking there could be something more, you know? Like… I always wanted a _relationship_. Someone to share my life with. I thought that she could be that person, but now… I don't know what I want."

Eddie felt cold, all over. Had he done that? Had he used Buck for sex? Is that what Buck thought had happened between them? He'd pretty much told him it was just a friends-with-benefits thing and pushed him away, but… he hadn't realised the _history._

Buck wasn't paying him any attention, his eyes trained on the football game playing on the television above them. Eddie suddenly wanted to apologise to him, but he worried that if he _did_ , Buck would realise that he hadn't been entirely truthful when he pushed him away… and the last thing Eddie wanted to do was make Buck _choose._

What if he wasn't the one chosen? What would happen then?

Finally Buck's eyes turned to him again, as though realising he'd been silent for too long, and Eddie said, hoping he sounded reasonable and level-headed, "Listen – I know you're all mixed up about this, but it's simple. You date her. If you like her, you keep dating her. If you're still all torn up about it in a few weeks and things haven't become clearer, that's when you reassess."

"I'm still thinking about you," Buck admitted in a low voice. "And feeling like shit."

_Fuck._ Was he? His heart leapt at that, but he tried to say expressionless. Why was Buck feeling like shit? Had he wanted something more too?

They gave each other a long look. Eddie wondered what harm he would do if he told Buck that he had feelings too, and wanted something more, and maybe they could be a good match for each other?

And then the fear and doubt crept back in. Buck wouldn't choose him. He waited for Abby for _months_. He would want to be with her.

So Eddie said (aiming for nonchalance, and hoping he would succeed), "Hey, it's bad timing. I'm not going to make you choose. I'm not like that. I'd hate to start something up and have you always wondering 'what if'. It's better this way." He downed the last of his beer, rolling his shoulders. "I've been on my own a long time. I've got Christopher to think about. I'll be okay."

Buck gazed at him for a few long moments. "You're the best guy I ever met," he said quietly. "You should be so pissed at me."

Eddie shrugged. "I'm not that guy."

"But you like me."

"Yeah, but… I don't know what you want me to say. You love this woman; you waited for her… so you should try. I don't want to be second choice," he said, and guilt flashed across Buck's face. "I don't want you to think that I'm just… waiting around for you. You go do your thing, I'll do mine and if, for some reason, the stars align one day… we'll figure it out. But it's not now. You're not going to choose me over her anyway, so…" he trailed off, wondering if he'd said too much.

"You don't know that," Buck said meaningfully.

They gave each other a long look. Eddie didn't want to downplay what they'd done, because it had meant something to him, and he didn't go around picking up people for sex. Never had, never would. He'd met Buck and liked him right away, and he would hate for Buck to think he was using him for sex; that he thought Buck was disposable.

He said quietly, "You had a whole relationship with her that lasted months. I'm not mad at you for wanting to be with her."

Buck's eyes were trained on him. "What do you want?"

He paused, picking at the label on his bottle. "I want to stay friends with you, first and foremost," he said firmly, "because I don't have a lot of friends and you and I clicked right away. So that's my priority."

Buck looked relieved. "That's what I want too."

"I mean… at this point Christopher loves you, so… you're kind of part of the family," he said – it was an attempt at a joke to lighten the mood, but a flash of emotion crossed Buck's face, and he turned his head away. He waited for Buck to speak, wondering if he'd said something wrong.

"I've been lost," Buck finally admitted, but his head was still turned to the side. "I drifted around… I didn't know what I wanted to do or who I am. I couldn't make any lasting relationships with people… everyone moves on. I thought I'd found my place at the 118… and I have, in a way – I know Bobby, Hen and Chim care about me, but… I still don't have a lot of friends. Can't seem to make any lasting connections with people."

Eddie studied him – his head steadfastly turned away, refusing to make eye contact. He finally said, "You're the only person I've ever met who helped without wanting something in return – and without me admitting that I needed help. You just went out and found Carla for me, like… a miracle. I don't know why people leave you, but I know a good thing when I see it. I moved out here to make a life for Christopher and I – to give us both a shot at a decent future. That future includes you. I know that for sure."

Buck looked relieved. "Good… you guys are really important to me."

"Hey, when I said I had your back," Eddie said seriously, "that wasn't a joke or like, a flippant thing to say. I meant it. I'm not going anywhere."

Buck relaxed enough to smile. "Me too," he said, and then cleared his throat. "Hey, listen. I'm moving into the loft on the weekend. Abby wants to help me pick stuff out, but I was hoping that you and Christopher might want to come with me to Best Buy on Sunday to grab some games and stuff? Help me pick out a new TV?"

"Yeah, definitely," Eddie agreed. "We're not doing anything. We could go to Walmart as well – Christopher _loves_ Walmart, and honestly, I probably need to get him some new clothes."

"Okay, Walmart and Best Buy it is," Buck said with a grin.

"And for the love of god, Buck – I'm sure Abby's a nice woman, but don't let her pick out any artwork for you, okay?"

Buck snorted. "I saw you eyeing that sign."

"I fucking hate those signs," Eddie said flatly. "No bullshit signs. I'll get you something cool."

"Something cool, huh? Is that because you're not just a regular dad, you're a cool dad?"

Eddie flicked a coaster at him. "I thought you didn't know movie references."

"That was a movie reference?"

~

He and Christopher showed up at Buck's new loft apartment bright and early on Sunday morning. Having spent time in Abby's apartment, Eddie was fearful about what he might find, but the furniture was nice. Really nice, and it made him wonder how Buck could afford it. There was a big leather couch and a wooden television unit in the living area – sans TV.

Upstairs there was a new queen-sized bed with matching side tables. Buck leaned against the wall with his eyes trained on Eddie. "Diaz seal of approval?"

"It's _awesome_ ," Christopher said from Eddie's arms, and they both laughed. "I can't believe you can see your kitchen from your _bed._ That's cool!"

"Yeah, it's pretty cool," Buck agreed, flashing him a smile.

"Let's go back downstairs so you can show Buck his present," Eddie suggested, and when Buck looked surprised, he added, "Just a very small housewarming gift from Christopher, to brighten up the place."

They went back downstairs, and Christopher retrieved his backpack. He'd drawn some pictures for Buck to display on his fridge, and Eddie provided some magnets, which Buck accepted gratefully. "Thank you, Christopher," he said, seemingly a little emotional. "These are awesome."

As he was arranging them, Eddie said, "Hey, we're going to see Santa on Thursday night. You want to come?"

"Definitely," Buck agreed happily. "I'd love to."

"Awesome!" Christopher exclaimed. "Hey Buck, are we going to buy games? Can we get Mario?"

"Yeah, man. Whatever you want," Buck agreed.

Buck drove them to Best Buy, and he ended up buying both a Nintendo Switch and a Playstation 4. They spent a long time looking at video games, before finally settling on three games for each console to start off with. Eddie then forced Buck into the movie aisle and added six DVDs to his cart – _Escape from New York, Twister, Speed, Point Break, Con Air_ and _Jaws._

"We're watching these," he said to Buck. "Don't watch them without me."

"I won't," Buck promised.

They picked out a new TV and a soundbar to go with it, and Eddie tried not to wince at the total at the cash register, but Buck simply handed over a credit card without a second thought. He was either secretly loaded or in a terrible amount of debt. Eddie guessed it was the first option.

From there it was over to Walmart, where they bought some more cheap games and DVDs, and then Buck was good enough to distract Christopher in the toy aisle while Eddie picked out some new clothes for him. Knowing his kid as well as he did, he wasn't at all surprised to find that he'd easily twisted Buck's arm into buying him some new Lego.

They returned to the loft and spent some time connecting everything, and then Christopher was shouting at them to play Mario Kart, so that was the first game they tried. There was a lot of shouting and laughter as they figured the game out – Eddie was worse at it than he thought he would be – and it was just as he'd driven Buck right over the side of a cliff that the door to the apartment opened and a woman's voice called, "Hello? Buck?"

Buck whipped around to look at the door, instantly on edge. "Abby?"

Ah, fuck. Eddie pressed pause on the game, slumping back against the couch while Buck hurried over to greet her. Christopher looked up at him in confusion, so he tried his best to plaster a smile on his face and not seem so bitter about the situation.

"Um, Abby, this… this is Eddie and Christopher that I've told you about?" Buck's voice was higher than usual. "We bought some electronics today."

"I can see that," she said with a smile, waving to them nervously. "It's nice to meet you finally. I'm Abby Clark."

She was _older._ How had he not known that? This woman was in her forties, with incredible strawberry-blonde hair – she was pretty, sure, with big glasses, and she had her shoulders up as though she was nervous and uncomfortable. For some reason he'd been picturing someone… younger. More glamorous, maybe – not that Abby wasn't beautiful, but in his mind, he'd been picturing Scarlett Johansson.

He was a little taken aback. He'd been expecting someone young – the ghosting and all – not this lovely woman, but he shook off his surprise and stood to greet her. "I'm Eddie Diaz," he said with what he hoped was a pleasant smile, reaching out to shake her hand. "This is my son, Christopher."

"Buck's told me all about you," she replied, her eyes flicking to Buck. "That you guys are his best friends. It's so nice to finally meet you. I'm sorry to interrupt, though."

_Then why are you here?_ He thought, but kept a jolly smile plastered right on his face. "Nothing to be sorry for. We were just playing video games."

"Are you guys all having dinner together?" she asked Buck, who nodded.

"We were going to have dinner and a games night, is that okay?"

_Asking permission?_ He wanted to roll his eyes at that but was able to restrain himself.

She smiled warmly at Buck. "It's fine. I've just got that quilt for your bed in my car and I wondered if you'd come down and grab it."

"Sure. I'll be right back," he said to Eddie, holding his hand up as if to say, 'don't leave.'

"It's so nice to meet you," Abby said again, but her smile didn't quite reach her eyes. "I'll see you soon, I'm sure."

"Sure," he replied, and then glanced at Christopher, who made a face at him.

Eddie handed a controller to Christopher, taking a seat beside him. "You and me, pal," he said, gesturing to the TV. "You think you can handle it?"

"No, but I'm gonna _try._ "

"Yeah, you are." Eddie ruffled his hair affectionately, and then started the game.

Buck was gone for maybe ten minutes, and when he returned, he had a quilt in a plastic cover under one arm and a picture under the other. When Eddie saw the back of the frame, he pressed pause on the game and stood, raising his eyebrows. "What's that?"

Buck sighed. "I didn't know she was going to get me something."

"Show me."

He sighed, turning the frame around – it wasn't _bad_ , but it wasn't great. It was a sailboat with what looked like the Amalfi Coast of Italy in the background, and Eddie rested his hands on his hips, staring at it in confusion. "It's hotel art," he said flatly.

"I'm going to put it in the bathroom, because… of the boat."

Eddie pointed to the wall behind the couch and said, "I've got something for that. Don't you hang anything on that wall."

"Yes sir," Buck teased him, setting the picture down near the stairs. "I'll order dinner."

~

A week later, a large painting arrived from El Paso, and Eddie delivered it to Buck's apartment one Saturday morning, helping him to hang it on the wall behind the couch. Buck took a step back, gazing at it with an unreadable expression on his face.

Eddie's cousin was an artist, who usually sold his artwork through his website. He'd been featured in galleries around the country and was doing quite well for himself. Eddie had simply rung and asked him for something _big_ , sent him through some cash, and John had FedExed him a large rectangular piece of art in return. It was an abstract desert scene, with vivid green cacti offsetting the orange of the desert sand and the blue of the sky.

"Do you like it?" Eddie asked Buck, who was still staring at it.

"Yeah," he said quietly. "I do. How'd… you know?"

"Know what?"

"That… I would?"

He shrugged. "My cousin painted it and he's a great artist; I figured whatever he sent; you'd like. And I was right?"

Buck flashed him a smile. "Yeah, you nailed it."

"Good." Eddie clapped a hand on his shoulder, wandering over to the kitchen. "Want to come with me to pick up Christopher and maybe go to an arcade or something?" he asked, absently fiddling with his phone. "He's been at a birthday party all morning, so he'll be amped up and ready to go."

Buck didn't respond, and when Eddie glanced at him questioningly, he found him staring at the painting again.

"Buck?"

Buck jumped. "Yeah, I heard you," he said, rubbing the back of his neck. "Sure, I'd love that."

So they went to pick up Christopher, and found a decent arcade nearby. It was as Eddie was buying them some food that he wondered again if he was overstepping, or doing the wrong thing - his intentions weren't entirely _pure,_ after all. He glanced over and found Buck doubled over with laughter at something Christopher had said, slapping his knee in amusement, and shrugged off his concerns.

If his kid could make Buck laugh like _that_ , then he was definitely on the right track.

~


	3. Chapter 3

That was how things went, for a couple of months. Buck was dating Abby, and spending time with Eddie and Christopher a few nights a week. He was pretty quiet about the relationship itself, despite the almost constant questions from the rest of the team – "When is Abby going to join us for a family dinner?" or "Is Abby planning on stopping by the station?" and Eddie's absolute favourite, "Tell her to swing by whenever she'd like, we'd love to see her."

Buck was tight-lipped about it, but he didn't seem to be _unhappy_. He just didn't really seem like himself, though Eddie worried that he hadn't known him long enough to be able to judge. He could understand wanting to keep things under wraps.

The rest of the team, however, could not wrap their heads around that concept at all, so whenever Buck wasn't around, he was almost always the topic of conversation. Eddie usually excused himself, though he always retired somewhere that he would be able to hear them. That was how he found himself pretending to be asleep on the lounge, listening to Hen, Chimney, Bobby and Athena gossip openly and loudly about Buck and Abby at the kitchen table. Buck was off work for the night – but what they didn't know was that Eddie had booked him in for baby-sitting duties, something that Buck had happily agreed to. He and Christopher, at that very moment, were sitting on the couch together sharing a big bowl of popcorn – Eddie knew that, because Buck's Snapchats had been arriving steadily all night with the words 'proof of life' written on every picture.

Buck was terrified that something might go wrong, and Eddie found it unbelievably endearing.

So he was lying on the couch, still and silent, listening to the gossip queens in the kitchen, telling himself that he didn't really care when deep down inside, he definitely did.

"He's not happy," Hen was saying. "We can all see it."

"I think he's fine," Bobby replied. "She came back – none of us thought she would."

"But he doesn't talk about her or ask her to come for dinner," Chimney pointed out. "Maddie's here more than what Abby is. And you know what else? He hasn't even introduced Maddie to her yet."

"That's because Maddie already doesn't like her and doesn't think she's good enough for Buck," Athena said bluntly. "And listen – I like Abby. She's a nice woman, but they aren't a match. I'm telling you. She's not with him for the right reasons."

"And what reasons are those?" Bobby asked mildly.

"She's using him, because he's young and handsome and a sweetheart."

"Amen to that," Hen agreed. "I can see it a mile away."

"It's weird that he hasn't introduced her to Maddie," Chimney murmured. "He told me that he introduced her to Eddie."

"Shh, Eddie's asleep on the couch," Hen said in a low voice. "I feel bad for him. They were getting so close and then Abby's back, and Buck's distracted again."

"They're still close," Bobby replied. "They took Christopher to meet Santa the other evening. Buck told me that one of the helpers thought they were a couple; he was pretty pleased about it."

"Buck's straight," Chimney said quizzically. "Isn't he?"

"Well, he's never come out to any of us, has he?" Hen asked.

"It's just because he and Eddie have bonded so quickly, that's all," Bobby said, obviously trying to steer the conversation away from Buck's sexuality. "That was the best call I've ever made, hiring Eddie. He and Buck hit it off instantly."

"Almost instantly," Hen said dryly. "Buck hated him for a full day."

"And now they're best friends… hey, you don't think Buck has a thing for Eddie, do you?" Chimney asked. "That certainly would explain why he's been weird about Abby coming back."

"So hit us with it, Chim, what evidence do you have?" Athena asked bluntly.

"I'll go," Hen cut in. "Right after we all got drugged, there was something going on between those two. They kept smiling at each other. Chim saw it too."

"Yeah, I did, but you were the one who read into it. Eddie's straight," Chimney said confidently. "One hundred percent."

"How do you know?" Hen asked with a laugh. "You have no idea. The guy spends all his time with Buck."

"He was married!"

"So? Lots of gay people are in heterosexual relationships before they realise they're gay. Doesn't mean anything."

"Well, if something was going on, I didn't notice anything," Bobby said, though he sounded a little uncertain. "And besides, Buck's on a date with Abby right now."

Nope, he was watching _The Nightmare Before Christmas_ with Christopher. Eddie wondered if he should be a little put out that they were so freely gossiping about him, but he wasn't too bothered by it.

"She's too old for him," Athena said flatly, and there was a round of _ooh's_ from the table. "What? I'll say it. You're all thinking it."

"One night when we were drinking," Chimney said, lowering his voice confidentially, "he told me that all he's ever wanted was to fall in love, get married and have kids. That's all the guy wants. He and Abby aren't going to last."

"He's not in love with her anymore," Hen added. "I can guarantee it."

"Then why are they still together?" Bobby asked, frustrated.

"Because he waited so long for her to come back," Athena said quietly, "that it's admitting defeat if he ends it now. He's saving face. Hoping to get the magic back."

Eddie thought about that. He hadn't been around for the first part of Buck and Abby's relationship, so he'd never met this 'Buck 1.0' they referred to jokingly. If he had to guess, he'd say that Buck, being the kind of person he was – a kid who'd been emotionally neglected by his parents, hadn't ever had a long-term relationship, considered himself abandoned by his sister – had latched onto Abby as someone who wanted to be with him for _him_ , and ignored all the red flags that said otherwise.

Well, Eddie did want him, all of him, exactly the way he was, but he wasn't the kind of person who would willingly and intentionally destroy a relationship to get what he wanted. He was confident it would end – hopefully soon – and then, when Buck was ready, he'd be ready as well.

He decided to scare the shit out of them and stretched his arms up and over the couch. The conversation almost immediately switched to something else as he sat up, checking his phone, giving an exaggerated yawn.

"How much did you hear?" Athena asked dryly.

"Most of it," Eddie replied, rising to his feet. "Just so we're clear, Buck and I are just friends."

"Sorry," Chimney murmured, totally embarrassed. "You were so quiet; I forgot you were there."

"It's okay." Eddie wandered over to them and held up a picture. "Buck's baby-sitting Christopher tonight. He's terrified that he's going to accidentally kill him, which is why he was quiet today. He's been sending me proof of life pictures all night."

They laughed at that, and as he sat down with them, Bobby passed over a plate of cookies. "You want a coffee, Eddie?"

"Nah, I'm okay." Eddie did take a chocolate chip cookie, breaking it in half to nibble on.

"We're just worried about him," Hen said awkwardly. "In case you think this is mean-spirited."

He shook his head. "No, I get it. I didn't realise she was so much older."

"He didn't tell you?" Chimney asked, raising his eyebrows.

"No, and it's a weird thing to ask how old someone's girlfriend is," he said dryly, as they all laughed. "But yeah, we met and it was kinda awkward. Buck's been weird about it; I don't know… but then I don't know him very well, and I wasn't here when they first dated." He guessed he wanted some reassurance that things were definitely off, but what he wasn't expecting was for Athena to raise her eyebrows knowingly at him from the other end of the table, as if she could read his mind.

Bobby surprised him by saying, "Buck likes to look after people, and Abby needed looking after. That's why they were together. He mistook it for love."

_Huh._ Was that true? Was that what Buck had done for him – looked after him? And had _he_ mistaken that for something more?

The conversation shifted away, but his mind was swimming. Had he misconstrued things? Had he pushed Buck into something he wasn't ready for?

But no… Buck was into it, of that Eddie was sure. There'd been no hesitation the first day they'd kissed. Hell, they'd practically fucked in Abby's bed and Buck hadn't had a sexual identity crisis or anything.

Still, it concerned him that there was a similarity in how Buck began things with both him and Abby. He'd thought they had something special, but maybe he was wrong.

~

"So let me get this straight," Shannon said, taking a plate out of his hands to dry. Christopher was with Abuela, and they'd had dinner together at Eddie's house, to talk things through – though things had diverged when the topic of Buck was brought up. "You guys met, you became friends, and then he organised Carla for you – who is amazing, by the way – and by way of a thank you, you asked if you could kiss him and he said yes."

"Right." Eddie added some more hot water to the sink and set about scrubbing a pan.

"And then you two were making out, here and there, and you kinda had sex but not really, but then his girlfriend came back, and she's in her forties – which, I don't know why you made a point of telling me that – and you let him go because…"

"Because he said he loved her and we'd only just started, so I thought he should go sort that out."

"And now you're worried because he did a nice thing for her and he also did a nice thing for _you_?" she asked, raising her eyebrows skeptically.

Well, when she put it like that… "I just thought maybe I was special," he mumbled, embarrassed.

"Maybe he's just a sweetheart who likes doing nice things for the people he cares about, and maybe you're overthinking things because you like him so much." Shannon gave him a pointed look.

Eddie lifted his shoulders, embarrassed. "I mean… I thought we had a connection."

"So why did you let him go?" she asked. "It's not often that you meet someone you like."

"I thought he deserved to go figure things out with her, and I didn't want to make him choose between us… it'd always be there, hanging in the background, you know? The _what if_ of it," he complained. "So that's why I… gave up."

Shannon frowned at him, and then heaved a sigh. "You always do this."

"Do what?"

"You push people away instead of saying what you really want. You like this guy, so much. The fact that we have talked about nothing other than Buck the whole night speaks volumes," she said emphatically. "Why did you give up?"

"I didn't," he protested. "I just… didn't want to beg him to be with me. At the very least he needs closure, right?"

"Closure? She was ghosting him, and now she's randomly back. You don't think that's weird?" Shannon nudged him out of the way, taking the pot out of his hands. "Let me do that. You're destroying it."

Eddie took a step back, drying his hands with the towel. "Why do you think it's weird?"

Shannon glanced over her shoulder at him. "This woman went on an _Eat, Pray, Love_ style adventure to Europe, stopped talking to her boyfriend but presumably kept posting on social media, right?"

"I guess. He mentioned that she was still on Instagram."

"Yeah, she met someone," she said bluntly.

"How do you know that?"

"I don't, but… she meets a guy, they're in Italy, romance is in the air, there's a gondola, they're in Venice – fuck, I really want to go to Venice one day – and then something happens to derail the fantasy. Girl gets her heart broken - but wait – there's a boy waiting at home for her. A nice, sweet boy with a birthmark over his eye – yeah, I stalked him on Insta. Girl comes back and she's got a safety net. She doesn't have to be alone."

Eddie frowned. "Okay, you're… that's way too specific. You didn't get up to anything like that, did you?"

Shannon let out a mirthless chuckle. "No, Eddie. In between bouts of depression and feeling like the world's most awful person for abandoning my son, my mother was dying of cancer and I was working two different jobs to stay afloat. No _Eat, Pray, Love_ for me, just a fucking funeral and a fight with the insurance company to pay the medical bills."

He had no idea what to say to that, so all he managed was a quiet, "Sorry."

"It's not your fault. I mean, I did blame you for a bit, but… I don't anymore. I don't think you and I were a good match, couple-wise," she said, rinsing out the pot and handing it over to him to dry. "I love you, and you're a wonderful dad and you're a great person, but we don't want the same things. I know that now."

Eddie nodded. "Yeah, me too."

"And you seem to really like this guy, so much, which is unusual for you…" Shannon trailed off. "I think we should get a divorce."

He let out a trapped breath – he'd been hoping she would suggest it, fearing that if he did, she might misconstrue things as not being amicable or make demands of him for Christopher. "I think that's a good idea," he said, and smiled warmly at her. "Get you away from my parents once and for all."

"Do they know I'm… back in his life?" she asked nervously.

"I told them that I'd reached out to you, and you were going to start spending time with him again. They weren't… happy, but I know you better than they do. I wouldn't let you back in if I didn't think you had good intentions."

"You always were a good judge of character. Suspicious and judgmental, sure, but a good judge of character." Shannon winked at him.

"I know what I'm about." Eddie added the last of the cups to the sink. "You'd like him, I think. Do you want to meet him?"

"You… want me to?"

"Yeah. Why not? For your peace of mind as well, I mean… he's a huge part of our lives, so you should meet him and give him the all clear. You're a good judge of character as well."

Shannon nodded slowly. "Okay," she said, and gave a genuine smile. "Yeah, I'd really like that."

~

Buck was uncharacteristically quiet, one elbow on the bench, picking at the slice of pizza on a napkin in front of him.

Seated at the other end of the kitchen island, holding onto his beer bottle, Eddie regarded him with some concern. He'd been invited over for beer and pizza almost as soon as Buck discovered that Christopher was spending the night with his aunt and cousins, and once the work conversation had dwindled, Buck had lapsed into silence.

Eddie decided to prod him a bit. "How was Christmas dinner with Bobby and Athena?" he asked, reaching over for another slice of pizza.

"It was good," he replied. "Abby gave me this sweater for Christmas." He was wearing a soft maroon sweater, with nothing underneath. The material stretched over his broad chest and Eddie could see the outline of his nipples through the fabric. "Did you guys have a good day? Did Christopher like his surprise? The pictures you sent me were great."

"He loved it," Eddie replied. "He's so happy to have her back."

"Are you happy?"

"Yeah, I am. We've talked a lot of stuff out. We don't want to get back together, so we're going to get divorced… move on, you know? Both of us."

Buck's eyes were trained on him. "Date someone new."

Eddie nodded. "Maybe. I don't know. Haven't gotten that far yet. Carla's going to help me figure out how to get divorced. My parents are really happy about it – they think it means they'll never see her again? But she's still Christopher's mother. That doesn't change just because she and I aren't married anymore."

"And it's not… like, contentious."

"No. She'll still be coming to birthday parties and Christmas, Thanksgiving, stuff like that. Honestly, the way my parents reacted to the news… it made me uncomfortable."

"How so?" Buck asked with concern.

"Like they were celebrating, I don't know." Eddie made a face. "I know they don't like her, but… she's not a bad person. She's not a bad mother, at all."

"But she left," Buck pointed out. "Didn't she?"

"Look, I left too. She's forgiven me, and I've forgiven her. I've told my parents that, but they immediately started running her down again. We both made mistakes." Eddie flashed back to the conversation with his parents – how they'd cheered, and then spoke at length about how awful Shannon was, and _then_ turned it back around on him and his parenting. They'd taken great exception to the fact that Shannon was Christopher's Christmas surprise, and they also wanted to know who this Buck person was that he was spending so much time with.

And finally, his mother had told him that maybe he was finding Los Angeles too overwhelming and that he should come home, and he'd found a reason to hang up after that.

Buck was gazing at him worriedly, and he realised he'd lapsed into silence. "Sorry. I just don't know what I can do to make them happy," he said quietly. "Like… they don't know I'm bi. What happens if I want to date a guy and it gets serious?"

"Coming out, do you mean?"

"Yeah. How did you do it?"

Buck shook his head. "I never did, Eds. I was with a guy for a couple of months when I was younger, and that was it. Maddie and I weren't in touch and I wasn't in contact with my parents, so there was no one to come out too. And you're the only guy I've been with since."

"Oh," was all he could think of to say.

Buck gave him a strange look. "Are you surprised?"

"No. Well… yes."

"Why?"

He shrugged. "I just assumed, and I was wrong. You were way more confident than I was."

Buck relaxed and smiled at him. "I had no complaints."

They shared a long look, and then Eddie cleared his throat, needing to change the subject. "So you've never come out to anyone except me."

"Nope." Buck swallowed a mouthful of beer.

"Did you tell Abby about us?"

He paused, and then said delicately, "I told her that there was someone I was interested in."

_Was interested in._ Past tense. Eddie nodded; his eyes trained on the table. "Right."

Buck was staring at him again. "And you're single now, and getting divorced," he said, "so that means dating."

"No," he said quickly. "No."

"Why not?"

_You're with someone else._ "I can't even wrap my head around that. What if I meet a guy that I really like and I have to tell my parents about it?"

"A guy," Buck repeated. "You're thinking of dating guys." There was an edge to his voice; nervousness? Eddie wasn't sure.

He shifted uncomfortably. "I don't know what I want." _I want you._

"Maybe you should take it slow," Buck suggested. "Don't dive right in."

"Why not?" he couldn't help but ask.

"Because you've been out of the game a long time and you're rusty… things have changed. There are apps for everything, mostly for hook-ups… if you just want to get laid, it would be easy enough." Buck sounded a little strained, but he was laser-focused on Eddie, his eyes burning with intensity. And jealousy?

He glanced over at his phone and muttered, "I can't do that."

"Why not?"

"I don't hook up with people. I've never had a one-night stand… I've only slept with people I wanted a relationship with." As soon as the words were out of his mouth, he regretted them.

A look of realisation crossed Buck's face, and he sat back, stunned. " _Eddie_."

_Fuck._ He closed his mouth, shaking his head, looking anywhere but Buck's eyes.

"You wanted a relationship with me?"

_I still do._ He said nothing.

"You said it was just a friends-with-benefits thing." Buck's voice caught in his throat. "You pushed me away."

_Fuck._ "I had to. I was protecting myself."

"From me?"

"No, from… falling for a guy who was unattainable. Yeah, I wanted to date you… I wanted to be in a relationship with you," he admitted, and Buck's face fell. "But I'm not going to be a rebound or your second choice. You told me all about her and you told me that you were in love with her. So I had to let you go."

"For the record, you'd never be my second choice," Buck said unhappily.

"But I was," he pointed out, and Buck flinched. "You went back to her and I get it. You love her. I'm fine."

Buck gave him a long look. "You're too good for me anyway," he muttered. "You should hate me… I ditched you for someone else and you… still let me be in your life. Why, Eddie?"

"Christopher. And me," he said. "I told you that I don't make friends easily. There's no reason we can't still be friends. Buck, why… what's going on? Why are you bringing all of this up now?"

Buck stood and went to the fridge, grabbing another couple of beers. "She and I had a long talk at Christmas about our relationship and the future," he said, dropping onto his seat again, and sliding a bottle down to Eddie. "She laid it all out – she's in love with me, she wants to marry me… she wants an engagement by the end of this year and a wedding next year. She wants us to think about moving away from LA. She wants me to commit to her one hundred percent."

Dread rose in his stomach, but he tried to stay unemotional. "And you're not committed to her one hundred percent?"

"No, because this guy I met six months ago moved into my head with his kid, and I can't stop thinking about the what if's of _that._ Abby's forty-six years old," he said, "and the age difference doesn't bother me, but… I'm starting to re-think everything. When we met, she was at a dark point in her life. She was taking care of her mother and working at dispatch – she was unhappy, and she didn't have a lot going on. She pursued me, and I was flattered… and looking for something serious rather than just another hook-up, so… I fell for her easily. But Eddie, here's the thing – she still doesn't really know anything about me, and she doesn't ask. Back then our relationship was about her, and now she's dictating things again." Buck uncapped his beer with his hand and took a big swig.

"So what do you want?" Eddie asked hesitantly.

"I want a relationship with someone where it feels like we're on an equal footing," Buck said, "and not me feeling like I’m being dragged along."

"You need to tell her that, not me," he said reasonably.

"I tried to, and it turned into a fight, and she kicked me out. Last night," he said flatly. "And all I could think about was seeing you."

"I'm not… getting in the middle…"

"No, but you listen to me when nobody else does," Buck said emphatically, and then grimaced. "Eddie… I want kids of my own, you know? I want… a partnership with someone who has my back."

"She's forty-six. She's not going to give you kids."

"I know." Buck swigged his beer again and wiped his mouth. "But I feel like I owe it to her to try to make this work."

It was Eddie's turn to screw his face up. "Why? From what you've told me, you guys are on completely different paths."

"She was my first love," he said simply. "I owe it to her to try. I gave up on a potentially good thing with you to try, so… I'm going to try."

That didn't seem like a good reason to base a relationship on, but he kept that thought to himself. "When are you going to introduce her to Maddie?"

Buck sighed. "I know they won't like each other."

"Abby didn't go back to work at the call centre?"

"She's at the one across town, so they haven't run into each other. Maddie keeps asking me when she'll get to meet her, and I don't know what to say."

"Well, we're all going out for drinks next week," he suggested. "Why don't you invite her along? She knows Bobby and Athena and everyone."

"That's not going to be awkward for you?"

"Look – in case you think I'm pining after you or something, I'm not," he said emphatically, hoping that Buck wouldn't realise he was lying. "Please don't hide your girlfriend away because you're worried about me. I'm an adult – you're my best friend, and that's not going to change."

Buck hesitated, and then said, "Okay."

"And what are you doing on Sunday afternoon? Want to come to my Abuela's for dinner and a board game? It'll probably be Clue - I hope you're cool with that. Christopher is terrifyingly good at it."

Buck relaxed into an easy smile. "Sure," he agreed. "I'd love that."

"My Abuela loves you, so she'll be thrilled."

His smile grew even wider. "She does?"

"Yeah, she likes the fact that you always ask for seconds and then clean your plate," he replied, and Buck laughed. "She appreciates a healthy eater."

"Does she like Shannon?"

"Yeah, they get along fine. She and Pepa aren't close but that’s Pepa."

"She likes me though," Buck boasted.

Eddie smiled warmly at him. "You're a likeable kind of guy."

The smile that spread across Buck's face was genuine. His cheeks went a little red, and he fumbled for his beer, ducking his head. "You too."

"Nah, I'm a grump."

"Not to me," Buck said, and cleared his throat. "Anyway, am I going to kick your ass at this game or are we spending all night talking through this deep shit?"

"I'd very much like to see you _try_ to beat me," Eddie replied dryly. "Give it your best shot."

Buck leaned forward a bit, raising his eyebrows. "Here's the deal – if I win, we play pool tomorrow at work."

Eddie narrowed his eyes. "No."

"Oh, come on."

"No. You know I'm shit at it."

"Yeah," Buck said with a grin. "That's why I want to play."

"Nope."

"Come on, Eddie – it's like your Achilles heel, the only thing you're not good at." Buck had a mischievous twinkle in his eyes.

"I'm not good at a lot of things," he said diplomatically. "Pool is one of them."

"Chris says cooking is another."

Well, that was a low blow, and he clutched his heart as Buck laughed. "My own son. You bastard."

"Mac and cheese from a box, _Eddie…_ "

"Oh, like you can do better," he retorted.

Buck smirked. "I can. You want me to come over and cook dinner for you? Mac and cheese, Buck-style?"

"From a can?"

"Ha ha. No, from scratch – well, except the pasta, but I'll make it the way my mother used to when I was a kid."

Eddie shrugged. "Sure, any time," he said easily. "Whenever you want."

"Friday," Buck suggested. "Before we watch a movie."

"We are free and clear." Eddie tilted his head to the television. "Are we doing this, or are you going to keep finding excuses not to?"

Buck threw a bottle cap at him, and he ducked, laughing.

~

"Hey, Abby!" Chimney called from the balcony. "She's here! She's really here!"

"Cut it out, Chim," came Buck's warning – not that Eddie could see him. He and Abby were in between the trucks, and Eddie was alone in the gym, working up a sweat.

"I came for lunch, is that okay?" Abby's voice wafted through the station. "I made you guys a cake."

"Cake!" Chimney shouted. "Come on up!"

Eddie sighed, agitated, and went back to beating the shit out of the punching bag. There was still half an hour before he needed to be upstairs for lunch, so he threw himself back into his workout, cranking music on his headphones. He watched Abby follow Buck up the stairs to the balcony, where she was greeted warmly by the rest of the team. He could see Buck with a smile on his face, his arm around her waist, and turned his back to the balcony pointedly.

He was stripping off his gloves when Athena remarked, "Did the punching bag really deserve all that?"

Eddie glanced over his shoulder at her. "Yep. It was mouthing off."

"Ah." She wandered into the gym, dressed in her uniform, casting a look up at the balcony. "I see Abby's here."

"Yep."

"You're heading up for lunch?"

"Yep, just going to have a quick shower first." He was dripping with sweat, and quickly wiped his face with a towel. "What's up?"

Athena eyed him, and murmured, "We don't know each other very well, but Buck talks about you constantly. At Christmas he couldn't stop gushing about all the adventures you three get up to. I thought it was sweet."

Eddie flashed a grin. "Yeah, well… Christopher loves him."

"Everyone does." Athena looked up at the balcony again. "I don't like her."

"I don't know her," he replied, wiping his face again. "We've only met once, briefly."

"He's keeping her separate." Athena eyed him, and then said, "You know, I came back to Abby's apartment to check on you guys after you were dosed."

He froze like a deer in headlights and couldn't speak.

"I was worried because you were both pretty out of it, and she has a nice apartment, so I thought I should probably check in to make sure it wasn't being trashed, but… boy I hope Buckaroo washed those sheets."

He cringed. "Fuck."

Athena shrugged at him with an apologetic smile. "It's okay. I did think one of you was being murdered when I first walked in, but… that's passion."

"Oh god."

She chuckled. "It's okay – you were both out of your minds. I didn't say anything to anyone," she said firmly, and he relaxed. "But I thought maybe you two might've… made things official, and then _she_ came back."

Eddie swallowed hard. "I was hoping we would."

"I've always thought it was important to fight for love," she said. "If you find something you want, you need to grab on tight, because you never know when it might be taken away from you."

"Buck says you don't find it, you make it."

"He's a smart boy. You are too," she said. "This thing won't last, but don't let him slip through your fingers."

That was what he was doing, wasn't he? Maintaining a steady presence in Buck's life and not pulling away from him. He still had _hope_. Hope spurred him on; made him bolder than he usually was.

"Believe me," he said to her in a low voice, "I know a good thing when I see it."

Athena smiled at him. "I believe that," she said, glancing up at the balcony again. "I'll see you up there."

He went in to have a shower, and as he was getting dressed, his phone began to ring. It was the nurse from Christopher's school – he was ill with a stomach-ache, and they thought he should come and collect him.

Carla was unavailable, so he would have to leave work, and he jogged up to the balcony where everyone was sitting down for lunch. "Eddie," Buck called to him, a big grin on his face. "Saved you a seat."

"Thanks man," he said, but his eyes were on Bobby. "Hey Cap, I just got a call from the school – Christopher's in the nurse's office. I'm going to have to go and pick him up."

"Not a problem," Bobby said easily. "Take the rest of the day – we'll work the schedule out; don't worry."

"Thanks. Sorry I can't stay," he apologised to the group, noticing the way Buck's face had fallen. "It looks great. I'll see you guys tomorrow."

"Let us know how he is," Hen called, and Eddie held up a hand in a wave as he headed down the stairs.

~

Christopher had a slight fever and was lethargic. Eddie took him home, gave him some children's Tylenol and put a cool compress on his head, and tucked him into bed. He curled up beside him, Christopher's head on his chest, and read to him for a while from a book.

When he was asleep, Eddie eased himself out of the bed and went out to the living room. It was after three, and he hadn't eaten since breakfast, so he made himself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and was sitting on the kitchen counter eating it when his phone lit up. Buck was calling, no doubt worried sick about Christopher.

"Hey man," Eddie said through a mouthful of food. "What's up?"

"How's the patient?"

"He's asleep at the moment – he has a bit of a fever, so I've given him some Tylenol. He says he feels like he wants to throw up, but he doesn't _want_ to throw up, which means he's definitely going to throw up at some point. How's work?"

"We just finished at a car accident in the valley. I finish at six – do you want me to come over and keep you company?"

"Sure, if you're not busy," he replied, and then was hit with a flash of realisation. "Oh shit, I should've called Shannon. I didn't even give it a thought."

"Well, hang up and do it. I'll bring something for dinner," Buck said. "See you tonight, Eds."

"Thanks," he replied, and hung up only to immediately call Shannon, who wasn't thrilled that she'd been forgotten.

~

Shannon was at the house when Buck arrived – Eddie had sent him a warning text – laden with enough food to feed an army. He strode into the house like he lived there, greeted her warmly, and went into the kitchen to spread the food out.

She raised an eyebrow at Eddie and trailed after Buck. "So you're the famous Buck I keep hearing all about," she said, leaning against the doorframe with her arms folded over her chest. "Christopher talks about you constantly."

"He does?" Buck asked happily. "He's been thrilled to have you back as well. I've heard all about you."

And just like that, he'd disarmed her, and she had a huge smile on her face. "Really?"

"Yeah, of course. He told me all about Christmas, and how you went to the aquarium last week."

Shannon glanced at Eddie again, her eyes twinkling. "We had a great time," she said warmly. "You should come with us next time – we didn't get to see all of the exhibits."

"I'd love to!"

Eddie rolled his eyes and left them chatting in the kitchen. He wasn't at all surprised that Buck had won her over – he watched him do it, every single day, to almost everyone he met.

Christopher was awake and miserable, so Eddie checked his temperature again. It had come down a bit, but he still wasn't happy, so he went out to the kitchen to retrieve another compress from the freezer.

"Should we take him to the hospital?" Shannon asked worriedly, chewing her thumbnail.

"No. I'll give him some more Tylenol in an hour. I honestly think he'll start feeling better if he throws up, but he doesn't want to."

"He can't hold it in forever."

"Nope, which is why I have a bucket right beside the bed." Eddie smiled at them reassuringly, and then returned to Christopher's room. "Okay, buddy."

"Dad, I feel sick."

"I know you do. Buck's here to see you."

Christopher screwed his face up. "Noooo."

Eddie leaned over him, gently draping the compress over his forehead. "What's wrong?"

"I don't want him to see me _sick._ " Christopher looked close to tears.

Eddie brushed a hand through his hair. "He's just worried about you, kiddo."

"No."

"Your mom's here—"

"No!" Christopher shouted, leaned over the bed, and vomited. Some went into the bucket, some on Eddie's legs, and the rest on the floor and down the side of the bed. Having been through similar situations before, Eddie ignored the mess and rubbed Christopher's back reassuringly, holding the bucket under his mouth. There was a slight moment of reprieve before the next wave, and then he flopped back on the bed, tears streaming down his cheeks.

"Okay," Eddie said gently, grabbing some tissues from the box on the nightstand and wiping his mouth. "Do you feel a bit better?"

Christopher nodded miserably.

"Hold the bucket. I'm just going to get some towels to clean you up."

"No," Christopher whined. "No, Dad, no."

"Buddy, there's vomit all over the floor—"

"Please!"

"Okay, okay," Eddie said gently. "All right. How about I just go to the door and ask your mom to get me some towels, but I won't leave the room?"

Christopher sniffled. "Okay."

"All right." Eddie unbuckled his belt as he went to the door, intent on ridding himself of his ruined pants, and called for Shannon.

It was Buck who appeared. "She's on the phone to her boss; she said he gets mad if she doesn't answer. What's up?"

Eddie stripped out of his jeans, ignoring Buck's look of shock, and handed them to him. "Go into my bedroom, get me some sweats from the second drawer, and then grab me some towels and some cleaning stuff. There's vomit all over the carpet. And then can you get me some new sheets and quilt cover from the hall cupboard for the bed in here?"

"Sure thing," Buck replied, and then added a worried, "Is Christopher okay?"

"Can Buck say hi?" Eddie asked Christopher, who began to bawl. "He's fine," he said, and then dropped his voice low. "He gets like this when he's not well – he doesn't want visitors. It's not personal."

"That's okay. I'll get everything you need and knock on the door."

"Dad!" Christopher cried, and began to vomit again.

Eddie flashed Buck a tense smile and closed the door.

~

When he finally emerged from the room it was close to eleven. Buck was curled up in the armchair, and Shannon was on the couch – they were talking quietly together, and both looked up when he wandered into the room, exhausted and hungry.

"How is he?" Shannon asked with concern.

"He's asleep again. He hasn't thrown up for a while, and his fever is coming down. I think he'll be okay in the morning," Eddie said through a yawn, rubbing his eyes. "You guys didn't have to stay."

"We wanted to," Buck replied, exchanging a look with Shannon. "If you want to take a shower, I'll get some food ready for you."

"Thanks," he murmured. "What have you guys been doing?"

"Getting to know each other," Shannon replied with an impish grin.

_Shit._

~

He had to wait a week before he finally had a moment alone with her, and was able to ask the question – "So when you said you got to know each other, what does that mean?"

Shannon laughed at him. They were on the beach together, Christopher playing happily in the sand a few yards away. "Oh, it's been weighing on you, huh?"

"Yeah, obviously it has," he complained.

She glanced over at Christopher and said, "We talked about a lot of things. He loves Christopher so much, so we talked about him a lot… we talked about you, and it's pretty clear to me that he loves you almost as much as Christopher. _Almost._ "

Eddie screwed his face up. "What does that mean?"

"It means he spent approximately four hours talking about how wonderful you are," she said dryly. "What else do you think it means? The guy worships you."

"No."

"Yeah, and I think you know he does. I think you know exactly what you're doing." Shannon turned her face to the sun, running her fingers through her hair.

"What am I doing?" he asked nervously.

She smirked. "You're playing the long game. From what you've told me, nobody thinks this relationship of his is going to last, so you're… being there for him when he needs a friend, and inviting him over, having dinner together, spending time with Christopher. You're showing him that you're the better option. Cunning."

Eddie grimaced. "Do you think he knows that?"

"I don't know." Shannon gazed over at Christopher again, a soft smile on her face. "You found someone who sees how special our son is. Don't let him slip through your fingers."

He was silent, gazing out at the shimmering blue ocean. "I think I might be in love with him."

Shannon gave him a surprised look, her eyebrows flying up. "Wow. I don't think you were ever in love with me."

"I loved you," he protested, hurt.

"Not the way a man should love the woman he's marrying. I always had my doubts, but I loved you too. I still do," she clarified, "and I'm not angry at you… I think we both made mistakes."

He nodded, frowning deeply. "I know I did," he admitted. "And I'm sorry. I'm sorry for leaving you alone… I'm sorry for not being there. At the time, I thought I was doing the right thing. I didn't realise until after you'd gone…"

"What your parents are like?" she asked dryly.

"Yeah. I never realised how overbearing they are."

Shannon nodded intently, casting a look over at their son. "Your mother thinks she's right; that she knows everything," she said. "And because he was my first child, and I was in over my head, and I didn't have you there… I let her in; I let her take control… and then when it reached the stage where I felt comfortable that I could look after him alone, she didn't want to step back. She was passive aggressive, and she used guilt as a weapon. I felt guilty, all the time, for _everything._ And the worst part about it was that I couldn't talk to _you._ "

Eddie met her eyes, taking her hand. "I'm sorry," he said meaningfully. "Shannon, I'm so sorry. I thought I was doing the right thing."

"I know you did," she replied gently. "And I hope… that one day you can both forgive me for leaving. I just felt like I had no choice."

Eddie glanced over at Christopher, who was still happily playing in the sand. "He already has forgiven you," he pointed out, "and… I never blamed you, you know. I mean, I did the same thing. I ran away too."

"What brought that on? Honestly, I was shocked to find out you were in LA."

He gestured to Christopher. "He's my number one priority," he said in a low voice. "Everything I do is for him. Working long hours to pay for his school and his extra-curricular activities, his therapy, the doctors… making sure I have a job with decent health insurance. He's number one in my life. Everything else is second to him."

She nodded silently, leaning back on her elbows.

"After you left, we were scraping by with help from Mom and Dad… I was working three jobs. I was hardly home, and any time I did get to spend with him was precious…" he trailed off, remembering how unhappy he'd been. "They sat me down one day and asked me to sign my parental rights away. To give Christopher to them."

Shannon looked at him sharply, her eyebrows flying up. "Holy shit."

He nodded, lifting his shoulders in a shrug. "And it was all suddenly clear to me, you know? I saw what would happen to us if I did that. Christopher growing up without his mother or his father, with my parents, who are… well-meaning, but overbearing in every single way. They'd stifle him. I couldn't let that happen, so… we left. I brought him here, where he has extended family, new friends, a great new school… both his parents," he clarified. "And they're still not over it. Can you imagine what they'll be like if I tell them I have a boyfriend? Holy shit, Shan."

"Yeah, you're totally screwed," she replied dryly. "There is no way they'll ever approve of him. Their precious son, with a _man?_ They'll be praying for your soul."

"I'm already going to hell." Eddie turned his head to the sky, closing his eyes. "I always put so much emphasis on trying to earn their approval, but every choice I've made in my life, in their eyes, has been the wrong one. Even becoming a firefighter is not enough for them, so why not really earn their disapproval by coming out and bringing home a guy?"

She let out a low whistle. "I hope Buck's worth it."

"He is." Eddie gave her a sad smile. "If he ever comes back to me."

"He will." Shannon stretched her arms over her head. "What did they say about us getting divorced?"

He paused. "I think you know that they weren't upset about it."

"Jerks. Your mother is a stone-cold bitch, and I can say that now. I don't have to pretend to be nice anymore. She was a bitch to me the whole time you were away, questioning every single little thing I did." Shannon gave him a bitter look. "And just so you know – any future partner is going to be subjected to the same shit I was, so you might want to warn Buck, if… it comes to that."

Feeling guilty, he murmured, "I should've had your back."

"Let's not get into it. We're in a good place _now_ , and that's the most important thing. I want the three of us to be happy – I want you to get your man and to stand up to your parents. Everything will be okay," she said confidently.

"I may never get my man."

"Oh please, that boy is totally gone for you and you know it. As I said, you know exactly what you're doing. Don't play innocent with me," she warned, and he grinned. "You know how to flirt; you know how to attract people. You know how good-looking you are so don't sit there and pretend that Buck doesn't see it as well. He does. He'd do anything for you."

"Except be with me."

"You didn't give him a choice," she said bluntly, and he shot her a wounded look. "No, you told him to go be with her. You didn't stand up for yourself; you didn't give him the option. You just told him what to do. No wonder you're both miserable."

"But he—"

"I get why you did it," she interrupted, "because you hadn't known each other that long, but Eddie, if he comes to you again and wants to be with you, don't turn him away. That boy is smitten."

"He's happy—"

"Nah, he's not. He hardly spoke about her." Shannon pointed to Christopher, who was waving a shovel at them. "God, look at our kid. We did good."

"We did great," he murmured. "You really think he's smitten with me?"

"God, yes."

~


	4. Chapter 4

Saturday night brought with it a get-together at their favourite bar. Eddie arrived early, snagging a seat in the back next to Bobby, intent on having as quiet evening as possible before making an early escape. He'd told Pepa that he would collect Christopher by 11pm, so he was allowing himself one beer and then only soda.

Everyone was already at the bar when Buck and Abby arrived – him leading her through the crowd, holding her hand. She was wearing those big glasses with her hair pulled back, and when everyone greeted her cheerfully, she relaxed, a smile settling on her face.

Buck looked around the table for him and flashed him a smile. Eddie held up his beer in response, watching as Buck and Abby settled into their seats. Maddie was greeting Abby eagerly, sitting down beside her, and Eddie watched as Buck and Chimney shared a pointed look.

Eddie wasn't feeling particularly social, so he sat back and listened as the conversation drifted from topic to topic – from work to football, to some of Athena's funny arrest stories and then to Chimney's treasure chest of war stories from before they all joined the 118. Maddie and Chimney were the first to hop up to sing together, and Bobby and Athena soon followed, leaving Eddie on his own, texting with Shannon.

"You haven't spoken a word all night," Karen said, sliding into the seat beside him. "I've been watching you." She sounded a little drunk.

He gave her a quick grin. "You're a married woman."

"Not like that," she protested, elbowing him in the ribs. "Rude."

"You are. Why are you watching me?"

"I'm not the only one," she murmured, and tilted her head in Buck's direction. "He can't stop staring at you either."

"Okay." Eddie pocketed his phone. "Is that what you came over here to tell me?"

"No." Karen paused, and then said, "Well, yes. Do you want to know what I think?"

He chuckled and gave a half-hearted shrug. "Sure."

Karen leaned right in and whispered into his ear, "I think wine makes me super drunk, but I told Hen it doesn't and now I'm trying not to act as drunk as I feel."

He laughed loudly. "And so…"

"I'm gonna hang with you," she said, tapping her finger to his chest, "because you're nice and you look sad."

"I'm not sad. I'm not drinking because I have to pick my son up, that's all."

"No, you're sad," she drawled, leaning in close to him again. "Sad eyes Eddie."

He grimaced, shaking his head.

Karen folded her arms across her chest, looking around the table. They were on their own at one end – Hen was seated with Buck, Abby, Athena and Bobby, and Maddie and Chimney were still warbling on stage together. Eddie met Buck's eyes briefly and looked away.

"What's your deal?" Karen asked, resting her head on her hand, assessing him with narrowed eyes. "You're a pretty man."

He snorted. "I am?"

"Very pretty, and I don't know much about men but if you were a lady, I'd think you were pretty," she said, and nodded sagely. "Married, single, divorced – what's the deal?"

"Divorcing," he replied, sipping his Coke. "In a month or so it'll be finalised."

"To a woman."

He chuckled. "Yeah, last time I checked."

"Interesting. And Buck thinks you're pretty too," she said, leaning in close to him, "because he can't stop staring at pretty Eddie."

"Okay." Embarrassed, he covered his eyes. "That's… good."

Karen suddenly threw her hand up in the air and shouted, "Hen! Get me another wine!"

Hen, on her way to the bar, stopped and called back, "I think you've had enough."

Karen shook Eddie pointedly and shouted, "No, he says I'm sober. Tell her I’m sober!"

Hen arched her eyebrows at Eddie, and he said unconvincingly, "She's sober."

"Liar, Diaz," Hen said accusingly, and shook her head at them sternly.

Eddie suddenly realised Buck was on his way down to them, two beers in his hands. He set one down in front of Eddie and took the seat beside him, leaning across to say to Karen, "You're drunk." Eddie caught a whiff of his deodorant and something so quintessentially _Buck_ , and his skin broke out into goosebumps.

"You are," she retorted. "And your face is so stupid."

Buck grinned. "Is it?"

"Yeah, stupid birthmark and pretty blue eyes, god, I hate boys," she complained, her arm locked around Eddie's shoulders. "Stupid pretty boys, both of you. Gross."

"Are we?"

"Yeah, do you know that before I came out, I had a boyfriend named Sean," she said confidentially, "and he had a Cadillac that broke down every month or so?"

"Great story," Buck teased, and she scoffed at him.

"I wasn't finished, _Buckaroo._ Anyway, do you know what happened to him?"

"Nope."

"Astronaut," she said smugly.

Buck exchanged a look with Eddie and said, "Why are you telling us this?"

"Because you two dummies aren't astronauts, are you? Dummies," she proclaimed, searching for Hen again. "Where's my wine? Henrietta!" Hen, at the bar, turned around with an exaggerated shrug. Karen groaned, but turned her attention back to Eddie. "You're so pretty. Buck, do you think he's pretty?"

Buck blushed. "I don't know."

"You do," she teased, grasping Eddie's face, and squeezing his cheeks. "Look at the pretty boy."

"Help," Eddie pleaded to Buck, who laughed at him.

Karen leaned across Eddie to Buck and said in a low voice, "What are you doing? Seriously, Buckaroo. Don't be dumb, okay?"

Buck stared at her. "Okay?"

"Be smart," she said meaningfully. "Look at what's right in front of you. Be a smart boy."

"Karen," Hen said from above them, holding a bottle of water. "Leave the boys alone."

Karen hushed her and pointed at Buck. "Listen to my words. Eddie's beautiful."

Buck glanced at Eddie again, who was staring at the table. "You're really drunk," he finally said.

Karen groaned, shaking her head at him. "Stupid boy," she muttered. "Hen, what's this? Where's my wine?"

"Come on," Hen said, grabbing her hand, pulling her away from them. "Leave them be."

"I was talking to them! Oh, Chimney, is that wine?" Karen stumbled over to Chimney, who cheered and hugged her.

Buck glanced at Eddie again. "She's not wrong."

"About what?" Eddie asked quietly.

"You are beautiful."

Their eyes met briefly, and his heart skipped a beat. Finally he gave a shrug and said, "Not really. I've got to head off soon to pick up Christopher." He pushed his untouched beer over to Buck and gave him a sidelong look. "Thanks, though."

"Thought you seemed a bit quiet up here."

"I'm just not feeling it tonight."

Buck was staring at him, but Eddie kept his eyes on the table. "What are you guys doing on Sunday?" he asked finally.

"Nothing. We were just going to have a quiet day at home; I've got some cleaning to do and Christopher has a school project he needs to work on."

"Can I come over and make you dinner?"

Eddie finally met his eyes. "Okay."

"Cool. I'll be there around five." Buck clapped a hand on his shoulder and stood. "Drive safe tonight, Eds." With that he wandered down to take a seat beside Abby, who leaned in against him and kissed his cheek.

Everyone was distracted by Karen and Chimney on stage, so Eddie left without saying goodbye. Kind of a dick move, sure, but he figured they were all so distracted that they wouldn't notice that he was gone.

Buck noticed. By the time Eddie had collected Christopher and arrived home, his phone was full of messages – messages that he promptly ignored, putting Christopher to bed, and heading in for a shower himself.

It was as he was sliding into his own bed that he checked his phone again, and scrolled through his texts, which were a mixture of, _"Where are you?"_ and _"Why did you leave?"_

Eddie didn't reply, and instead switched his phone to 'do not disturb' and flicked the light off. He tried to sleep, but his mind was racing, and he was filled with hope again. After all, Buck had said that he was beautiful. Buck was always looking at him; Buck was coming over…

And suddenly trying to be the selfless one was the dumbest decision he'd ever made, and he lay there, seriously considering texting Buck and telling him that he'd made a huge mistake.

But he didn't.

~

A week later, Buck bounded up to him in the station, a nervous look on his face. "Eddie," he said, grabbing him by the elbow and steering him away from Hen, who put her hand on her hip and stared after them curiously.

Eddie glanced back at her as he was dragged away, just as confused. "What's going on?" he asked with concern, as Buck led him out of the station and around the side of the building, where it was private.

"Now, I know you're going to say no," Buck began, sweat beading on his forehead, "but before you say no, just think it over."

"Think what over?"

"Abby is having a dinner party at her apartment and she has invited Maddie and Chimney, Josh… and you," he said, and then cringed as he added, "and Shannon."

Eddie folded his arms across his chest, gazing at Buck incredulously. "Why… why?" was all he managed to say, totally bewildered.

"She wants to bring us all together and get to know the people in my life she doesn't really know, like you, and Shannon, I guess," he said, visibly sweating. "I said you guys were getting divorced, but she knows it's amicable, and… she said she wanted to chat with you at drinks, but you'd already left."

He had to say no, but if he did… wouldn't they all realise something was up? What good reason did he have to flatly refuse to spend any time with Buck's girlfriend? Plus the fact that he hardly knew Maddie, and she was Buck's sister… he should probably try to spend some time with her as well. Aside from all of that, he loved the guy, and wanted to do the right thing by him.

So he said unhappily, "I'll ask Shannon." _She would definitely say yes._

Sure enough, a few hours later Shannon texted back with exclamation marks and an emphatic "YES" in capitals, and he rolled his eyes. They were back in the station, and Buck was up on top of the ladder truck with Chimney. Eddie called up to him, "She's in."

"Oh, great," Buck said with obvious relief. "Great. Thursday night. You remember where it is, right?"

"Yeah, yeah," he said, shoving his phone in his pocket and trying not to stomp away.

In the long list of things that he never wanted to do, this was number one with a bullet, surpassing going to a nude beach by a long shot. He actually couldn't think of something he wanted to do less than going to this dinner party and sitting with his ex-wife across from Buck and Abby, while Buck cast him guilty looks.

He trudged up the stairs to the balcony slowly. He felt like he was descending into quicksand, and every time he tried to pull himself free, Buck would tug him down a little deeper, blocking his escape. He hadn't thought it would be so hard to love the guy from afar, but apparently pining after someone was the most torturous thing a person could experience.

A dinner party. At Abby's apartment. With Shannon. What the actual fuck.

~

"I am so excited," Shannon said to him, her eyebrows arching with delight and mischief. "This is going to be great."

Eddie shook his head at her, clenched from head to toe. "Play it cool."

"Oh, I'm always cool." She was wearing a shimmery pink dress, carrying a tray of homemade cornbread. "Do you think I look okay? Do you think I'm too dressed up?"

"You like fine. Beautiful," he clarified, and she kissed him on the cheek. "Please don't abandon me tonight. Seriously."

"Ye of little faith," she said with a smirk, following him up the stairs to Abby's apartment. "This is going to be so funny; I can't wait."

"To torture me," he complained.

"Of course! Why else do you think I agreed to come?"

Eddie shot her a withering look, stopping outside the door to Abby's apartment. He took a deep breath, steeling himself, but Shannon knocked on the door instead and flashed him a wicked smile. He'd forgotten what an absolute fucking smart-ass she could be when she wanted to.

It was Buck who opened the door, in a white sweater and blue jeans. His eyes lit up when he realised it was Eddie, smiling brightly. "Eds, you look great," he said, dropping his voice low. "I like your shirt."

Shannon had picked out a dress shirt for him – it was navy blue, stiff and scratchy. "Thanks," he said, and tilted his head to Shannon. "You remember—"

"Hey Shan!" Buck exclaimed, cutting him off, holding his arms out so she could hug him. "Nice to see you again!"

"You too!" she replied just as happily, turning her head to the side in his embrace to waggle her eyebrows at Eddie. "Thank you so much for inviting me; that was so nice of you."

He ushered them into the apartment, and Eddie stood off to the side as Buck introduced Shannon to everyone. Abby was the first to greet her, a genuine smile on her face, shaking her hand warmly. Eddie nodded at the group tensely, and it was Chimney who took pity on him, taking him by the elbow and steering him away from Buck.

"So," Chimney said, grabbing a beer out of the fridge and passing it to Eddie. "How the hell did Buck talk you into bringing your ex-wife to this?"

He shook his head, uncapping the bottle with the palm of his hand. "Don't ask."

"I have to ask because I'm dying to know," Chimney said in a low voice. "What does he have over you, Diaz?"

_Oh, nothing, I'm just hopelessly in love with the guy and hoping you all won't realise._

He shrugged, unable to think of a lie. The smile slowly evaporated from Chimney's face and was replaced with concern. "What's going on?"

"Nothing. I just… didn't have a good reason to say no."

"The fact that she's your ex-wife?" Chimney pointed out. "Maybe?"

"I don't know." Eddie swigged his beer. "Let me just get through this unscathed, all right?"

Chimney shot him an odd look, but flashed a smile when Maddie stepped up to them, said confidentially, "What's with the sign?" and tilted her head towards the _'life does not have to be perfect to be wonderful'_ sign on the wall.

Eddie nodded at her admiringly. He liked the Buckley's, a _lot._

~

Once Josh arrived, the group took their seats at the dinner table. Abby had accepted Shannon's cornbread with a pleasant smile, but Eddie noticed it on the bench, separate to the rest of the food. Shannon did as well, and they shared a suspicious look. He was seated in the middle with Shannon to his right and Buck to his left. Abby was at the head of the table beside Buck, with Josh across from him, Chimney across from Eddie and Maddie opposite Shannon.

Eddie had never been so uncomfortable in his entire life. His skin felt like it was crawling – he wanted desperately to leave, but was trapped, and Buck kept leaning across him to talk to Shannon. Josh was glancing over at him every so often – why, he had no idea, he'd never met the guy before – and Maddie and Chimney were wrapped up in each other, as usual.

Buck jumped up to help Abby dish out the first course, and Shannon whispered in Eddie's ear, "Would you please relax? It is literally just a dinner party."

He shot her a pointed look and didn't respond.

"So Shannon," Maddie said, thankfully distracting her from Eddie. "Buck tells me that you're studying again to become a teacher?"

Shannon nodded. "Yeah, I'm working during the day at a law firm and doing online courses… I really wanted to do it, but… this guy happened," she said with a grin, nudging Eddie with her elbow, "and I never got around to it. Now, though… yeah, it's time."

"And you guys are getting divorced?" Abby asked from the kitchen, looking up from the bowl of salad she was tossing. "Amicably, obviously."

Shannon laughed. "Yeah, amicably. We're in a really good place, with Christopher and things between us are good…" she trailed off, giving Eddie a contemplative look. "We figured out we're better as friends and co-parents rather than husband and wife."

"Very modern," Abby said with a wry grin, and Shannon laughed again, but Eddie internalised it. Was that a slight hint of judgement he detected in her tone, or was she being genuine? He couldn't tell.

"You're quiet tonight," Chimney said to him, kicking his foot under the table.

"Eddie doesn't like dinner parties," Shannon answered for him.

"Actually, I think this is the first one I've ever been to," he said, scratching the back of his neck. "You guys know I'm not much of a talker."

"Yeah, you let Buck do that for you," Chimney teased. "And Shannon, apparently."

Eddie exchanged a look with Shannon, who wrinkled her nose at him affectionately. He couldn't think of anything to say, and shrugged, swallowing a mouthful of beer.

"And you're both from El Paso, right?" Maddie asked with interest.

"Eddie grew up there," Shannon replied. "I was just passing through when we met… well, thought I was passing through. I grew up in Cincinnati."

"So how did you guys meet?"

"Maddie," Buck said from the kitchen. "Quit the interrogation."

"What? I'm just asking," she said innocently. "So you guys met in El Paso?"

Shannon glanced at Eddie for help. He said, "I was tending bar, and she came in one night… the rest is history."

"You never told me you tended bar," Buck said, setting a bowl of bread rolls down in the middle of the table.

"I worked a lot of jobs before I went into the army. Bartending was one of them."

"You worked in a pizza shop for a while," Shannon added, "and then you were on construction crews, but you hated that."

"Yeah, miserable work," he agreed.

"And then you worked with your dad at the furniture company for a while, but you _really_ hated that."

He nodded, his eyes flicking to Buck, who was staring right back at him from the kitchen. "Turns out I just needed to figure out what I wanted to do," he said.

"Didn't we all," Chimney agreed.

~

The entrée was a vegetable soup served with bread. It was nice, if a little plain – Eddie was used to adding chilli to everything – and Shannon gave him a look when they were halfway through, as if she knew exactly what he was thinking.

Conversation was mostly about work – craziest calls, Chimney's absolute favourite topic of discussion, and if anyone noticed Eddie wasn't contributing anything other than laughter, it wasn't mentioned. Abby and Maddie seemed to be getting along well, though every so often Eddie caught a look pass between Maddie and Josh that he didn't quite understand.

Shannon was loving hearing about their adventures, totally engaged with the conversation, asking as many questions as she could – she was a social butterfly, always had been. It was one of the reasons he'd fallen in love with her – she was totally at ease in a group setting, completely in her element.

Beside him, Buck was quiet as well, and when Abby left the table to check on the main meal, he slid pepper over to Eddie without saying a word.

The main meal was brisket and vegetables. It smelled great, and Buck leapt up to help her arrange everything - and he was the one who brought out Shannon's cornbread and sat it on the table. Eddie noticed the sharp look Abby gave him, but was distracted by Josh, who leaned across and asked, "Was one of those jobs you did in El Paso modelling?"

Everyone laughed as Eddie went bright red. "Uh, no," he replied, embarrassed. "Why?"

"Just… I mean…" Josh gestured to him. "How come they put Chimney in the calendar and not you?"

"Hey," Chimney protested, already snacking on cornbread. "Come on."

Shannon rested a hand on Eddie's shoulder and said to Josh, "He's totally single, you know."

Josh raised his eyebrows hopefully. "Single and… not straight?"

Something shattered in the kitchen, and they all jumped. Buck had dropped a wine glass, and hurriedly knelt down to clean it up. "Oh no," Abby said, dismayed. "That was part of a set."

"Sorry," he apologised. "It slipped out of my hand."

Eddie risked a glance at Chimney, whose eyebrows were raised almost to his hairline, awaiting an answer. Shannon nudged him, and he said, "No, I'm not dating, right now. It's too hard with my son, I just… I don't have time."

Josh eyed him. "You'd drive the boys wild if you joined Grindr," he said knowingly, and something else clattered in the kitchen.

"Buck, oh my god!" Abby cried. "You're like a wrecking ball in here! Go and sit down, I've got it."

"Sorry, sorry," Buck said, hurrying out of the kitchen, and dropping into the seat beside Eddie. Josh's eyes turned to Buck, who immediately went red and looked away.

A knowing look crossed Josh's face, and he leaned in again and said to Eddie, "There are other apps, too, if Tinder or Grindr aren't for you. It's mostly hook-up culture, but there are some good ones if you want to meet someone genuine."

"No, I'm good," he said firmly, shaking his head, Buck's knee pressed insistently against his. "Thanks, I'm… not looking." Everyone was staring at him, except for Buck, who was pointedly looking off into the distance. Feeling hot, Eddie shoved his chair out and said, "Bathroom?"

"Down the hall, to the left," Abby replied, flashing him a smile.

"Thanks." He abandoned Shannon and quickly hurried down the hall, sweating profusely. Once safely ensconced in the bathroom, he planted both hands on the sink, took a few deep breaths, and then looked at himself in the mirror. Well, he looked like absolute shit, red and sweaty. He took a few moments, trying to calm down, and then remembered the last time he was in this bathroom… with Buck. Naked. Wet. All over each other, touching…

_What the fuck am I doing?_

How the fuck did he get here, at a dinner party, with Buck and his girlfriend, and Shannon, and Josh, who was nice but way too interested in him, and Maddie and Chimney, who kept looking at him like they knew something was up? How could it possibly get any worse than this?

He took another few deep breaths, rolled his shoulders, and opened the bathroom door. He went back out to the table and took his seat, exchanging a quick glance with Shannon. Abby had served the main meal, and there was already a portion on his plate. Either Buck or Shannon, he wasn't sure who, but it was Buck who passed him the potatoes and said, "I got you a good bit."

Buck, then. Eddie flashed him a grateful smile, and then made a point of saying, "This looks great, Abby."

"Oh, thank you," she said brightly. "It's such a nice recipe. Buck's been helping me out." She rubbed Buck's shoulder affectionately, and he smiled at her warmly.

It was nice – not as good as Bobby's, but tasty, the meat practically melting in his mouth. When Buck slid a second helping onto his plate he didn't protest, and simply dug in, ignoring the way Shannon's elbow dug into his ribs.

The conversation drifted back to work as they finished their meal. Buck stood to clear the plates, resting a hand on Abby's shoulder, his silent way of telling her to stay put while he handled it. Eddie hated not being useful, so he stood as well, and helped Buck clean up, the way they usually did at work.

"Sit down," Buck said to him when he carried the dishes into the kitchen. "I've got this."

He ignored him, and went back out for the rest. They were having a discussion about a TV show that they all seemed to be watching – a _Real Housewives_ thing – and he had no interest in that.

Neither did Buck, who passed him another bottle of beer, leaning against the kitchen counter. They each took a drink, not looking at each other, until Buck finally murmured, "I'm really sorry; I know you hate this. It's nearly over."

"It's just… awkward." He looked around Abby's apartment, remembering the last time he was here – and the first time, how they'd made out on her nice couch. Did Buck have any idea how painful it was for him to be here where it all began, with Buck so close? Was it painful for him as well?

They eyed each other, out of view of the rest of the group, who were laughing loudly. Buck said quietly, "Grindr is for casual hook-ups… not anything lasting. Don't go on Grindr. You'll be hounded by everyone, you know. Because of… the way you look."

Eddie raised an eyebrow, nodding once.

"And you know how you look, even if you downplay it." Buck's voice was low. "There's a reason Josh can't stop staring at you."

"Should I go on a date with him?" he asked smartly.

Buck stared at him, as if he wasn't sure whether Eddie was joking, and finally said, "Don't. _Please._ "

"I'm single; you're not."

"Don't."

"You can't have us both."

Buck just shook his head again. "I know. Just don't do anything."

Eddie swallowed a mouthful of beer, wiped his lips and murmured, "I need to get out of here. I hate this."

"Yeah, I know you do, but there's dessert and then she wants us to play charades or something, so you have to stay." Buck ran the water in the sink, turning his back. "Fuck," Eddie heard him breathe, leaning on the sink, his shoulders hunched.

~

Somehow, Eddie ended up seated next to Josh on the couch, who couldn't stop asking him questions. Josh was a nice guy – a great guy – but he hadn't seem to have picked up on the fact that Eddie hated talking about himself, was incredibly uncomfortable with the whole evening, and now had to watch Buck and Abby team up in a game of trivia, which Chimney was running; totally in his element as emcee.

Shannon was paired with Maddie, and the two kept whispering together and giggling, as though they'd been friends for years.

Abby and Buck only scored five out of ten for their round, and she gave Buck a disappointed look, smacking his thigh playfully. "You're usually so good at this!"

"Having an off night, I guess," Buck said, trying and failing not to look over at Eddie and Josh.

"Does anyone want another glass of wine?" Abby asked the group brightly, rising to her feet.

"Oh, I'd love one, thanks," Maddie replied.

"Shannon?"

Shannon held up her half-full glass. "I'm okay for now. Thank you, though."

Abby looked over at Josh and Eddie, and they both shook their heads. "We'll start the next round when you get back," Chimney said to her, perching on the edge of the couch beside Maddie.

Josh said to Eddie in a low voice, "Is this the weirdest dinner party you've ever been to, or is it just me?"

Eddie turned his head to the side, raising his eyebrows. "Hands down, without a doubt, weirdest dinner party I've ever been to. Also the only one I've ever been to."

Josh leaned in closer. "I'm not sure if you know this, but Maddie doesn't like Abby."

He frowned, taken aback. "Are you sure? They've been chatting all night."

"Maddie thinks she's too old for Buck, that she's using him and that she's going to break his heart."

"Man, I don't know."

"I think you do. How long have you two been in love?" he asked, flicking his eyes towards Buck, who was looking over at them questioningly.

Eddie glanced at him sharply, simultaneously impressed by the boldness of his question and pissed off by it. He was about to retort when Abby returned to the room, holding up the bottle. "Trivia is fun and everything," she said, carefully refilling Maddie's glass, "but let's play a little getting-to-know-you game. It's fun!"

Josh nudged Eddie with his elbow and stood, returning to Maddie's side, settling in beside her. Shannon came to sit beside him again, taking his hand, giving him a worried look. "You okay?"

"Yep."

"Never have I ever!" Abby announced, perching on the armrest beside Buck. "You know the rules, right? If you take a drink, it means you've done it. Does anyone need a fresh drink?"

They all shook their heads. Shannon murmured in Eddie's ear, "This is going to be amazing."

He grimaced, figuring he just wouldn't drink at all for any of the questions.

"I'll start easy," Abby said. "Never have I ever shoplifted."

Shannon, Maddie and Buck all took a drink, pointing at each other gleefully.

Abby nudged Buck, who cleared his throat and said, "Never have I ever…"

"He can't think of anything," Chimney said smartly.

Buck held a hand up to him and said, "Never have I ever been to Australia."

"Oh, boring," Chimney complained, but took a sip. "I went there ten years ago; met a nice Australian girl named Sharon and had a very good time."

Maddie elbowed him pointedly.

"Your turn," Buck said to Eddie.

He sat up, trying to seem enthusiastic. "Never have I ever been arrested."

Shannon took a sip, and when everyone gasped at her, she grinned and said, "Yeah, once. Public intoxication. My turn. Never have I ever had a one-night stand."

Lie. Eddie tried not to look at her – there was an evil gleam in her eye that he recognised so well. Everyone took a sip, except for him, and when Chimney made a face at him he said, "I don't do that."

"How many people have you slept with?" Chimney asked, ignoring Maddie's squawk of disbelief. "What? I can ask the guy. What's your number, Eddie?"

"What's your number?" he countered.

"I lost count after twenty."

Maddie had a disgusted look on her face. "I hope you're joking."

"I'm kidding!" he said to her, but he definitely wasn't. "So Eddie, what's your number?"

Excluding Buck, it wasn't a lot. He shrugged. "None of your business."

"Come on," Chimney groaned. "A good-looking guy like you?"

Shannon rested her hand on Eddie's leg and said, "He was married to me for a long time. He doesn't have one-night stands. He doesn't date."

"It's five," Eddie said, including Buck in the number, because… he guessed they had sex. "Thanks for forcing me to tell everyone, Chim."

Chimney smirked at him.

"Josh's turn," Buck said, trying to deflect the attention from Eddie.

Josh shrugged. "Never have I ever slept with a woman."

Maddie was the only one who didn't drink. Eddie turned to Shannon with raised eyebrows. She shrugged, and said, "We've been separated for a while."

Abby held up her hand and said, "I experimented in college. Maddie?"

"Sure," Maddie said. "Never have I ever ghosted anyone I was dating."

The room went quiet. Eddie exchanged a quick look with Shannon. Chimney's eyes were as wide as saucers; Josh was staring at the ceiling; Buck was trying to make himself invisible, and Abby was rigid, staring at Maddie in shock. Nobody spoke for what seemed like an eternity, until Abby said quietly, "That was a dig at me, right?"

Maddie shrugged, her eyes flicking to Chimney, who covered his face with his hand.

Abby tried to smile and said, "I know we didn't really get off on the right foot, Maddie, but… I invited you here with the best of intentions – to try to get to know you. Buck and I are in a serious relationship, and you're his sister, and I really hope we can be friends."

Maddie gave her a long look, as everyone else held their collective breaths. Her eyes shifted to Buck briefly before she said, "I would like that, but honestly, I feel like you used Evan and only came back because you had no other option, and being with him is better than being alone."

Abby shook her head. "I promise you, Maddie, it's not like that. I'm in love with him. Please… nobody wants to hear about this, we could just move on—"

Maddie raised her eyebrows slightly. "You could at least acknowledge that you ghosted him. Like, I'd have more respect for you if you just came clean about it."

"I didn't intentionally ghost him," Abby said defensively, and it was clear to Eddie that she was lying – hell, maybe it was clear to everyone, from the way they all began to shift uneasily. "I was always coming home to him."

"I don't believe you," Maddie replied bluntly, sipping her wine.

Abby was blinking rapidly, colour flooding her cheeks. Buck looked between his girlfriend and his sister and said nervously, "Listen, we're just… Maddie, it's just meant to be a game, like… we shouldn't do this."

"Then when should we do it? Because you wouldn't let me say anything at dinner last week," Maddie replied sweetly.

Chimney reached over to try to take the glass of wine from her hand, sighing when she stubbornly held onto it. "Maddie…"

"No, I want some answers," she argued. "If Buck won't stand up for himself, I will."

Abby sucked in a breath, casting a quick look at Buck, who was staring at the floor. She finally said, "Buck and I talked everything through."

"Oh, you didn't give him any sort of real _reason_ ," Maddie replied bluntly. "I'm just saying, if you really loved him, you would've called."

Abby straightened up, regaining her composure, and asked coldly, "No offence, but how is that any different to you not speaking to him for three years?"

Shannon drew in a sharp breath, wrapping both hands around Eddie's bicep. Eddie was frozen to the spot, his eyes on Buck, whose face was flaming.

If he was a better person, he'd take Buck by the hand and drag him away from all this, so he wouldn't have to be in the middle of whatever the hell was about to go down, but… he was a coward, and so he stayed rooted to his seat.

Maddie said calmly, "I don't owe you any kind of explanation."

Abby had clearly been expecting a different response, and she glanced at Buck for support, but found him steadfastly avoiding eye contact. "But you ignored your own brother for years."

"It was different." Maddie's tone was ice-cold. "I wasn't ignoring him, like some people."

"I wasn't ignoring him either!" Abby protested, a little desperately. "I was travelling!"

"Yeah, but America is not the only country in the world with the internet and cell phones."

"Maddie," Chimney murmured, but Maddie's face was like stone, and Abby was increasingly becoming upset.

"I just… wanted you to like me," she admitted, pushing her glasses up the bridge of her nose. "I invited you here so we could get to know each other. I made you dinner, and it's like you've gone out of your way to turn your nose up at everything. I've seen you and Josh looking at each other, and I heard that crack you made about the soup being unseasoned."

"It wasn't a crack," Maddie replied bluntly. "It was an honest assessment."

" _Maddie_ ," Chimney said again, desperately. "Come on."

"No," she said, waving a wine glass at Abby. "I see what she's doing. Putting on a little show; a little song and dance so we'll all just forgive and forget that she played Buck for a fool for months and then came back as if nothing had happened. Buck's too nice to say it to your face, but I'm not – you ghosted him for months; you treated him like crap and you do not deserve a second chance. And I do not give this relationship my blessing. I'm his only family. My blessing means _a lot._ "

Abby blinked rapidly, swallowing hard, turning to Buck again. "Are you hearing this?"

Buck looked at Eddie, and then Abby was looking at him as well, and Shannon's nails were digging into his arm.

"Buck," Abby said sharply, and he turned to her. "Aren't you going to say something?"

Buck's eyes turned to Maddie, who arched her eyebrows at him. "It's not like that," he said to her weakly, and she scoffed, rolling her eyes.

At that, Abby lost her temper. "You're such a bitch!" she hissed. "I don't care if you approve or not! Your brother is a grown man and you're acting like a child. Grow up."

"How many guys did you sleep with while you were off finding yourself in Europe, huh? What was it – _how Abby got her groove back_? Oh no wait, that's what you were using my brother for." Maddie was practically sneering at Abby, who was glaring right back at her.

"I've never used your brother for anything!"

"Oh please," Maddie said with disgust. "You were lonely and he was nice to you, so you took him for a spin. Why can't you just admit it?"

Abby was shaking, turning to Buck again for support. Buck said numbly, "Maddie, it really wasn't like that. You know that. Come on… this is way out of line." There was no conviction to his tone; no attempt at calming the situation. Buck clearly didn't believe what he was saying either, and from the way Abby was staring at him desperately, she realised that as well.

"I don't care what you think," Abby finally said to Maddie, though her voice was trembling and tears were in her eyes. "I thought you could at least be cordial to me. I just wanted to get to know you. I really see a future with Buck—"

"I don't. You're too old for him," Maddie said bluntly.

Abby recoiled as if she'd been slapped. "Age has nothing to do with it!"

"Oh yeah, it's fine for you—"

"Maddie, stop," Chimney said desperately, holding his hands up between them, looking to Buck for support and finding nothing. "Buck's a grown man. He makes his own decisions. Come on, we talked about this. The age thing is a low blow."

"Even your boyfriend isn't on your side," Abby said snidely.

Maddie tilted her head to the side and said, "Everyone else is."

And suddenly Abby's furious eyes were on Eddie, and Shannon let out a nervous laugh and said, "I just met you guys; I don't know what the fuck is going on."

Abby was about to say something, but Buck cut in and said, "Leave Eddie and Shannon out of this."

"You're the one who invited them! I didn't even want them to come! It's _weird_ , Buck," Abby complained – and then clapped a hand over her mouth, as if realising she'd said too much.

Chimney slumped back in his seat, covering his face with his hands. Josh was hiding behind a glass of wine, a delighted look on his face. Maddie was smirking, and Buck was looking at Eddie again, desperately.

Eddie met Buck's eyes, shaking his head with disgust, and checked his watch. "Shan? Time to go."

Shannon gripped his arm. "Just… wait."

Abby cleared her throat, looking overwhelmed. "I'm sorry," she said. Her eyes were watering and she was becoming more and more upset. "That's not what I meant. I was surprised when Buck asked to invite the both of you, because… you're getting divorced and I'm not sure why… you're friendly? I don't know. God, I just… I don't really know you and Buck talks about you all the time and I thought… you didn't like me."

Everyone was staring at Eddie, who said, "I don't know you either. We should go."

"Just… just…" Shannon was gripping his knee. "Wait."

Buck was silent, staring at the floor. Maddie turned to Abby and said, "Eddie is Buck's best friend. Why wouldn't you want him to come? Do you not want Buck to spend any time with his friends and family?"

"Oh my god, that's what you think?" Abby groaned. "You are so co-dependent with your brother—"

"Excuse me?"

Shannon leaned in close to Eddie and whispered in his ear, "This is amazing."

"You heard me. All of you are so co-dependent!" she snapped. "He's my boyfriend. You have your own boyfriend, so maybe use him for your emotional support instead of texting and calling Buck all the time."

Maddie's eyes flared. "He's my _brother_ , and you know nothing about it, so shut the hell up."

Abby rose to her feet, practically vibrating with anger. "You're so hypocritical! You're attacking me for ghosting Buck when you did the exact same thing to him, and you know it! He and I talked everything out and I don't owe you any kind of explanation."

"And yet you want one from me," Maddie countered, as Buck tried to make himself smaller and smaller. "I was in an abusive relationship with my ex-husband, who hated Buck so much that it was easier for me to cut him out of my life – to save the both of us. Do you get that? Have I made myself clear to you? Buck was the reason I found the strength and courage to leave, so don't you sit there—"

"Oh, right, and you couldn’t even call?"

"Are you fucking kidding me? I just told you that Doug hates him—"

"Stop!" Buck suddenly shouted, rising to his feet. "Everyone. Stop. Oh my god. Maddie, seriously… Abby… come on. This is ridiculous. Stop arguing about me as if I'm not just sitting here."

Eddie glanced at Shannon urgently. "Please."

She sighed. "Yeah, okay."

They rose to their feet, ducking out of the living room as the argument kicked up a notch – "I was defending you!" Abby snapped, as Maddie remarked, "You've picked a winner here, Buck. You know he wants kids, right?"

"Holy crap," Shannon whispered, grabbing her jacket from the coat rack near the door. "Thanks for a lovely evening, Abby! So nice to meet you!"

"You don't have to go!" Abby said desperately. "I'm really sorry!"

Eddie opened the door, and then glanced over to where Buck was gazing at him. "See you at work," he said, letting Shannon step out, before following her and letting the door close firmly behind him.

They hurried down the stairs, and once they reached the bottom, Shannon turned to him, raising her hands over her head, a huge grin on her face. "Did you see that? They hate each other. Eddie!"

"I know, I know, shh," he hissed, leading over to his car. "Jesus Christ. Poor Buck."

"Poor Buck? Those two are doomed. Totally doomed," she predicted. "You'll see. He'll end it; for sure."

~


	5. Chapter 5

Eddie heard all about the end of the dinner party from hell from Chimney at work the next day. The argument had escalated again until both women were shouting at each other. Chimney had eventually dragged Maddie out of the apartment, leaving Josh to apologise profusely. Buck had tried to play moderator, but Josh had reported that he and Abby had turned on each other as well, her accusing him of not having her back.

Buck was silent and brooding, though he pulled Eddie aside early in the day and apologised for forcing him to come. Eddie had nodded, clapping a hand on his shoulder, not wanting to get into it with him at work.

Two nights later, Buck was at Eddie's house to watch a movie, and Eddie lay on the couch while Buck and Christopher curled up together on cushions on the floor. He could tell Christopher was aware that something was up – he followed Buck around like a shadow most of the night, and even asked if Buck could tuck him into bed.

Eddie gave him a kiss goodnight and left them to it, tidying the kitchen and living room. He'd just uncapped a beer when Buck reappeared, and Eddie passed it over to him wordlessly.

"Can we talk?" Buck asked him quietly.

"Yeah," he replied, taking a beer out of the fridge for himself. "Come on."

They sat down on the couch together, facing each other. Eddie tucked one leg under himself and took a fortifying swig of beer, waiting for Buck to start.

He gave Eddie an imploring look and said quietly, "I'm so sorry I made you come to that. I shouldn't have."

"Well, she didn't really want us there," Eddie pointed out.

"I wanted you there," Buck admitted.

"I don't know what you want me to say. Literally everything should've told you that it was a bad idea. I don't know why you keep doing this to me, Buck…"

"You said we could still be friends," Buck pointed out.

"Yeah, but… you told me I was beautiful, when we were at the bar," Eddie began. "You forced me to come to a dinner party when you knew it would put me in an uncomfortable position, and you made me bring Shannon as well. You've been flat out telling me not to date anyone – why? Are you breaking up with her? Are you making sure I'm still interested so you can rebound with me? What the fuck is going on?"

Buck grimaced. "It sounds bad."

"It sounds bad? It is bad! Trying being on my side," he said emphatically. "Put yourself in my shoes and think about what you're doing to me."

"You do still like me."

"That's not the point. I wanted to date you, but your girlfriend came back – and I was okay with that, but you have to stop sending me mixed signals," he said emphatically. "I'm telling you, Buck – I'm not going to be your side-piece or anything like that. You can't have the both of us. You need to choose, man. Seriously. You need to let me go and just be with her, or break up with her and be with me, or maybe just be single for a while. What you're doing is not fair to either one of us, and you know it. Get your head together."

Buck said quietly, "We're not breaking up."

Eddie let out a breath. "Good. Fine. That's what you want; that's good." Inside he was screaming – _what the fuck, after everything, are you serious?_ – but he kept his expression as blank as possible.

"But you shouldn't go on one of those apps and pick someone up—"

"Don't tell me what I should or shouldn't do," Eddie interjected. "If I want to go pick someone up for some meaningless sex, that's up to me. Not you." He _wouldn't_ , but Buck didn't need to know that.

Buck clenched his jaw. "Please, Eds…"

"No, you can't ask me not to! I'm single. You're not."

"No, just… listen to me for a sec," Buck begged. "She and I had the biggest fight we've ever had, about Maddie, and me not having her back at the dinner party."

"You really didn't."

"No, but…" Buck trailed off. "My sister and my girlfriend were at each other's throats – how am I supposed to take sides there?"

Eddie sighed. "I don't know, Buck. I don't know. It was a bad night."

Buck shot him an uncertain look. "I know you don't want to hear about this, but… we fought, and I apologised, and _she_ apologised, and then we talked like… all night," he said, rubbing the bridge of his nose, "and… towards the end of it she said that she was concerned about how involved we all are in each other's lives. She thinks we're all co-dependent, and that you guys are just my co-workers… and maybe because of how I was raised, I've misconstrued our relationship; that I think it's more than what it actually is. Do you think that?"

Eddie wanted to heave another sigh, but with Buck looking so goddamn insecure, he fought the urge. So this was why he'd been so quiet at work; not his usual self at all – he was second-guessing everything. He mulled it over for a few moments, and finally said, "I think she's wrong."

Buck's eyebrows lifted slightly.

"Just because… she doesn't know what it's like to do our job," he said delicately. "She doesn't understand what it's like to work so closely with a team and to build that kind of trust. We are very close, but… that's not a bad thing. You haven't misconstrued anything."

"I'm not close with my parents," Buck admitted. "And Maddie did drop out of my life for three years, but she… was in an abusive relationship, and… her ex-husband hates me. I didn't realise that he was… hurting her." He looked so damn guilty and young, his head lowered. "I would've done something; I would've… I love her, she's my big sister. You know?"

"Yeah, I've got sisters; I know."

"And I don't think Abby understands. I tried to tell her about my childhood but she… didn't really understand where I was coming from." He swallowed hard. "I know she cares about me. She tells me she's in love with me, but sometimes… I don't think she _gets me._ I'm terrified of losing the people I love. I went through a lot to find my family here, and… for her to say that I've misconstrued everything was like, ripping me open? Because like… what if I have, Eds? And you all just put up with me because you have to?"

Eddie set his beer down on the coffee table. "I'm not putting up with you," he said firmly. "I wouldn't have let you into my life if I didn't want you around. I wouldn't have let you meet Christopher or have anything to do with him. She doesn't understand, and that's the problem. Not you."

"I don't know if I believe that." A stray tear leaked down Buck's cheek. "All I've ever wanted is a family, Eddie… people who love me and want me around. Nobody ever does."

He bit back the scream of frustration building inside, shifted closer to him and said, "Look at me, Buck."

Buck resisted, his head to the side, but gave in when Eddie reached out and grasped his chin gently.

"I don't trust easily," he said clearly. "I don't fall in love easily. I don't let people in easily. I let you in and I hadn't even known you a week… I let you meet Christopher; I let you come over here whenever you want, and I gave you a key. We're not together, but you're my family. It doesn't matter how long we've known each other; it doesn't matter that we're co-workers. You are in my family."

Buck swallowed hard. "I am?"

"Yeah, that's why I said yes to your stupid dinner party, and why I let you get away with murder," he said, cupping Buck's face slightly before releasing him. "She doesn't understand, that's all. It doesn't mean she's right. She was probably still angry and lashing out."

He nodded slowly. "You're right."

"Family isn't always the people you're related to. The 118 is the family we made," he said, reaching for his beer again. "But Buck… you said you're not breaking up. Why, after all this, are you not ending it?"

Buck bit his lip, leaning back against the couch, the beer held loosely in his hand. "I really care about her," he finally said. "I love her. It hasn't been great, since she's been back, but… we still have something between us; a real connection. I know I'm part of the problem; I know that. But it just doesn't feel like it's over."

Eddie shrugged. "Okay. As long as it's what you want."

"I want to try. I don't want to give up because we had a fight." Buck had a swig of his beer, and wiped his mouth.

They were both silent for a few moments, until Eddie murmured, "You never told me about your childhood, you know."

Buck rolled his eyes. "It'll just piss you off."

"Tell me."

"No, because… it doesn't matter," he said, sitting up straight, clearing his throat. "I'm sorry about the dinner party, and I'm sorry for… not keeping my thoughts to myself. Josh isn't wrong; you are… beautiful. And if you went on the apps, you'd find plenty of people who think so too."

"I'm not interested in what anyone thinks about how I look. It really doesn't matter. I've got a kid. I'm not interested in hooking up with anyone." Eddie made a face, shaking his head.

"You hooked up with me," Buck pointed out.

"That was different, and you know it."

"You asked me if you could kiss me."

"Yeah, because I liked you!" he snapped, and then covered his mouth with his hand. "I'm not going to like anyone else."

"How do you know?"

"Because."

"That's not an answer."

"It's the one you're going to have to accept." Eddie finished the last of his beer and set the bottle down again. "Listen, we need to work out some boundaries or something. Maybe no talk about your relationship, or me counselling you—"

"You don't like her," Buck guessed.

He sighed. "I hardly know the woman! Why are you so obsessed with whether everyone likes her or not?"

"Because I heard everyone, including you, gossiping about me at work a few weeks ago," Buck shot back. "Talking about how she's so much older."

Eddie made a face. "Including me?"

"Yeah."

"When?"

"You were all sitting on the lounges together, talking about me. I heard you from the stairs. After we had drinks; the Monday afterwards."

Eddie shook his head. "I wasn't in on that."

"You were!"

"Buck, I'm telling you – if it's the day I'm thinking of, I was sitting in the armchair with my headphones in watching TV on my phone. I wasn't listening to them and I wasn't participating. You know I've been watching _The Office_ at work."

Buck blinked. "Oh."

"Yeah. I wouldn't gossip about you. You're my best friend." Eddie eyed him as he fidgeted unhappily. "I don't know what they said about her; I'm sorry. I wasn't paying any attention."

"It's okay; I just… hate feeling like I'm on the outs."

"You're not on the outs, at all. You're just a hot topic of conversation right now. You know Hen couldn't get enough of hearing about the dinner party from hell."

Buck actually managed a smile. "She didn't ask me."

"No, but she wanted a full rundown from Chim and me," he said, rolling his eyes. "She was a bit miffed that she hadn't been invited."

"Abby wanted to schmooze Maddie," Buck replied. "And she feels a bit uncomfortable with the whole group, like… we have all these in-jokes that she doesn't understand."

"That's fair enough, we do." Eddie shifted in his seat, rolling his shoulders. "Listen… you know you're putting me in a tough spot here."

"I know, but you're the only person I trust," he said helplessly.

He sighed. "I'm terrible at relationships. I'm like the worst person you could possibly talk to about this. You don't want to talk to Hen or Karen, maybe?"

Buck shook his head. "They're gossips."

"Yeah, true. Bobby?"

"No."

"And you can't talk to Maddie because she and Abby don't get along, and Chimney will just tell Maddie whatever you say."

"No. You're the only person I have left." Buck gazed at him imploringly.

Eddie said quietly, "How do you not have any other friends, Buck? Seriously."

Buck let out a bitter laugh. "I'm terrible at picking people."

"You picked me."

"Not at first." Buck glanced at him. "I can't seem to make lasting relationships with people. It's like people float in and out of my life. I'll get attached to someone, and then they'll disappear. I expect the same thing to happen with you."

Eddie frowned. "Why would you think that?"

"Because… it always happens. I get left behind; I always do."

"Have I given you any indication that I would do that?"

Buck murmured, "You pushed me away."

"When?"

"When she came back."

Eddie balked at that, and said, "I didn't push you away – I made it clear that I wanted to still be friends. She's your girlfriend and you're in love with her, so I had to take a step back."

"Yeah, but—"

"But what?" Eddie demanded. "You can't have it both ways. You know I had feelings for you, and you know I wanted more and now… I have no idea what you want. Do you even know?"

"Shannon said you were like this," Buck muttered unhappily. "That you're emotionally unavailable."

"I'm trying to talk to you, aren't I?" he asked helplessly. "I'm _trying._ You're not listening to me."

"Maybe I'm too much of a burden on you."

"I never said that! I just… Buck, we're going around in circles," he said, scrubbing his face with both hands. "Just… talk to me. Why do you think that people leave you?"

Buck sighed, leaning back against the couch, looking around the house. "I always get dumped," he said quietly. "I think I'm too needy or something… I always want more than what people are willing to give. And you… are going to realise that I'm just dragging you down. And the truth is that… nowhere feels more like home than here, with you, and when I'm with Abby I'm constantly second-guessing myself. But with you, I never do. I know what you're thinking and I trust you; I know what kind of mood you're going to be in. I just... I'm not sure it's meant to be this hard. I'm not sure that if I really loved her, I would be so torn about things. Honestly, I wish you'd never kissed me. I really do."

_Fuck._ Stung, Eddie looked away from him, swallowing hard. "Sorry," he finally said. "I liked you."

"I liked you too. I wish I never knew that you liked me. I feel like… I'm going to lose you, because… I can't give you what you want."

"What I want is your friendship," Eddie replied quietly. "I haven't asked you for anything more than that in months."

Buck nodded, clearing his throat. "Yeah. You're right. Okay. I'm gonna go."

"Buck…"

"Oh Eds, what's the point, honestly," he muttered, rising to his feet. "I've got to get my head together, like you said."

Eddie stood as well, following him to the door. "Hey, I meant what I said, about you being part of my family," he said, touching Buck's elbow. "My kid thinks you're the best thing that's ever happened to us… I don't want that to change. I don't want you to abandon him because of me."

Buck gave him a long look, and said, "Eddie, I would never abandon either of you. I love you too damn much." With that, he left, letting the door fall shut behind him.

Eddie forced himself to stay, ignoring the voice inside his head that told him to run after him, to kiss him, to beg him to stay… to leave his girlfriend. It was selfish, and Buck was clearly struggling with everything.

The conversation played in his head as he readied himself for bed, finally settling down with a book and trying to read a page, before giving up and tossing it aside. He flipped onto his side and grabbed his phone, and found a text from Buck.

_Sorry again._

Eddie stared at the two words until his vision blurred, and then replied, _I'm sorry too. You should just be with her. She can make you happy._

The three dots indicating that Buck was typing appeared and disappeared, and he waited, but no text came through.

Typical. He was about to toss his phone to the side when a text did pop up. _Outside in my car._

He was still there? Outside the house? Eddie stood and went out to the living room. He shoved his feet into a pair of shoes and grabbed the keys, heading out to where Buck was parked on the street.

"What's going on?" he asked. The door was open, and Buck was sitting sideways in the drivers' seat, waiting for him.

"Shannon said," Buck began, and then screwed his face up. "No. Okay. Listen. Shannon… told me that when you guys were together, you could never say what you were feeling. When I told her that you asked me if you could kiss me, that you… initiated things with me, and that you introduced me to Christopher… she was so shocked, like she couldn't believe that we were talking about the same person."

Eddie folded his arms across his chest. "Why are you telling me this?"

"Because… I was really excited about you," he admitted. "And then Abby came back, and… you changed. Like, instantly. You didn't even fight for me, you just told me to go… and I thought maybe I'd misunderstood things. That I did what I always do and want too much too fast."

Eddie sighed. "I thought you were in love with her! I thought that you'd choose her over me anyway, so I may as well tell you to go. You are in love with her, right?"

Buck paused, and then said, "Yes."

"Okay. So you need to understand that you can't keep stringing me along, right? I liked you, and I have to get over you."

"If you liked me, why did you just give up?"

"I told you why! I'm not going to be the person you settle for," he said unhappily.

Buck screwed his face up. "I wouldn't be settling for you. You are… fuck, Eddie. You're the most frustrating person I've ever met. You could've just told me that you liked me! You could've given me all the information… you could've just told me how you felt. Why didn't you just tell me? Because we hadn't known each other that long? Who cares? I got a good feeling and I know you did too, but you pushed me away." He shook his head bitterly. "You didn't give me all the information; you didn't give me a choice."

"You don't want me," he heard himself say.

Buck gave him an incredulous look. "Are you fucking insane?"

"No, you don't… Shannon told you, right? She told you all about me, and it's true. I was a shitty husband, and if we were together, I'd probably be a shitty boyfriend." He took a step back from the car, holding his hands up in a shrug. "I'm not good enough for anyone, least of all of you. You're way too good for me, so go be with Abby. Be happy. Don't worry about the what if's of being with me, because anyone else is a better choice."

"Eddie," Buck said, shocked. "You don't really believe that, do you?"

"Yeah, I do. I'll see you at work." He shoved his hands into his pockets and turned away, striding back up to the house. He locked the door behind him and then sank down onto the floor, letting out a trapped breath.

He'd meant every word.

~

They didn't speak about it, and if anyone noticed that he and Buck weren't as chummy as usual, it wasn't mentioned. They made tentative plans to meet with Christopher for games at Buck's apartment during the week, but that was all thrown out the window a day later. Maddie was missing, Chimney had been stabbed, and Buck was in hospital jail.

Eddie received a frantic call from Hen and arrived at the hospital to find half of their crew milling around worriedly. He briefly checked in with Hen and Bobby before stealing back to where Buck was handcuffed.

He'd never seen Buck look so wrecked, and he talked with him quietly, though he wasn't sure what comfort he could offer – how do you reassure the person you love, without showing any outward affection, that everything was going to be okay? What if it _wasn't_ okay? Maddie had been abducted by her abusive ex-husband, and he was realistic. It might not end well.

Buck left with Athena, and Eddie wandered back out to wait with the others. He was sitting beside Hen, texting with Shannon, when a clearly distressed Abby hurried into the waiting room. Hen was the one to jump up to greet her.

"Abby, we don't know anything yet," she said, taking Abby by the elbow and guiding her away from the group, nearer to where Eddie was sitting for some privacy.

Abby nodded, on the verge of tears. "Is Chimney okay?"

"We're still waiting on that as well, but he survived a rebar through his brain. I'm confident he'll survive this as well."

"And they arrested Buck?"

Hen shook her head. "He's gone with Athena to try to hunt down Maddie. She won't charge him. It's _Buck._ Honestly, if I'd had the opportunity, I would've done the same thing."

Abby nodded again, swallowing hard. "I thought I was going to have to bail him out."

"We would've done that," Hen replied, casting a look at Eddie, who nodded in agreement. "We're not sure how long they'll be gone for. You're welcome to wait here with us, or you can head home, and I can text you with updates as they come in."

Abby checked her watch. "I might wait for an hour or so," she replied, "but I have an early shift in the morning. It's not that I’m not worried," she clarified, looking back and forth between them, "but—"

"You have a job; we understand," Hen said smoothly. "I'm sure Buck will be in touch soon."

"You don't think anything will happen to him, do you?" she asked Hen with concern.

"No, he's with Athena. He's in the safest place he could possibly be," she said reassuringly. "Why don't you sit down with us and wait for a little while? Hopefully we'll get an update."

"Okay," she agreed, taking the empty seat beside Eddie.

"Would you like a cup of tea or coffee?"

"Tea would be lovely, Hen, but I can get it."

Hen held her hands up. "Give me something to occupy myself," she said with a smile, and went to the coffee station.

Abby chewed on her thumbnail. Her hair was loose and framing her face, almost like a curtain. Eddie said quietly, "I talked to him before he left. He's okay."

"He must be sick with worry. He's not answering my messages." Her voice was low. "That’s not like him."

"It wouldn't be personal. He's just freaking out."

"Yeah, I understand." Abby flashed him a quick, tense smile. "I'm glad to get a chance to talk to you, actually. I wanted to apologise to you about the dinner party. That's obviously not how I wanted things to end, and I want you to know that it's not that I didn't want to invite you and Shannon. I thought it was odd that Buck suggested inviting your ex-wife – that's all."

"Yeah, I found it pretty odd myself. I'm sorry things ended up the way they did," he said, and she gave an unhappy nod. "I don't know Maddie very well either but I think maybe everyone had a little bit too much to drink."

"That's nice of you to say but it's more likely that she just doesn't like me and doesn't approve." Abby paused, looking around the room, and then said quietly, "I know this isn't the place or the time but I don't know when I'm going to get another opportunity, and Eddie… I think you and I need to have a conversation."

_Shit._ He tried to keep his expression blank, but bobbed his head in acknowledgment.

Abby adjusted her glasses nervously, shifting in her seat, and said with an uncomfortable laugh, "God, this is so horrible. I can't believe I'm going to have this conversation with you but I don't know what else to do." She paused briefly, took a deep breath, and said, "I feel like… there are three people in this relationship, and one of them is you. I feel like ever since I came back, his attention has been divided, and even when he's with me, he's not really with me anymore. Not the way he used to be."

He had no idea what to say, and simply kept his eyes trained on the floor guiltily.

"I asked him if something happened while I was gone, and he keeps saying no," she said quietly. "I asked him if something is going on _now_ and he says no, but Eddie… he's different, and it's because of you."

"Nothing is going on," he said numbly – but that was a lie, because something _was_ going on, wasn't it? He and Buck were emotionally involved with each other; they'd been right on the cusp of a relationship when she'd returned… and he was emotionally available, always – Buck's support system. The person he relied on. It was no surprise she was asking him to back off, and as he suddenly realised the extent to which they were hurting her, he felt _awful._

Abby eyed him. "I don't know what happened. Honestly, I'm not sure I want to know. The thing that I need you to know is that… he and I have this amazing connection. I can't explain it myself, but I know how I feel about him… he's always treated me so wonderfully. It's one of the best relationships I've ever had, and… I know we're going through a rough patch," she said quietly, almost to herself, "and I know I'm partly to blame for that, but… I want to make it work with him because I think we have something worth fighting for. I know he does too."

Eddie was silent, his heart cracking into a thousand pieces. Maybe they really did have something special and he'd been too glib about it – maybe he'd been inadvertently pulling Buck away from the love of his life? Was that what he'd been doing?

Hen returned with a cup of tea, and Abby took it from her with a smile. Once they were alone again, she cast him a sidelong look. "He doesn't talk about you much at all, except to tell me the nights that he'll be at your house and not to call him. My own boyfriend asks me not to call him when he's with _you_ ," she said in a low voice, as though she couldn't believe it herself. "It's like you're the other woman. I know that's a stupid thing to think, but… he cuts off all communication while he's with you and your son, what else am I supposed to think?"

"I don't know why he does that," he said dumbly. Buck was asking her not to call? No wonder she was so on edge all the time. He felt so goddamn _guilty_. Somehow, despite his best efforts, he'd become the third wheel in their relationship. It wasn't fair to her. She wasn't a bad person, and Buck had loved her enough to want to give things another try. Maybe he really would have to figure out how to end things with Buck, permanently.

Abby sipped her tea and said quietly, "I'm not sure why I'm so threatened by you. He… talks about your son all the time, about the trips to the beach and the park, but he never really talks about how you fit into that… and he has pictures of you on his phone; sometimes I catch him looking at them. He texts you constantly. When you phoned him a few weeks ago, his whole face lit up. He used to feel that way about me. And even sitting here now, next to you, I just… you make me so uncomfortable."

"I'm sorry," he said automatically.

"No, I think it's me, because… you've been nothing but nice. Unlike Maddie," she said, and then screwed her face up. "God, I can't believe I just said that. Her monster of an ex-husband has abducted her and I'm sitting here thinking about how mean she was to me. I'm so sorry."

"It's okay," he said, tucking his hands under his thighs, staring at the ground again.

She was silent for a few long moments, and then she murmured, "I thought he was going to break up with me after the dinner party, but we made up. He apologised for not having my back."

He had no idea what to say. "That's… good."

"Is it?" she asked.

He met her eyes. "Yes."

"He even called you tonight instead of me."

"He's my best friend; we're friends," he said helplessly. "I work with Chim."

"It's more than that. I want to be that person for him, and you've taken my spot." Abby had a dark look on her face. "He was in love with me before and now I don't think he is anymore."

Eddie shook his head. "I'm not going to talk to you about Buck—"

"I'm not asking you to talk; I want you to listen." Abby glanced around to make sure they were alone, and said, "I need you to take a step back so he and I can work on our relationship. Is that okay?"

He met her eyes, taken aback by the blunt request. "It's not that easy. My son—"

"Your son is not Buck's son."

"No, but they have a special bond. Christopher has cerebral palsy and he considers Buck his best friend. We do movie nights during the week so they can spend time together. I'm not going to tell my kid that he can't see Buck because his girlfriend is threatened."

"I'm not threatened by your son," she said tightly. "I'm threatened by _you._ "

"You don't have to be," he said, holding his hands up. "He's my friend, first and foremost. That's it."

"You're his emotional support, and I'm his girlfriend, and instead of talking to me he runs to you," she pointed out. "You see what position I'm in, right? This doesn't work."

"I know," he said, lifting his shoulders again. "But this is something you need to talk to Buck about."

"I'm asking you to please take a step back." Abby looked close to tears. "I didn't think I'd have to compete for my boyfriend's affections when I came home to him."

"You ghosted him for months," Eddie said without thinking.

She inhaled sharply. "I came back. I was always coming back."

He raised his eyebrows and didn't respond.

Abby sighed, rubbing the bridge of her nose. "Listen, I see a future with him. I think we have something really special, and I know things have been rocky, but I think we can get our relationship back on track. He's the kind of person I see myself marrying, and we've talked about taking the next step."

_Marriage._

He'd hoped that maybe Buck had been exaggerating, but no. They were talking about marriage. _Fuck._

He tried not to have any outward reaction, staring at a chip in the concrete floor.

Abby said in a low voice, "I know I could make him happy, and that I can give him what he wants. Nobody understands him the way I do."

He thought she was wrong, but... he really didn't _know_. All he had to go on was what Buck was telling him. He had no idea how to respond, so he simply shrugged.

She was staring at him intently. "Eddie, I know I shouldn't be doing this here, and I'm sorry, but I'm begging you. Please. Please take a step back. You're confusing him. Maybe you haven't done anything, but I'm not stupid, and I know _something_ is going on. I think everything would be easier for us if you weren't in the picture and he could just focus on our relationship, instead of constantly thinking about you and your son. That's not too much to ask, is it?"

At that he stood – he'd had enough, heard enough, didn't want to be a part of it anymore. She was tense, staring up at him beseechingly, and he said icily, "Talk to him about that," before turning his back on her.

Hen glanced at him questioningly as he strode over to where Bobby was standing. "Everything okay?" Bobby asked in a low voice.

"I have to go. Christopher." He couldn't think of an excuse, and just saying Christopher's name was usually enough to get him out of anything he didn't want to do. "Call me as soon as you have an update? I'll come back first thing in the morning."

"Sure, Eddie," Bobby said with surprise. "Of course. You go; I'll keep you informed."

"Thanks, Cap." Eddie nodded at him and headed out into the cool night air, regretting almost every single one of his life choices.

~

He thought about it later that night, after his Abuela had left. He'd checked on Christopher and spent some time listening to his sleepy little snuffles, before wandering out to the darkened kitchen and pouring himself a glass of whiskey.

She wasn't wrong. Buck was torn between the two of them, and maybe Eddie hadn't been making it any easier by always being there for him as his emotional support, being available, being the other option... by waiting around, hoping they would just magically break-up. If the dinner party hadn't broken them, then maybe nothing would.

The problem was that she fundamentally misunderstood where Buck was coming from, or why he was so intent on keeping Eddie in his life. For someone suffering from a significant fear of abandonment, finding people to connect with and forming relationships and bonds was more important than she seemed to realise. Their connection was no joke - after their initial stumble, they'd very easily become friends and then something _more_ without even really trying. He and Buck _clicked_. He'd never had that before, with anyone, not even Shannon - as much as he'd loved her, sometimes finding common ground was difficult.

He never had that problem with Buck, who accepted him easily and without question, who never asked anything of him, and who'd become one of the most important figures in Christopher's life. Buck wanted a family _desperately_ , and Eddie understood that, and wanted to give him one. Hadn't he also been searching for his place in the world? Trying to find the right person?

That was Buck. His person was Buck, but Buck... wasn't his, not right now. And he needed to let him go; to set up those boundaries between them, once and for all.

They could be just friends. Eddie would just have to try to make him understand.

~

When Maddie was home safe, and Chimney was on the mend, Eddie did the one thing he absolutely didn't want to do, and asked Buck if he could come over to the loft so they could talk. Buck answered the door, a hopeful smile on his face, and invited him inside.

"You want to order a pizza?" Buck asked, following Eddie into the apartment.

"Sure," he said, shrugging out of his jacket. "How's Maddie?"

"She's doing okay. I saw her this afternoon – she's thinking about moving again, though, and I don't blame her. I told her I'd help her look for a new apartment." Buck grabbed two beers out of the fridge, and handed one to him. "How's Shannon? I haven't seen her since the… dinner party from hell."

"She's great. We took Chris to the zoo on the weekend. My Abuela even came along." Eddie sat down on a stool, pulling his phone out of his pocket and passing it over to Buck to show him the photos.

Buck scrolled through with a wistful look on his face. "Man, I wish I could've come. Let me know the next time you're going, okay?"

"Okay. Listen, I need to talk to you about something." Eddie uncapped his beer and took a fortifying swig, and then held his hand out for his phone. Buck handed it over, sitting across from him, totally unprepared for the bomb Eddie was about to drop on him.

"What's going on?" he asked curiously.

He let out a breath and said, "I need you to listen to me without getting upset, okay? Or thinking that I'm trying to pull away from you – I'm not. I just… spoke to your girlfriend while we were waiting for Chim at the hospital, and you and I need to talk."

Buck's eyebrows flew up. "You spoke to Abby? She never told me about that. What did she say to you?"

"She asked me, very reasonably, to take a step back," he admitted, and something that looked a lot like anger flashed across Buck's face. "No – just listen, and don't freak out. We're hurting her, and you know it. This is the woman you love, and you're… ignoring her to be with me. It's not right. We have to stop."

Buck's brow furrowed, and he shook his head. "I told you how… you're like family to me, and…"

"And I feel that way too but… put yourself in her shoes," he said quietly. "Think about how you'd feel if the person you were involved with asked you not to call them when they were with their friend. Buck, it's… not cool."

"I didn't ask her not to call," he protested. "That's not what I said. One night when I was at your place and I had my phone on silent, she texted me like fifty times and was mad because I didn't reply. I told her we were watching a movie, and she said it wasn't a good enough excuse. I just told her that when I'm at your place we're usually watching a movie and I'm not looking at my phone, so… there was no point in her texting. I didn't tell her not to!"

"Okay, okay," Eddie said quickly, not wanting to start an argument about it. "I get it. I'm just telling you what she said."

"Well, she lied to you."

"Buck, I'm not… seriously, I am not trying to pit you against Abby or do anything like that. I'm trying to tell you that if you're in love with this woman, you need to be with her and not with me. That means no more confiding in me; no more telling me I'm beautiful – no more mixed signals. I'm your friend. She's your girlfriend. You need to be with her."

Maybe he was too blunt. Buck recoiled from him, blinking furiously. "Did she tell you to say that to me?"

"No, I'm saying it to you because it needs to be said and I haven't been firm enough. I want you in my life. I want you in Christopher's life, because he loves you so fucking much, but Buck – you know this is wrong. When your girlfriend is sitting there on the verge of tears because she doesn't understand why her boyfriend won't talk to her about anything, there's a problem." Eddie swallowed a mouthful of beer, finally meeting Buck's eyes.

Buck was staring into space; brows pulled together, lips twisted in a scowl.

"You know I'm right," he said again.

He looked over at him and said unhappily, "But you're… you…"

"No," Eddie said gently. "No. She's your girlfriend. I'm nothing."

"Eddie."

"We just can't do it anymore. I'm sorry. Movie nights, yes, but… the confiding stuff, we just can't do it. I feel like shit. She's a nice person and you and I aren't doing the right thing by her."

"You're not giving me a choice," Buck protested.

"There is no choice. She's your girlfriend. I'm just your friend," he said, trying to placate him.

Buck set his beer down on the bench and snapped, "Why doesn't anyone ask me what I want? Seriously, Eddie. You've got this bad habit of dictating everything and telling me what I should be doing, without asking me what I want!"

"Aren't you old enough to make your own decisions about your life?" he asked bluntly.

Buck flinched. "Wow."

"Well? What do you want me to say?"

"I wanted you to tell me right at the start that you had feelings for me," Buck hissed, "instead of pushing me away. You know what I think the problem is? You're scared of how you feel; of what it means. Perfect Eddie isn't perfectly straight like his parents want him to be."

Eddie shook his head. "That's not it."

"Then what is it?"

He sighed. "All I heard about, from the moment I met you, was how much you were in love with this woman named Abby. How she'd made you a better person; how you were waiting for her. How much she'd helped you grow up. All you talked about was her. I knew I was no competition for that."

Buck swallowed hard. "But you could've tried."

"It was easier to step back then have you reject me," he said honestly. "At least this way we can still be friends. I can get over this, but I just need some space. That's all."

They lapsed into silence. Buck's eyes were trained on the countertop, until he finally looked over at Eddie and said, "The only reason you liked me at all was because she made me the man I am today."

Eddie made a face. "That's bullshit."

Buck's eyebrows flew up. "Excuse me?"

"She didn't do that for you – you changed, on your own, because you figured out what you want and it wasn't to sleep around anymore. She may have been the catalyst but the rest of it was all you. Your self-esteem is wrapped up in this woman – how the fuck am I supposed to compete with that? It's easier just not to." Eddie finished the rest of his beer and set it down firmly on the bench. "I told you, Buck. I fucking told you. I'm not good enough for you."

"Why do you keep saying that? I'm no prize."

"Oh please, everyone loves you," he said dismissively. "Everyone's arguing about you and talking about you and constantly worrying – how the hell would they react if you suddenly took up with me? No way in hell anyone would be on board with that."

Buck was staring at him like he couldn't believe what he was hearing. "Have you ever stopped to consider that I don't care what anyone thinks?"

"You care what I think," he pointed out.

"That's different. That's you." Buck was gazing at him, a fire in his eyes. "I don't know why you're so hard on yourself, Eds. Why don't you think you deserve anything good? You're the best father, a great firefighter… my best friend in the world. The best friend I ever had. You deserve to be happy just as much as anyone else."

He shrugged, swiping at his nose, looking away. "Agree to disagree."

" _Eddie_."

"Nope. We're not doing this anymore."

"Yes, we are! Don't cut me out because of Abby. We can still talk about our lives and stuff—"

"I can't," he said, his voice cracking. "I should go."

"Eddie," Buck said urgently. "Please."

"We'll still do the movie nights and you can see Chris as much as you want," he replied, sliding off the stool, pulling his keys out of his pocket. "But you have a girlfriend who is threatened by me and I don't want to be in the middle anymore."

"You could just tell me what you want," Buck pleaded.

"I want you to go be happy with your girlfriend," Eddie lied, slipping into his jacket. "We're work colleagues and friends, and that's it."

" _Eddie._ "

Eddie shrugged at him sadly. "That's it," he said. "You love her. Be with her. Talk to her. Put yourself into that, Buck. You'll be happier."

"Will you?" Buck asked him, but he was already walking to the door.

"See you at work," he said, and let himself out of the loft.

~


	6. Chapter 6

With what he hoped were boundaries in place, Eddie threw himself back into work and tried to continue on as normal. His words seemed to have an effect. Buck was keeping his distance, and while things were cordial and friendly between them at work, there was a definite wall up where there hadn't been before. If anyone noticed, nothing was said – at least not to him. Occasionally he'd catch Hen studying him, like she was trying to figure him out, but that was the extent of it.

Two weeks passed, and when Christopher began to ask why Buck hadn't been over, Eddie had to take the first step. He nervously asked Buck if he wanted to come over for pizzas and a movie, and his heart lifted when Buck flashed him an easy smile and said, "Sure, that sounds great."

Saturday was the day, but on Friday night Shannon came over for dinner. Eddie made spaghetti and meatballs, ignoring Shannon's light teasing. Buck had given him an easy recipe and showed him what to do, and when he laid out their plates in front of them – complete with garlic bread – she looked suitably impressed.

"I'm not completely terrible," he said, sliding into the seat beside Christopher, who smiled at him. "Buck taught me."

"Ah, the famous Buck," Shannon said with a grin. "I thought I might get to see him tonight."

"Nope."

Christopher pouted, but laughed when Eddie gave him a mock-glare.

Dinner was a success, and he let Shannon put Christopher to bed while he did the dishes and cleaned up. He wandered out to the living room, checking his phone, and right at the top of his Instagram feed was an absolute gut-puncher of a picture. Buck and Abby, out at some fancy restaurant together, smiling for the camera in the first picture, and all loved up and mooning at each other in the second. He flicked back and forth between the pictures for longer than was necessary, a lump in his throat.

"Damn, you've got it bad," Shannon said, leaning over his shoulder. "Let me see."

He passed her the phone, and she let out a low whistle. "Things are looking serious. I thought for sure they'd break up after the dinner party."

"I did too," he confessed unhappily. "Instead Buck and I had a fight and now things are all weird."

"Because of his totally shameless behaviour at the dinner party where he nearly lost his shit any time someone suggested you date? Especially when Josh was telling you about Grindr – I thought steam was going to come out of his ears." Shannon took the seat beside him, whipped a hair tie off her wrist and began to pull her hair back into a ponytail.

"Not just that. I talked to Abby one-on-one – she was upset about him spending so much time with me and asked that I take a step back, so I have."

Shannon's eyebrows lifted. "She asked you that? Wow."

"Well, she wasn't wrong. I feel like shit. I feel like we've been having an affair or something, like… he's cheating on her with me. The way she was looking at me, like I'm a threat… god, Shan, I never wanted to be in this position. I told him he can't have us both; that he just needs to be with her. I guess he listened to me." His voice was hollow. The stupid thing was that he missed Buck – missed their easy friendship. He was the one who'd established boundaries, and sometimes, late at night, he had to physically hold himself back from calling Buck and telling him that he'd made a mistake.

Shannon was gazing at him knowingly – she missed nothing. "So you're miserable," she said. "You know you could save yourself a lot of heartache if you'd just tell him the truth."

"And what's the truth, exactly?"

She smacked his leg with an open palm. "Dump the bitch and be with me," she said emphatically. "Eddie!"

He managed a bitter laugh. "Yeah, that'd make me look great."

"He is so gone for you," she groaned. "That whole dinner party, he couldn't stop staring at you. I don't know what it is that he thinks he's doing – I don't know why he's even torn about this. I feel like I want to call him up and slap some sense into him."

"He's an adult; he needs to figure his shit out himself." Eddie glanced at her uncertainly. "It's just… I like him so much, and I need to just… let it go because… there's no future with him. He can do better than me anyway."

"What?" she asked incredulously.

"Well, you told him, didn't you? That I push people away. He deserves someone who won't do that to him. I know I'm emotionally constipated; I know I'm a grump. I know all my flaws," he said unhappily. "Buck deserves someone way better than me, and obviously, it's her."

Shannon cupped his face with both hands. "Listen to me," she said seriously. "I like to think I know you pretty well. I've known you for a lot longer than Buck. I didn't tell him that you push people away, but maybe that's what he heard. I told him that you have always been the kind of person who would do anything for anyone, but you are terrible at taking your own advice. You are selfless to a fault, which is why you're in this mess. You could've been selfish for once and said, _Buck, I like you and I want to be your boyfriend_ , but no – you threw yourself on your sword under some misguided attempt at doing the right thing, and now you're both miserable."

"He's not—"

"He _is_ ," she said emphatically, and gave him a hard shake. "What are you doing? That boy is hopelessly in love with you – do you not see it?"

"She told me that they were going to get married!"

"She's delusional and she doesn't know him at all," Shannon said with disgust, grabbing Eddie's phone. "Open Instagram again, let's look at the pictures together and I'll tell you exactly what's going on."

He reluctantly unlocked his phone and handed it over. Shannon wasted no time opening Buck's profile on the app and scrolling through his pictures. "Okay, let me tell you what I'm looking at here, as a mostly straight woman."

"Please do."

"This is a guy who loves his friends and his job – he loves posting work-out selfies, preferably shirtless, preferably with bulging arm muscles," she said, sitting cross-legged behind him, pulling her hair back off her face. "There are also some pictures of you and Christopher on here – if I didn't know the situation, and I was looking through this, I might think there was something going on between you guys but it wouldn't be completely obvious, if you know what I'm saying."

He sighed. "Okay."

"Because look at this photo of you," she said, holding out his phone – Buck had taken a photo of him on the beach, caught mid-laugh as the sunset cast an orange glow on his face.

He cringed. "I look stupid."

"Are you kidding me? You look gorgeous. He's caught you in a totally candid, pure, happy moment," she replied, examining the picture again. "Guys don't post pictures like this of their friends. Guys don't take pictures like this. I bet he looks at this one all the time. It's a great picture."

He made a face, shaking his head. "That's just Buck though… it doesn't mean anything."

She gave him an affectionate – but pitying – look. "When you and I were together, my Instagram was full of pictures of Christopher and you and I together," she said quietly, scrolling slowly through the photos. "All my friends with partners – it's the same thing, tons of photos of them with their significant other. Buck has… like, three photos with Abby? If that? And none of them are candid – but then, if you look at her feed, over the last few months there are a ton of pictures of Buck."

"Oh great," he said, rolling his eyes.

"No, listen," she said, holding out the phone so he could see. "It's like she's overcompensating. Look at the captions – emojis, hearts, flowers, pet names – the works. And he's got three photos of her on his profile."

"He's a guy," Eddie said flatly.

"He's _Buck._ I don't know him very well, but I can tell he's passionate about the things he loves, which means this feed should be a mirror image of hers, and it's not," she said patiently. "There are more pictures of you and Christopher on here than of his girlfriend – if I was his girlfriend, I would be a little miffed."

"Maybe Abby's cooler than you."

She gave him a playful shove. "You know what I'm saying, right?"

He sighed. "You think that… she's more into it than he is."

"Yes, but also, I think hers is a performance. It's overkill," she said. "It feels false to me. I think there's something else going on behind the scenes."

"Well, Sherlock Holmes, why don't we put you on the case?" he teased, and she grinned at him.

"So you want me to strike up a friendship with Abby, slowly over time lower her defences until she's telling me all her secrets?"

"Yeah."

"Or I could just ask Carla," she pointed out. "They're friends, aren't they?"

"Carla's too loyal."

"Oh that's nonsense, she loves you and Christopher. She'd tell you if you asked." Shannon handed his phone back, resting her head on her hand. "Eddie, listen to me. I'm the smartest person you know."

He chuckled. "Okay."

"You have this in-built thing where you put your own happiness aside, and sometimes it's okay to be selfish," she said. "I get the feeling he was lonely before you came along and made him your best friend. He told me how he was threatened by you at first and quickly got over it; he told me how you bonded so quickly and how you let him right into your life. You never do that," she said, and he turned his head away, embarrassed. "So you must really like him."

"I'm in love with him," he murmured.

"I know. The easiest thing, I think, would be for you to just tell him," she said gently.

"It's too late, I think." There was no way he could possibly do that now – Buck and Abby were on a track to marriage. He wasn't going to interfere with that.

Shannon let out a frustrated groan. "It's not! The boy is waiting for you to make a move."

"I don't want to break up a relationship to be with him," he complained. "That's not me."

She gave him a long, contemplative look and then said, "Well, tomorrow isn't promised to anyone. If you love him, tell him."

He walked her out to her car soon after, kissing her on the cheek, making plans to see her the following week. Shannon gave him a hug and gazed up at him with eyes full of emotion, gently touching his cheek before climbing into her car and driving away.

~

The next time he saw her, she was on her back on the road, staring up at the sky with shocked eyes, shaking with fear and pain.

And then she was gone, and he was in an ambulance on the way to a hospital with the body of the woman he'd spent the bulk of his life loving, and he was numb.

At least they had their reconciliation, brief though it was – at least they'd made up, put the past behind them. At least she'd had a few months of being Christopher's mom again.

At least.

It wasn't _enough_ , but… it was better than nothing.

For the first time in months he forgot about Buck. He couldn’t deal with that, as well as Christopher's devastation and his own grief. He just had to put Buck out of his mind and focus on his son. He had to try to be strong for him, to get them through it together.

Buck came to the funeral with Bobby, Chimney and Hen, but other than a cursory nod in their direction, Eddie really didn't have time to speak with them. He was wrapped up in Christopher, who was trying so hard to be brave – but that lower lip of his gave him away, trembling uncontrollably during the service.

Afterwards, Eddie pulled him up into his arms for a hug, ignoring his parents who wanted to take him, and went over to the edge of the grave. He just wanted to be alone – wanted everyone to give them some space so they could say their final goodbye, but his mother kept calling his name, trying to get him to come with them.

Finally, he heard Buck say politely, "Mr and Mrs Diaz? It's nice to meet you; I'm Eddie's work partner, Buck."

And just like that, he guided them away, and gave Eddie and Christopher the space they needed.

~

Buck turned up at his house three days after the funeral. Eddie was still off work, and Christopher was out of school. The days were long, both of them emotional and exhausted. He'd been over to Shannon's apartment to help her friends clean it out – she had no family left; nobody on her side. He let her friends take what they wanted of her possessions – the clothes and shoes – but he took a few things for Christopher as well. A sweater, her yellow dress, her jewellery, and his dog tags, which he found buried at the bottom of her jewellery box. He'd totally forgotten that he'd given them to her.

He donated almost everything else to charity, taking only her important documents, diaries, photographs, and her computer. The diaries he tucked away in a box to give to Christopher one day, not wanting to read them himself. Everything else he sorted through alone, while his parents took Christopher out for the day, to try to distract him.

Buck turned up in the early afternoon, knocking tentatively on the door. Eddie let him in, so fucking relieved to see him, and before Buck could speak, he wrapped him up in a tight hug, burying his face against Buck's neck.

"Hey," Buck murmured gently. "Are you okay?"

"No."

"I've been worried about you."

He nodded. He'd hardly been replying to any of their texts; he was emotionally exhausted. Wrung out.

"Can I help you at all?" Buck asked quietly, casting a hand up and down Eddie's back. "What can I do?"

He wanted to not feel so shitty; to just… feel _something_ other than grief. He clutched Buck, gripping his shirt with both hands, wishing that things were different. That Buck was with _him._ That he could take the comfort he so desperately wanted without compromising their friendship or having anything to feel guilty about.

But Buck simply held him in his arms silently, and somehow that was enough. Just his strong, reassuring touch was enough to give him some strength, and he pulled away first, wiping his eyes, nodding at him gratefully.

"You want to sit and talk?" Buck asked softly.

He nodded.

"You want a beer?"

"Yeah, that'd be great."

"When was the last time you had something to eat?"

He thought back. "Last night."

Buck made a disapproving noise, steering him towards the living room. "Sit. I'll make you something."

Eddie waited on the couch, staring off into space, blinking when a plate was placed in his lap. Buck had made him a sandwich. He was so goddamn grateful for him that all he could do was touch the plate in wonder and try not to cry.

"Eat," Buck ordered, sitting across from him, on top of the coffee table. "No beer until you eat."

Eddie managed a smile, and then took a bite of the sandwich. It was chicken and salad, and it was delicious. He finished the whole thing, and it was only then that Buck handed him a beer. "You think I'm a lightweight," Eddie said to him, and Buck grinned.

"No, but you should put something in your stomach."

He took a swig, wiped his mouth, and said, "How's work?"

"It'll be good when you're back. Tomorrow?"

He nodded. "I need to get out of the house. My parents are here, so they're taking care of Christopher for me. They… asked me to come back to El Paso."

Buck stiffened. "Are you?"

He shook his head. "Not a chance. But Buck… they don't think I can do this on my own. They're questioning me again, saying that Christopher should live with them. I'm… you'd tell me if I was doing a bad job with my son, wouldn't you?"

"Eddie, they're insane," Buck said in a low voice, grasping his knee. "Don't listen to them. I've told you before, you are the best father I've ever met. He's so lucky to have you."

"Really?" he asked, his voice cracking. "I just feel like I can't do anything right."

"Maybe not in their eyes," Buck said, "but to me, you're… incredible, Eddie. And I'm so sorry about Shannon. I really liked her; I'm so sorry."

He nodded, tears burning in his eyes. "She liked you too. I can't believe she's gone. We just got her back and now she's gone. What do I do?"

"I don't have the answer to that. You just gotta keep going. He needs you."

"I'm tired," he admitted, swallowing hard. "I'm tired of grieving already and it's only been a few days."

Buck looked around the house thoughtfully, and then said, "When was the last time you went outside?"

He'd cried on the beach two days earlier, but he kept that to himself. "I had to pack up her stuff yesterday. I went to her apartment."

"I'm talking about _outside._ Just… not doing anything. Just lying on the grass looking at the sky. When?"

"Years," he admitted.

Buck took his hand and pulled him to his feet. "Come on."

They went out to the backyard, and Buck led him to the shady tree in the corner of the yard. He sprawled out on the grass, tugging Eddie down beside him. "Just to get some fresh air," Buck said, hanging onto his hand, "and to breathe for a bit. You don't have to talk. Just sit here with me."

So he did, and he thought about how much he loved him – was hopelessly in love with him by now, falling deeper every day. Buck was on his back on the grass, his hands tucked under his head, gazing up at the sky. Eddie wondered how his mere presence made him feel so much better, and suddenly, without warning, a sob burst out from deep inside and he buried his head in his hands.

"Eddie," Buck said with surprise, sitting up again. "Hey."

He couldn't talk, shaking his head, trying to suppress everything and push it back down deep inside, but Buck slipped an arm around his shoulders and another sob exploded out of him.

Buck shifted closer to him. "You can let it out," he whispered. "I'm right here; I'm not going anywhere. It's just you and me."

He shook his head rapidly, one hand clenched over his mouth, the other over his eyes, his shoulders hunched. Buck was surrounding him, holding him firmly, and suddenly Eddie couldn't hold it anymore and let go, weeping, reaching out to clutch Buck's shirt and pull him in for a hug.

"I got you," Buck said in his ear, both arms wrapped around him. "I've got you, Eds."

He did, and he didn't, because he'd go home to Abby and leave Eddie alone and miserable, in a house that was too quiet with his son who was devastated.

The words were out of his mouth before he could stop them. "Please don't leave me."

"I won't," Buck said solemnly. "I never would."

"Stay."

"I will, Eds. I'll stay here with you."

Time passed, but he had no concept of it until the sun was setting, and Buck was moving, pulling him upright and leading him inside. They ended up in his bedroom, and he began to complain as Buck pulled the covers down. "I have so much to do—"

"When your parents drop Christopher off, I'll take care of him," Buck said, turning to face Eddie. "You're going to get some sleep because you're back at work tomorrow, and I can see how tired you are. I'll get you some sweats, and you can go to sleep knowing that Christopher is in good hands."

"And you won't steal him away from me," Eddie muttered, slowly unbuttoning his flannel shirt.

"I have no reason to." Buck flicked on the air-conditioning and dimmed the lights. "Are you hungry? Do you want something to eat before you sleep?"

He shook his head. "No."

"No midnight snacks? You want me to leave a sandwich in the fridge for you?"

He met Buck's eyes then, on the verge of tears again. A midnight sandwich would be nice, so he murmured, "Okay."

Buck gave him a small, sad smile, and pulled him in for a hug. They swayed back and forth silently, Buck's hand sliding up and down his back reassuringly.

A sudden commotion from out in the living room made them break apart, but Buck paused long enough to press a lingering kiss to Eddie's forehead. "Stay," he said quietly, gesturing to the bed. "I'll take care of everything."

~

Eddie had no idea what he _did,_ as he fell asleep almost as soon as his head hit the pillow. It was after midnight when he awoke with a start, sitting up in bed, looking around the room wildly, but he was alone, and the only sound in the room was the hum of the air-conditioner.

He wandered out to the bathroom and then to check on Christopher, who was asleep on his back, a teddy tucked under one arm. He didn't usually sleep with one, but he guessed Buck had something to do with that. He watched him sleep for a few minutes, kneeling beside the bed, trying not to cry again.

Buck was asleep on the couch – he could see his feet dangling off the end. Eddie found a sandwich on a plate in the fridge and devoured it, downing a glass of water, and then went over to the couch. Buck was awake, blinking sleepily at him. "Hey."

"Hey," Eddie whispered, grabbing his hand. "Come on. It's too small; come with me."

Buck didn't protest. He stood and followed Eddie down to the bedroom, watching as Eddie climbed back in on his side and gestured to the bed. Buck hesitated for a second longer, before tiredness won out, and he went around to the other side of the bed and sat down.

Eddie slid under the covers again, holding them up so Buck could slide in as well. One of Buck's arms went around his shoulders, and he turned on his side, resting his head on Buck's shoulder.

"My parents?"

"Surprised, but okay in the end. They mentioned El Paso, so I spent some time talking about how wonderful you are at your job and how much everyone loves you. I don't think it made any difference."

Eddie sighed. "They're staying until my graduation party."

"Yeah, I know. Your mother was talking about how she'd looked into the fire stations in El Paso and she thought it would be a good fit for you." Buck's hand snaked up his back, and then he pushed his fingers through Eddie's hair and lightly scratched his scalp. Eddie practically purred, pulling him closer. "You shouldn't leave, you know," Buck murmured. "This is the best department in the country. You have friends here… your family. Me."

"I don't have you."

"You could, if you asked."

Eddie looked up at him. He could hardly see Buck's eyes in the darkness, so he couldn't tell if he was serious or not. "She told me she wanted to get married."

Buck paused – he even stopped scratching Eddie's head, and Eddie held his breath. Finally, he said, "We talked about it."

"You love her."

"I don't know anymore, Eddie… I don't know what I want."

"You should just be with her," he heard himself say, but clung to Buck as though he was drowning. If this was all he was ever going to get, then he was going to milk it.

Buck said in a low voice, "You are incapable of admitting what you want, so I'm going to have to do it, aren't I? I know you want to be with me. I see you looking at me when you think I'm not paying attention; I see the way your face falls every time I mention her name. I see how you've pulled away from everyone – they've noticed, by the way. I didn't know at the time, but I know _now_ that you're not the kind of person to just dive into something if you aren't sure of the outcome, and when we hooked up, you thought it might lead somewhere. Shannon told me that you put other people before yourself, that you always put your happiness last because you don't think you deserve it."

On the verge of tears again, he buried his face against Buck's neck.

"You told me that I was too good for you – Eddie, I'm not," he said with a bitter laugh. "I'm a fucking mess. I'm… god, where do I even start? I was pissed at you for letting me go, for one, because I hate being abandoned and it felt like you were pushing me away. You let me into your life so easily and it felt so right – just being in your house feels right, I don't know how to explain it – and then you pulled the rug out from under me and things haven't been the same since. I think I might've fallen in love at first sight," he admitted, "and now everything is a total mess."

They were silent. Tears were leaking out of Eddie's eyes, dampening Buck's shirt, but if he noticed he didn't say anything.

"You need to tell me," Buck said finally. "You have to tell me what you want, but I'm not going to ask you to do it tonight when you're filled with grief – it's not fair to you. You need some time to grieve and I'm going to give you space, and I'm going to figure my own shit out as well, and maybe… we'll be on the same page."

He nodded. "Okay."

"Okay." Buck scratched his scalp again, letting out a sigh. "By the way, did you know how firm your bed is? Jesus Christ, Diaz."

He snorted out a laugh. "Is it? It was cheap."

"Yeah, I can tell," Buck complained, turning on his side, but pulling Eddie in so his head was tucked under his chin. "If my back is sore in the morning, I'm blaming it on you."

"Deal," Eddie murmured, already on the verge of sleep.

~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about Shannon, guys. My bad.


	7. Chapter 7

Five days later, Buck was trapped under an overturned ladder truck, blood smearing his face, and Eddie's heart was in his throat. His hoarse screams ripped through Eddie's soul as they hauled him out from underneath, but he barely made a sound afterwards, his head lolling to the side as they carried him to the ambulance.

At the hospital, Eddie was numb. Carla was beside him, holding his hand, and Hen was on his other side. Chimney was comforting Maddie; Athena was comforting Bobby and Abby was sitting by herself, chewing on her thumbnail, staring at the floor, her long hair framing her face.

They'd been waiting for over an hour, and he'd had enough. He stood, running his hands through his hair, and left the room, heading out onto the street to get some air. He couldn't breathe; he needed oxygen. He needed to be in his backyard with Buck by his side, not here, in the same fucking hospital he'd said goodbye to Shannon in only a week ago.

He wanted to scream; he was so fucking angry. The universe was playing a cruel joke on him, and if Christopher was next, he was going to lose his fucking mind.

"Eddie," a familiar voice said from behind him, hesitantly, and he turned around to find Abby trailing after him nervously. "Can we talk?"

He bit back a frustrated sigh and shoved his hands in his pockets. "Yep."

She noticeably swallowed, pushing her hair off her face, and said, "I'm so sorry about Shannon."

He nodded stiffly, wrestling with his emotions. "Thank you."

"And I'm sorry for what I said to you at the hospital."

"You don't have to be. It's fine."

"It's not fine. I've felt awful about it ever since, and I realise that… again, I'm talking to you at a hospital," she said, on the verge of tears, "but I just needed to apologise. I was feeling very insecure about my relationship and I thought you were the problem… I thought something was going on between you two, but now I feel like… maybe I put a wedge between you and I shouldn't have."

He couldn’t handle this shit, not with Buck in surgery with a crushed leg. Not after spending an interminable amount of time watching Buck writhe in agony beneath a fire truck – he didn't care about Abby's feelings, not at all. "It's really fine," he said sharply, and she took a step back, her eyes widening. "I'm sorry. It's been a hell of a night, coming off a bad couple of weeks. You have nothing to apologise for. Go back inside and wait for Buck."

"Aren't you going to…"

"I just need some air. I watched my best friend nearly die tonight and I just need some space," he said bluntly, and a fleeting look of horror crossed her face. "So we're good, Abby. We're good."

With that, he strode away from the building, agitated, hands clenched into fists. He found a bar and went inside, ordered a beer and a shot of whiskey, and ensconced himself in a booth in the back, downing the shot first. Something to take the edge off.

Buck had nearly died. He'd seen the explosion in the rear-view mirror; he'd seen their colleagues laying injured and broken near the overturned ladder truck, and he'd seen _Buck_ , trapped… looking around, blood dripping down his face, waiting for rescue.

First Shannon, lying on the road, and then Buck.

Jesus Christ. He picked up the beer with a trembling hand and took a sip, trying not to cry. He had to push it all down. He just had to.

The bar was where Bobby found him, sliding into the seat across from him, worry all over his face. Eddie felt momentarily guilty, but he'd only had the shot and one-and-a-half beers, so he wasn't drunk.

"He's out of surgery," Bobby said quietly. "He'll be able to walk again, after some physical therapy. They were able to save his leg."

Eddie breathed a sigh of relief, pressing both hands to his forehead. "Thank god."

Bobby nodded. "Are you okay?"

"I don't know. Honestly, I don't know. I watched my ex-wife die last week and tonight I watched my best friend almost die, so… I've been better." He couldn't keep the tremor from his voice.

"What can I do to help?" Bobby asked with concern.

"I just need to deal with it on my own, Cap," he said quietly. "I'll be okay."

"Will you?" Bobby asked, nodding to the empty glasses in front of him. "Don't drown your sorrows in alcohol, Eddie. It's not the answer, and you know it."

"I know. I just… needed to take the edge off."

"That's how it starts. Don't depend on it. We've all been concerned about you, you know… even before Shannon. Is there something else going on with you? How's Christopher?"

"He's fine, Cap. I'm just dealing with some stuff at the moment, that's all," he said, swallowing the last of his beer. "It's been rough."

"Trouble with your family?" Bobby pressed.

He shook his head. "No, just… other stuff."

He nodded, but concern was still written all over his face. "I might be your captain but I'm also your friend, if you ever want to talk to me. I don't want you to struggle alone. We can make an appointment for you to see a therapist—"

"No." Eddie closed in on himself, shaking his head. "No, I don't want therapy."

"A priest?"

"Absolutely not."

Bobby was silent for a moment, studying Eddie. He finally said, "I know you went through a traumatic experience in Afghanistan and if you are struggling, there are resources that can help you."

"It's not that," he said, shaking his head. "I've been through therapy before and I hated it… Honestly, Cap, it's just something I need to work out for myself. Shannon just passed away, and now Buck's been hurt… a lot has happened and I'm just trying to process it."

"I know you and Buck were close to begin with, but things have seemed strained lately," Bobby said carefully. "Did you guys have a falling out?"

"No, not at all. It's nothing like that. Honestly, Cap, you really don't need to worry about me – I'm okay."

Bobby clearly did not believe him, and they held eye contact for an uncomfortable length of time. Eddie finally couldn't stand it anymore and looked away.

"Okay," Bobby finally said. "Come on. We better get back to the hospital."

~

Buck was awake when Eddie stepped into the room. Maddie, Abby and Carla were in with him, and he felt too awkward to stay long, though Buck stared at him with huge, terrified eyes, his hands flexing against the sheets, as though he wanted to reach out and was forcing himself not to.

Eddie promised to bring Christopher for a visit first thing in the morning, and he saw a tear slip down Buck's cheek before he quickly brushed it away.

"I'll drive you home," Carla said to Eddie, picking up a purse. "Get some sleep tonight, Buckaroo."

"Bye," he said hoarsely. He and Eddie locked eyes one last time before Eddie left the room.

He was silent in the car, staring out the window. The memory of Buck trapped under the truck was seared into his brain – he couldn't escape it. He was going to have to take something to help him sleep, just to get through the night.

"Are you okay?" Carla asked him in a low voice.

He nodded, though his eyes were full of tears.

"I know how much he means to you. It's okay to be upset."

"You have no idea how much he means to me," he heard himself say, and she glanced at him sharply.

"He's your best friend."

"I'm in love with him." He said it without really thinking.

Carla pulled to a stop at a traffic light. "In love," she clarified. "As in, you want to be with him?"

"Yep."

"Oh, Eddie." Carla's voice was quiet. "That explains so much."

He shrugged.

"What are you going to do?"

"Die alone and in misery."

"Oh, Eddie. Eddie," she groaned, hitting her hands on the steering wheel. "Have you told him?"

"He knows, I think… he wants me to make the first move, but… I don't want to be the person who breaks them up. I don't want to do that; it's not right," he said vehemently.

"But you're not giving Buck all the information, and it's not breaking them up for you to tell him how you feel definitively. It's a little arrogant to think you will break them up."

Was it? "Oh."

Carla glanced at him quickly, furrowing her brow. "Eddie, I didn't mean it like that. I don't think you are arrogant; I think your worries are valid. Nobody wants to be the other person."

"I know how much she loves him."

Carla made a disapproving noise, shaking her head. "It's not love."

"But… she told me they were talking about marriage."

Luckily, they were pulling up to another red light, because as soon as the car was stopped, Carla wheeled around to face him, her eyebrows raised. "That's what she told you?"

"When Chim was in hospital," he said helplessly.

"Eddie, there's more chance of aliens on the moon than there is of those two getting married."

"What?"

"She's not happy; he's not happy," Carla said. "They fight all the time – big fights, where one of them walks out, threatens to break-up, and then they apologise and over-compensate, which works for a while, before another fight. When she was in Europe, she met a guy, and she was going to stay to be with him. His name was Sam, and they really hit it off, but then she found out he was still married. She came back to LA to the guy she left behind, because… Buck's _Buck_. He's faithful and loyal to a fault, and she knew he'd be waiting when she came back. And he was."

Eddie's lips trembled. "He was… we… we'd only just begun when she came back, and… I let him go. I shouldn't have."

"I understand why you did."

"Yeah, but now I find out he's just her fallback? He's not _my_ fallback," he said bitterly. "I'm in love with him. He's the best person I've ever met in my entire life… and he's just her second choice? Because she doesn't want to be alone? God damn it. He deserves so much more than that. Christopher and I – we love him."

"I know," she said, as the light changed to green. "But this thing will play itself out. If you don't want to break them up, then you just need to be patient."

"And then I'm the fucking rebound," he muttered.

"Buck's not like that, and you know it."

"I shouldn't have let him go." He pressed his hand to his lips, staring out the window at the lights flashing by. "I just thought… he deserved better than me, and that he loved her. He waited for her to come back for months, and we'd only just met."

"You can't argue with chemistry, and you two have it," she replied, reaching out to take his free hand. "And you are a lovely man, Eddie. Buck would be lucky to be with you."

"I just don't believe that."

"That self-esteem of yours is a problem that you're going to need to work on, because I'm telling you that Buck is not the sort of person to waste his time on those who aren't deserving of his attention, and you are definitely deserving of Buck," she said firmly. "Do I have to step in and make this happen?"

He managed a laugh, shaking his head. "No. I'll figure it out."

"You better." Carla arched her eyebrows at him. "But maybe taken some time for yourself now, okay? Shannon's only just passed, and you're in a vulnerable state right now. Buck's not well. Just… take things slowly and don't rush. Everything will be okay."

"I hope you're right."

"I almost always am," she replied confidently.

~

Buck was alone when they arrived at about 10am, Eddie following Christopher into the room. His eyes lit up and then almost immediately filled with tears.

"How many tubes are you hooked up to?" Eddie asked Buck, who swallowed hard, looking down at himself. "You want a hug from your best friend?"

"Yes, please," he said hoarsely, holding his arms out.

Eddie helped Christopher onto the bed, carefully bypassing the tubes connected to Buck. Christopher rested his head on Buck's shoulder and sniffled.

"Oh, it's okay," Buck murmured. "I'm okay. I'll be all right."

Eddie dragged a chair over to the other side of the bed, where Buck's left arm was connected to an IV. He took Buck's hand carefully, and when Buck glanced over at him, he leaned over and pressed his lips to the back of his hand lightly.

"Oh you guys," Buck murmured, on the verge of tears. "I'm gonna miss our movie night."

Eddie managed a smile. "Priorities. _Beetlejuice_ can wait until you're better."

"Can it, though?"

"Yeah, you've waited your whole life to see it - you can wait a little longer. How are you feeling?"

Buck was quiet for a moment, and then admitted, "I'm in a lot of pain."

"Have they given you something for it this morning?"

He shook his head. "I'm still waiting."

Eddie gestured to the remote hanging from the bed. "Do you want me to call the nurse?"

"No, because it puts me to sleep, and… Abby said she would be here at eleven, to talk… so I need to be clear."

"Buck," Christopher whispered. "Are you going to walk again?"

"Yeah, I am," Buck said reassuringly. "I definitely am."

"Are you going to be a firefighter again?"

"Yep. Definitely."

Eddie wasn't as confident about that. Buck had sustained a serious crush injury to his leg that would take months of rehabilitation and possibly further surgeries. He was going to be off work for a long time, maybe longer than he was anticipating. He may never return to full health, and Eddie wasn't sure how he would cope with that.

But he would be there, no matter what. Every step of the way. That was certain.

Buck was gazing at him, with eyes full of sorrow. "Eddie," he whispered. "What if…"

"Don't," he said firmly. "I'll help you with rehab. I'm here for you, okay? You just tell me what you need. Where are you going to stay when they let you go home?"

"Um, I was going to ask Abby… because her place is one level."

He nodded. "Good idea."

Buck glanced at Christopher, who was listening silently. "I'm really sorry, Eddie," Buck murmured. "For making you come to a hospital again. For putting you guys through this. It's not fair."

"It's not your fault," Eddie reassured him. "We want to be here – don't we, Chris?"

Christopher nodded, patting Buck's chest. "Yup."

Buck smiled with relief. "Okay."

"When they let you out, I'll pick you up and bring you to our place, so we can have a movie night. We're not letting your movie education suffer because of this slight setback," Eddie said firmly.

Buck nodded and managed to smile. "Okay," he said again. "Whatever you want."

Eddie kissed the back of his hand again, unable to stop himself, and Buck gazed at him with watery eyes. "Sorry I didn't stay last night," he said quietly. "I thought… you had Maddie and Abby there, so…"

"And you had to get home."

"Yeah, but… I didn't want to impose."

"You can impose all you want, any time you want," Buck said quietly. "You've got my back. I need you."

Eddie nodded. "Okay."

"It's not an imposition when it comes to you, Eds. Not at all." Buck squeezed his hand tightly, his face screwed up with pain.

Eddie said, "Okay, you need to take something. I'm calling the nurse."

"No, I need to be clear," he said through gritted teeth.

"No, you need pain relief. Whatever you need to talk to Abby about, it can wait," he said, as the door opened and the woman herself stepped into the room, holding a bouquet of flowers.

She stopped abruptly, like a deer in headlights, her eyes flicking from Buck to Eddie to Christopher, to the way Eddie was holding Buck's hand. Something in her expression pulled tight. "I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't know you'd be here. Am I interrupting?"

"No, we're about to go," Eddie replied, releasing Buck's hand, ignoring the fleeting hurt that flashed across his face. "We'll come back tomorrow, Buck. Is that okay? I've got a shift tonight."

"You don't have to leave," Abby said from the doorway, but there was something in her tone that said otherwise.

"Dad," Christopher protested, clinging to Buck, on the verge of tears. "Dad, please. Can we stay longer?"

Buck's eyes were watery. He gave Christopher a lopsided hug and a kiss on the cheek and said hoarsely, "I'll see you tomorrow, buddy. I'm okay; I promise."

Christopher groaned in complaint as Eddie helped him up and off the bed, and wrapped around him like a koala, his chin on Eddie's shoulder, sniffling loudly. Eddie turned his back on Abby, squeezing Buck's hand again, raising his eyebrows at him. "You've got your phone; you call me if you need anything, okay? I've got a key to your place. I can stop by and pick up anything you want."

"Okay," Buck agreed softly.

"And I'll text you and find out how you're going later today," he said, as Buck clung to his hand. "Take it easy and get some rest."

"Okay," Buck said again, his voice trembling. "I'll see you guys tomorrow."

Eddie flashed him what he hoped was a reassuring smile, collected Christopher's crutches, and headed to the door. Abby stepped to the side, one arm crossed over her stomach, and they made fleeting eye contact as he passed by. He couldn't stay there in that room with her and pretend that everything was fine; that he and Buck were just friends. They weren't _just friends._ He had no intentions of playing games - he just needed to get himself away from that situation as quickly and as painlessly as he could.

~

He visited the hospital every single day, until Buck was released two days before the ceremony marking the end of his probation. He arrived at the ceremony with Maddie and Abby, and they managed an awkward hug before Eddie was wrapped up with his family again.

It was later that afternoon, once Christopher was in his room, that Eddie sat down with his parents and said firmly, "We're not coming back to El Paso. I'd like you to stop asking me."

His parents exchanged a look. "But Christopher—"

"Christopher is enrolled in an excellent school. He has a lot of friends and he's doing really well," Eddie cut in. "Yes, we've had a setback, with Shannon… but we're going to get through it. I have a great job here and people I care about, someone I lo— uh, care about," he clarified, though his mother picked up on it, and her eyebrows flew up. "If there ever comes a time that I think it's in our best interest to move back to El Paso, I'll tell you, but don't ask me again. Our home is here."

"You're in love with someone," his mother said, leaning forward. "You met a woman? You're dating, so soon after Shannon—"

"Shannon and I weren't together when she died. We were in the process of divorcing," he replied. "And… yes, I've met someone that I'm interested in."

"Christopher has met this woman," his father said. "Yes?"

"Yes."

"We'd like to meet her too."

Eddie shook his head. "No, not yet."

"I'm delighted you've met someone," his mother said, smiling at him encouragingly. "We really would love to meet her before we go home."

"No." He gave a stiff smile. "Later, you will. Not now."

"Eddie, we want to be a part of your life and we feel like you're pulling away from us," she said. "Christopher needs us in his life as well, you know."

"You are in his life. You don't need to have any input into my love life," he said emphatically. "I'll introduce you when I'm ready, and not before."

"She's Latina, yes?" his father asked hopefully.

"No, not that you should be bothered by that," he replied, gesturing to them. "Mom's not Latina."

"We just thought a Latina woman might be a good match for you," his mother said gently. "I know quite a few lovely women—"

"No." Eddie tried to smile. "No, thank you. So that's it, okay? I'll order us some dinner." He stood, wiping his sweaty hands on his jeans, and went to retrieve his phone from the kitchen bench. "What do you feel like?"

"Pizza is fine," his father replied.

Eddie lingered in the kitchen – they were whispering about him. From the doorway he could see them leaned in close together, conferring quietly, and when he wandered back out to join them, they parted.

"It was good to see your friend today," his father said, as Eddie sat down in the vacant armchair. "The one who was injured. He seemed to be in good spirits."

"The woman he was with – the blonde – was that… his girlfriend? Or his mother?"

Eddie bit back an evil snicker, glancing up at his mother. "His girlfriend."

"Oh." His mother made a face at his father. "She's… older. Much older."

"Yep."

"We were chatting to him for a bit. He had a lot of lovely things to say about you and Christopher – it seems like you've made a good friend here," his father commented. "That's nice to see, Eddie."

"Yeah, Buck's great," he replied casually, placing an order for their dinner. "Okay. Pizzas are on the way."

~

Eddie was at work a few days later, eating a bowl of cereal at the table, when he heard Hen and Chimney arguing as they climbed the stairs together.

"I'm just saying, do you think it's weird that she took him home with her and now he's back at the loft?" Hen asked pointedly. "Because I think she broke up with him."

Eddie lifted his head, a spoonful of cereal halfway to his mouth.

"Maddie says they're still together," Chimney replied, leading Hen over to the table.

"Then why isn't he staying at his girlfriend's place?" Hen demanded. "I hate to think of him alone in his apartment – how would he be climbing the stairs? On his butt?"

"He's sleeping on the couch, Maddie said," Chimney replied patiently, making a beeline for the coffee machine. "Morning, Eddie."

"What's going on?" he asked them, unable to hide his interest. "I was messaging Buck last night and he didn't tell me any of this."

"He didn't tell anyone except Maddie, who told Chim, who told me not three minutes ago," Hen replied, her hands on her hips. "Why isn't Buck staying at Abby's?"

"If I tell you, you're going to be mad," Chimney murdered.

"Mad? I'm not the one who doesn't like her – that's Maddie," Hen retorted.

"And Karen, and Athena—"

"And Athena what?" a sharp voice came from the stairs. Athena was ascending, in full uniform, one hand on her hip. "What are you three gossiping about?"

Eddie sighed, dying to know the answer, but determined not to ask too many questions himself. He watched as Bobby followed Athena up to the balcony, a concerned expression on his face.

"Okay, now that everyone's present," Chimney muttered, pouring himself a cup of coffee, "Buck has moved from Abby's apartment to his loft where he is currently holed up, and he didn't want any of us to know."

"They broke up," Athena said knowingly.

"No, they didn't." Chimney turned to face them, slurping his coffee. "As I understand it, and I think some information has been omitted by Buckaroo – Abby had a visceral emotional reaction to needing to take care of someone in her apartment again, after she looked after her mother for years, and they decided together that Buck was well enough to return to his loft."

Eddie dropped the spoon into the cereal bowl with a clang, and everyone looked at him. "Sorry. Sorry, but that's fucked up."

"Eddie," Hen said, surprised.

"No, come on. That's her boyfriend," he said angrily. "She told me she wanted to marry him, and now he's been hurt, and she can't suck it up and look after him? That's fucking nuts."

Athena raised her eyebrows, exchanging a look with Bobby.

"Buck's a big boy," Chimney said with a shrug. "It's his relationship, he can handle it."

"He also never says no to anyone, ever," Eddie practically spat, "so of course he would've gone along with this. How the hell is he managing on his own?"

"He's not," Chimney said bluntly. "He called Maddie in tears last night. She didn't want me to know."

At that he nearly pushed his chair out and stood – he had to fight the urge, biting down hard on his lower lip. Every fibre of his body was screaming at him to race to Buck's apartment to see if he was okay, but he had a full day of work ahead of him.

"Well, I'm not happy about this," Bobby said, his hands on his hips. "There's talk of him needing further surgeries and I don't think he should be on his own. Chim, maybe you and Hen—"

"I'll go," Eddie said without thinking, rising to his feet. "I can do it. I'll check on him."

Bobby paused, assessing Eddie with narrowed eyes. "Are you sure? I don't want you to take on more than you can – it's only been a few weeks."

"He's my best friend," he said, trying to keep the urgency from his voice. "And if he came to our house, we have a shower chair and grab rails in the bathroom… Christopher would love to have him there. I'll work an extra shift, Cap, but I could… take today and get him set up with us, if he wants to."

He ignored the knowing look Athena gave to Hen, and kept his eyes on Bobby, who finally nodded. "Go on. We'll figure it out."

They would gossip, of that he was sure, but it didn't matter. Buck had just survived an incredibly traumatic event, and after having been through one of his own, it was important that he wasn't alone.

~

Eddie had a key to Buck's apartment, but he knocked first. He could hear crutches clacking on the floor, and it sounded like Buck fumbled with the handle before finally managing to pull the door open. "Eds," he said with surprise. "What are you doing here? You're not working?"

"Uh, no, I had the day off," he replied. "Can I come in?"

Buck hesitated. "It's a mess."

"Well, I don't have to pick Christopher up until three, so I could come in and clean up for you, if you want."

"No, I'm good." Buck was leaning against the door, blocking the view of the apartment with his body. "Why are you here?"

"I came to check on you. I heard that you were back in the loft and I was worried," he replied.

"You don't have to be; I'm fine." Buck wouldn't meet his eyes.

He regretted knocking – he should've just barged in. "What's going on?" he demanded. "Chim says that Abby kicked you out."

"She didn't kick me out," Buck snapped. "I chose to leave. She was upset."

"Oh right, your girlfriend can't even take care of you when you've been blown up," he said with disgust.

"You have no idea – she took care of her mother for years. I can't ask her to take care of me too!"

"It's a different fucking thing," Eddie retorted. "You aren't slowly dying – you were hurt, and you need help and to sleep in a bed, not on a couch!"

"Well, I don't see you offering," Buck muttered, and closed the door in his face.

_Stubborn motherfucker._

He was going to leave – he was walking down the hall – but then he remembered the key in his pocket, and how angry he was that Buck was on his own, and how Buck had provided him comfort when he needed it the most, and thought, _fuck it._

He strode back down to the apartment, unlocked the door, and let himself in. Buck was leaning on the kitchen counter, his shoulders hunched, and when Eddie stepped inside, he gave him a haunted look. The apartment was a mess. Takeaway containers littered the counters; the couch was a nest of blankets and pillows, and clothes were strewn all over the floor. The downstairs bathroom had water all over the floor and a plastic bag balled up in a corner of the shower.

There was a half-drunk bottle of beer on the kitchen counter, and more bottles in the bin. Buck wasn't supposed to be drinking on his painkillers, so the first thing Eddie did was snatch the bottle and empty it into the sink.

"Eddie," Buck snapped. "Get out!"

"No." He looked around, his hands on his hips, surveying the damage. "Go sit down. If you're not going to leave, I'll clean the place up and put on some washing for you."

"Eddie."

"If you're not going to take care of yourself," he said sharply, "I will do it for you. Sit the fuck down and put your leg up."

"I don't need your help!" Buck hissed, on the verge of tears.

He shrugged, turning on the tap at the sink. "Well, you're getting it, so suck it up, sunshine."

"Did you leave work to come here—"

"Yeah, I did, because my best friend was blown up last week and now he's on his own, and if no one else is going to be here, I will," he replied defiantly. "And yeah, I'm still grieving, and no, Christopher and I aren't doing that well, but we're not going to lose you either, so do as I say or I will go to the school, get my son, bring him here and unleash the full force of his radiant personality on you to make you feel guilty for treating me like shit."

He had his back to him, but he heard Buck's breath hitch, and then a sniffle. "Okay."

"Good." Eddie filled up the sink with hot water, and then began to search the apartment for dirty dishes, of which there were plenty. Buck lay on the couch with his leg up on a pillow, tears running down his face. As much as it pained him to do so, Eddie ignored him, and methodically began to clean.

~

By lunchtime, the loft was spotless. Buck had nothing in his fridge, so Eddie ordered in some food, and then joined Buck in the living room, taking a seat on the coffee table. Buck was still on his back on the couch, his arms folded across his chest, eyes trained on the ceiling.

"So I'm offering," he said after a long silence. "You can come and stay with us. I bought a new mattress."

Buck's brow furrowed, and he glanced at him. "You did?"

"Yeah, well, you said the other one was shit, so… Christopher and I went to pick out a new one. It has pillow-top… it's actually really nice," he admitted. "I don't know why I didn't just go for it in the first place."

"You're cheap."

"Yeah, I am, but we were on a shoestring budget at the time. Why are you pissed at me?"

Buck sighed. "I'm not."

"The last time I saw you, you were about to go home with her," he pointed out, "and today you won't let me in."

"I didn't want you to come in here and… berate me for not taking care of myself. Maddie and I had a fight on the phone, and Abby…" Buck trailed off. "It was awful, but I can't talk to you about it, because of everything going on with us, and…"

"You can talk to me about it."

"No, I can't. We had this argument, right? You don't want to hear about it."

Eddie gave him a long look. "Just tell me what happened."

Buck shrugged. "We broke up. That's what happened. What more do you need to know?"

"She broke up with you," Eddie guessed.

"It was mutual."

Buck was lying – absolutely, one hundred percent lying. Eddie knew him better than anyone, and he also knew when not to push the issue. He nodded, looking around the loft, and said, "You could've just told Maddie that."

"She's been through a lot this year; she doesn't need to be worried about me. I don't need anyone's help. It's a break-up. I'll get over it."

"And you're all set up here, good to go," Eddie said mildly.

"Yep."

"Got that plastic chair in the bathroom and everything, huh?"

"Yep," Buck said again, flatly.

"Cool. Did you know that if you lean back on those things or try to put your weight on it, the legs can buckle? It's not a shower chair; it's a garden chair."

Buck shrugged. "I'll be fine. It's not a problem."

He was determined to be as stubborn as possible, so Eddie pulled out his trump card. "You know, Christopher starts school holidays soon. I'm having trouble finding someone to keep an eye on him and I wasn't able to enrol him in the holiday program he usually attends."

Buck's eyes flicked to him uncertainly.

Eddie continued. "He was asking about you – worrying about you – and I said you were with Abby and that you were okay, but… obviously things seem to have changed, so I was thinking… maybe if you came to stay with us, you could do me a favour and take care of him while I'm at work. He's still grieving, but he loves having you around… you make him happy." _You make me happy too._

Clearly wrestling with his emotions, Buck turned his face to the side, biting down hard on his lower lip. He wanted to say yes, but for some reason he was holding back.

Trying to give him the gentle nudge, Eddie added, "We have a shower chair in the bathroom and grab rails… the house is all one level. You'd get to hang out with Christopher every day, and we could catch upon movies at night like we wanted to…"

"I'd just be a burden on you," Buck muttered.

"Nope. Christopher wants you guys to become a kind of a crutches gang that I wouldn't be a part of - unless I break my leg as well."

"A crutches gang?"

"Yeah, he thinks it's cool that you're both matching now."

Buck swallowed hard, his eyes glistening with tears. "He does?"

"Yep. I've got an air mattress; I can sleep on the floor in his room. I talked it out with him and he's on board with the idea," he said, which was a white lie – he'd floated the idea of having Buck sleep over while he was in his cast and Christopher had thought it was the best idea ever.

"I can't kick you out of your bedroom."

Eddie shrugged. "The man with the broken leg gets the bed. Look, I'm not asking you to move in; I'm just asking you to stay until your cast comes off."

"That could be two months."

"I know."

Buck shook his head. "I can't ask you—"

"You're not asking. I'm offering," Eddie said firmly. "Think about it, okay? You, me, Christopher… hanging out, every day."

Buck looked around the loft, a dark expression on his face. "I can't promise I'll be good company."

Eddie shifted closer to him, took his hand firmly and said, "You're allowed to be sad and angry about what's happened. It's okay."

Buck's lower lip trembled, and his eyes filled with tears, but he turned his head to the side.

"I'll never make fun of you, Buck," he said in a low voice. "You and me, we're a team… I've got your back. If you want to scream and cry, break stuff, I'm here."

Buck had no reaction, but his grip tightened on Eddie's hand.

"I know you're hurting," he tried again. "I just want to help."

The tiniest whimper escaped Buck's lips – he turned his head fully to the side, pressing his free hand to his mouth.

"I could go upstairs and pack you up, right now. You could be home with us tonight. My Abuela's coming over; we're going to have enchiladas for dinner."

Buck swallowed hard. "The really spicy ones?"

"Yeah, the ones you like."

He nodded, still fighting back tears. "Maybe I could stay for a couple of days."

"A week," Eddie suggested. "And if you want to stay longer, you can. No pressure."

"But you'll be on the floor—"

"Hey, I slept on the ground when we were in the desert; an air mattress on Christopher's floor is luxury," he replied. "Can I go pack you up now?"

Buck finally met his eyes. "Okay," he said softly.

Eddie smiled at him. "I got you."

"Yeah," Buck murmured. "You do."

~

Eddie packed a couple of suitcases and carried them down to his car, and then filled a bag with perishables from the fridge. He followed Buck down to his car, helping him into the passenger seat, and laying his crutches across the back. He glanced at his watch as they headed across town, and when he suggested swinging into In-n-Out to grab some burgers for lunch, Buck agreed.

Buck perked up almost as soon as they arrived home, and after they'd eaten, he nervously asked if he could crash out on Eddie's bed for a nap.

"Of course you can," Eddie replied, patting his shoulder. "I'll just change the sheets for you, okay?"

"Are you sure you don't want me to sleep on the couch? I can fit."

"Nope. You're the one who needs it the most, and besides, the couch isn't comfy."

Eddie made the bed with his nicest, softest sheets, and flicked the air-conditioning on. Buck was yawning as he hobbled into the room, but he recovered enough to flash Eddie a genuine, grateful smile. "Thank you."

"You're welcome," Eddie replied. "But I can't promise that Christopher will let you get much sleep when he gets home."

"I think I can rally for him."

~


	8. Chapter 8

And just like that, Buck was living with them.

He was a tidy housemate – he made the bed every morning, hobbling around on his crutches to make sure the blanket was tucked in. Once he was a little more confident manoeuvring in the kitchen he began to cook for them – scrambled eggs for Christopher in the morning, who demolished them as though he was dying of starvation, and a poached egg on toast with avocado for Eddie.

One week turned into two, and then three. Buck sent him money every week with the reference 'pain and suffering', and Eddie put it aside in a separate savings account to return to him when he was better and not feeling so raw about everything. If anyone at the station thought it was strange, nothing was said to him about it. Maddie and Chimney were frequent visitors, and occasionally Bobby and Athena or Hen and Karen would drop by to see how he was doing.

Buck hadn't shown much emotion about anything, and when there were guests in the house, he was almost his old self, but Eddie knew better. He knew _Buck_ better, and he saw the expression on his face change sometimes, turn from light to dark, brooding. Bobby suggested therapy and Buck said yes, and then refused to make an appointment when Eddie mentioned it.

He didn't seem _unhappy_ , which was what concerned Eddie the most. When he was with Christopher, he was switched on, attentive, completely agreeable to whatever Christopher's next great idea was. Eddie arrived home one evening to find a tower of Lego in the living room, blocking the TV, and the guilty parties discussing how to make it even taller so it would touch the ceiling.

One day he came home to find Buck's cast absolutely decorated from top to bottom in Christopher's artwork, and another day he found them on Buck's laptop together, going through photos and making photo books and canvas prints to hang around the house.

Then, somewhere around week four or five, it was the Sims. Eddie arrived home in the morning after a 24-hour shift to find them on the couch, Buck's laptop propped up between them on a stand, completely entranced with the game. That lasted about a week, and then they decided that disaster movies were the new favourite thing and started amassing a collection to watch.

It was after a viewing of _Volcano,_ and with Christopher tucked into bed, that Eddie sat down with Buck on the couch and regarded him seriously. He'd tried to keep things light, optimistic, hoping that time would chase away some of the darkness surrounding him, but it hadn't worked, and Buck's cast would be coming off in a matter of weeks.

He was about to speak when Buck said quietly, "Hey, I just want to thank you for… bullying me into staying with you."

"I didn't bully you."

"Yeah, you twisted my arm a bit." Buck was trying to keep it light, his eyes roaming the room, settling anywhere but Eddie's face.

He just hadn't wanted to push him; he wanted to give him time to deal with the trauma of what had happened, the fact that he might not be able to return to work, and his break-up. Any feelings he had for Buck had been set aside, cooled on ice – neither one of them was ready for that conversation.

"I've loved it here," Buck confessed, much to Eddie's surprise. "I know I'm not… my usual self, but Christopher makes me feel better. That kid is… possibly the greatest human being I've ever met, and I can't say no to him. He has these big ideas and I'm just like, we've gotta make it happen."

"Yeah, he loves you," Eddie said gently. "You've got that… quality about you, that kids love. You can put yourself on their level and talk to them, listen to them… I try, but I'm not as good at it as you are."

"Because I'm a big kid?"

"No, you just… I don't know how to describe it. You can find enthusiasm for things that I can't," he offered. "Like, building a Lego tower all day doesn't really… fill me with glee."

"So you don't want to see how tall we can make it?" Buck asked seriously. "Because we just wanted to see if we could touch the roof using only the Lego that Christopher has."

"I wouldn't have even thought to do that."

"It was his idea, I just rolled with it."

Eddie smiled at him. "Maybe you should've worked with kids."

"Nah. I'd get too attached, I think." Buck chewed on his lower lip, his eyes flicking to Eddie curiously. "How was work?"

"Pretty quiet. The highlight of the day was watching Hen defeat Chimney at pool."

"And you right?" Buck asked with a grin.

Eddie shook his head. "I was smart enough not to play."

"I'll give you lessons, when I'm back… if I'm back." His expression suddenly turned dark again, and he looked away from Eddie unhappily.

"When you're back," Eddie said quietly.

"Yeah, maybe… Bobby certainly didn't seem too confident when we were talking about it the other day." Buck swallowed hard. "I don't know what I'm going to do if I can't be a firefighter anymore. I don't have any back-ups. What will I do, Eds?"

"It's too early to start thinking like that," Eddie said, trying to be as encouraging as he could. "You have rehab to get through before you start thinking along those lines. Right now, you're still a firefighter, you're on sick leave, and you will be back to work in a few months. That's it."

"But I just feel like if I get my hopes up that everything will go back to normal, the rug will be pulled out from under me."

"Come on, Buck. You're the most optimistic, determined guy I've ever met. I know you're hurting right now. I know things are hard, but… buddy… you've got so many people in your corner. Everyone wants you to succeed and come back to us. Everyone loves you. Your family at the 118 loves you," he said emphatically – sometimes Buck just needed to hear it.

Sure enough, tears were glistening in his eyes. "I just feel like I'm gonna get left behind."

"Not by me."

"And I've been such a burden on you."

"A burden? You've been taking care of my kid for me for weeks," he replied. "I can't repay you for that. You know who is going to look back on this time and love it the most? Christopher. Because he got to hang out with his best friend for the whole summer."

"I'll go home when the cast comes off."

"You know your leg isn't going to be a hundred percent and you'll probably still need the crutches," Eddie said gently. "I'm happy for you to stay through the summer, until you're confident going up and down the stairs."

Buck glanced at him. "You want me to stay? After the cast comes off?"

"I like having a baby-sitter," Eddie teased.

He managed a smile. "I'm cheap labour."

"Yeah, exactly." _And the house will feel empty without you._

Buck looked around the house and murmured, "It's weird how… comfortable I feel here. I never felt comfortable in Abby's apartment, not even when I was there on my own."

Eddie reached out to rest a hand on his shoulder. "You're with family. That's why."

"But she was my girlfriend." Buck stared down at his hands. "God, I just… I wish I could snap out of this, you know? Like… I just want to get a good night's sleep."

Eddie gave him a concerned look. "Why aren’t you sleeping?"

"It's nothing."

It clearly was something, and he prodded him lightly. "Buck. Tell me."

He sighed, and then grimaced. "It's… I keep having nightmares about the explosion… about being in the ambulance. I keep dreaming that I'm dying. I wake up, and I can't breathe… sometimes I don't know where I am, and I try to get up and walk but the cast… I don't know what's wrong with me."

Eddie said quietly, "It's PTSD. I've been through the same thing."

"But I'm _fine._ "

"You're fine until you're not. You don't want to watch action movies anymore, and the other night when they showed that explosion at the chemical plant on the news, you had to leave the room. I can't watch war movies," he confessed, and Buck gave him a surprised look. "I just… sometimes, not always, if I see something like that, it gives me nightmares as well."

"What do you do?"

"I went to therapy for a while and learned some coping mechanisms. I know Bobby wants you to go to therapy as well before you come back to work, so why don't you just go?"

Buck shook his head. "No. The last time I went, it was pointless."

"You never told me you went before."

"Because it was fucking pointless."

Eddie was still grasping his shoulder, and without realising he was doing it, he began to massage his fingers into Buck's tight and knotted muscles. After a moment, Buck let out a sigh, and dropped his head forward, so Eddie slid his hand along to his neck and tried to work out the kinks.

"Turn around," he suggested, ignoring Buck's look of surprise. "I'll rub your shoulders. Come on."

"You don't have to—"

"I want to. Accept the offer."

Buck eyed him, and then did as he was told, shifting so his back was to Eddie. Eddie slid both hands along his shoulders and to his neck, digging his thumbs in, and rotating them around in circles. Buck began to loosen up, some of the tension oozing out of his body.

"Do you ever think about that day?" Buck asked quietly. "The day we got drugged?"

"Yeah," Eddie murmured, shifting a little closer to him.

"I feel like I should regret that we did that, but I don't."

"Me either."

Buck turned his head to the side slightly. "This feels amazing."

_You feel amazing_ , he wanted to say, but kept his mouth shut, just thankful that Buck had dropped his guard somewhat. "Maybe I should take it up full-time."

"Only if it means you're massaging me full-time."

"That could be arranged."

Buck glanced over his shoulder at him. "Can it? Still?"

Eddie's heart lifted. That was the first indication he'd had in weeks that maybe Buck was still feeling something for him, too, and it was enough. "Yes," he said softly. "Yep."

Buck was silent, until he finally murmured, "Okay."

~

Eddie couldn't sleep. He tossed and turned on the air mattress, frustrated, and finally around 2am decided that a good old-fashioned warm glass of milk might help him drift off. He crept out of the room, trying not to wake Christopher, and had just closed the door behind himself when he heard distinct sobbing coming from his bedroom.

_Shit._

He let himself in, quickly closing the door. Buck was sitting on the edge of the bed, the blankets in a disarray, his face buried in his hands. Eddie knelt in front of him and said quietly, "You're at my house, in my bedroom, and you're safe."

Buck lifted his head with surprise, as though only just realising he wasn't alone. "Fuck. Eddie… fuck. I'm sorry."

"What are you sorry for? You have nothing to apologise about." Eddie moved in closer. "Bad dream?"

Buck sniffled, wiping his eyes. "You weren't supposed to see me like this."

"You're fooling yourself if you think I don't know how miserable you are," Eddie replied, and Buck's eyes widened. "Yeah, I know. I know you're struggling. I really do think you need to get some therapy before you start rehab, because it's going to be a bad combo of being exhausted and emotionally exhausted as well. Trust me, I know. I'll fix the blankets for you so you can lie down."

Buck was quiet while Eddie fixed the bedding, and then lay down again. Eddie pulled the blankets up and over him, gave his hand a squeeze, and started to the door.

"Eddie."

He turned, raising his eyebrows. "Yes?"

"I really don't want to feel like this anymore, you know? I'm miserable. I just want to be me again."

"What can I do?" he asked uncertainly. "What do you want me to do?"

Buck shifted, pulling himself up, and said, "I blew it with you. I was so fucking stupid. You were right in front of me and I went back to her like an idiot."

"You were in love with her," he said quizzically.

"I don't think I was, you know… I think I told myself I was, but like… ever since you and I met, I… kinda… stopped thinking of her that way." Buck gazed at him imploringly. "And now it's too late."

"Too late?" Eddie asked, raising his eyebrows. "You're in my house, in my bed. Aren't you?"

"You're only doing it out of pity."

"No, so I can keep an eye on you. So you're not alone, when you have a family that loves you and cares about you and wants you with them," he said emphatically. "That's me and Chris, Buck. This isn't pity; this isn't me being nice because you're my friend. This is me taking care of you because I love you."

Buck blinked at him. "You love me."

"Yes."

"But I…"

"No buts." Eddie shrugged. "I let you go. That was on me. I could've fought for you, but I thought I was doing the right thing – I thought she was the woman you were in love with, and… I didn't think you could be happy with me if I kept you from figuring your shit out with her. She'd be the one who got away, and I… would be second best."

"You're first best," Buck said emphatically, and Eddie managed to laugh. "No, I'm serious, Eddie… I thought you… didn't like me anymore."

"I've just been playing it cool."

"But you said you didn't want me talking to you—"

"Because it was slowly killing me, that's why." Eddie put his hands on his hips, looking around the room. "You are… the best person I've ever met, hands down. And when we first met I kinda wrote you off, but… this year, being around you, and seeing you with my son, and just… taking a step back when we're not trying to make romance happen, maybe it was for the best. It made things clearer to me, even though at times it was fucking _awful._ I mean, she was talking about marriage and I was thinking, fuck. She doesn't deserve you. And that was a shitty, selfish thing to think. She's not a bad person."

Buck shook his head. "We just weren't compatible."

"No."

"But you and I are."

Eddie smiled at him. "Yeah. I kinda like you, Buckley."

A hopeful smile lit up Buck's face. "Really, though? Still?"

"Oh yeah," he replied. "Definitely."

"Would you maybe want to stay in here with me tonight?"

"What are you going to tell Christopher in the morning?" he asked, leaning against the wall with his head cocked to the side.

"That I had a bad dream and you cheered me up."

"Works for me." Eddie pulled his shirt over his head and went around to the other side of the bed, sliding in beside Buck, who flicked the light off and turned to him eagerly. "Am I one of the reasons you've been so upset?" Eddie asked him once the room was dark and all he could feel was Buck's hand on his hip.

"No, but I really did think I'd lost you," Buck admitted.

"Nah. I'm a patient guy."

"But it's not the right time, is it? Shannon died not too long ago, and I'm still… messed up."

"Is there ever a right time for anything?" Eddie asked. "We don't have to get married tomorrow, but… we could share a bed."

He couldn't see his face, but he could tell Buck was smiling. "Yeah, we can do that. It's just that I'm going to have blue balls by the time I get this damn cast off."

"If I can wait practically a year," Eddie said, "you can wait a few weeks."

"Deal." Buck's hand slid up to his waist, sliding across his skin. "Maybe we could make out, though, if you want?"

That was all he needed to hear. Eddie closed the gap and kissed him firmly, their noses bumping together in the dark. Buck was eager, his hand sliding further up Eddie's side to his ribs and around to his back, pulling him in close.

_Finally, fucking finally_ , he thought, setting aside his worries, and went with it.

~

Eddie moved back into his bedroom. Christopher had no problem with it, and Eddie later found out that he'd asked Buck why they just weren't sharing a room the whole time. God, he loved his kid, who only saw the good in everything. If Eddie and Buck were sharing a room, obviously Buck was staying forever.

They'd have that conversation later.

Eddie wasn't sure if it was the making out, or the bed sharing, or the fact that they'd finally been honest with each other, but whatever it was, some of the dark clouds surrounding Buck began to lift. He still had nightmares – a few a week – but he seemed to be sleeping better, for the most part.

At work, they asked how things were going – would Buck be heading home once his cast came off? How was Christopher handling the living situation? Was Eddie tired of having to deal with Evan Buckley, the most gregarious person on the planet?

No, because having Buck around was _fun._ He was full of suggestions of things to do. Watching a new movie with him was especially enjoyable – particularly when they watched _Dirty Dancing_ , and Buck had tears rolling down his face during the final dance. Watching the light come back into Buck's eyes was worth every bit of heartache he'd been through in the last year, and sliding into bed beside him and seeing a bright smile light up his gorgeous face made all the pain worth it.

Buck's cast came off, but his leg was pasty white thin and shrivelled, all muscle definition withered away. He was still on crutches, and when they returned home, he made a move as if to start packing his things until Eddie said gently, "You can stay."

So he did, for another few weeks, until he was walking around comfortably, and then one morning while Eddie was dressing for work, Buck said, "I'm going to move back to the loft."

Eddie glanced over at him. "You don't have to."

"I can't stay. If I stay much longer, I won't want to leave." Buck was sitting in the bed, shirtless, the covers pooled in his lap. They hadn't done anything aside from kissing, and even that was mostly relegated to when the lights were off. "And everyone's going to think it's weird if I stay much longer. They must've asked you why I'm still here."

"I told them you wouldn't be going back to the loft until you could get up the stairs."

Buck said quietly, "I can get up the stairs now."

Eddie glanced at him. "Okay… so you're telling Christopher today?"

"I never told him I was staying here forever." Buck looked around the room and said quietly, "I really have loved staying here, though. Like… I can't thank you enough for letting me stay."

"So stay longer," Eddie said, pulling his shirt over his head.

"I can't, Eds. We haven't even gone out on a date yet," he said. "And the longer I stay here, the more I'll want to have sex with you… and the doctor says I'm not allowed yet."

"Oh, you asked, did you?"

"Yeah, of course I did." Buck smiled at him. "You've got to be the most patient person on the planet."

He grinned, tucking his shirt in. "I have my moments."

"So how about we go out on a date on Saturday night? I know you're not working," Buck suggested. "We could get some dinner somewhere."

"Why do you want to date, anyway? Dates are for getting to know each other. We already know each other," he pointed out, sitting on the bed to pull his socks on.

"Dating's what you do, isn't it?"

"Yeah, but… I've known you for a year; we've been living together for a few months now. I don't need to date you to know I like you and that I see a future," he replied, and let out a laugh when Buck's arms wrapped around him from behind and warm lips pressed against his cheek.

"So what do you want?" Buck asked in his ear.

"I just want to… come over to your loft some nights, or you come over here, and we just… do what we've been doing," Eddie replied, turning his head to the side. "Is that okay?"

"Yep."

"And you're still fine with us not telling anyone just yet?"

"Yeah, after everyone was in my business about Abby, I'd prefer to keep this just for us as long as I can." Buck rested his head on Eddie's shoulder. "I miss going to work with you."

"God, I miss you too," he murmured. "It's definitely not as fun without you around."

"I'll be back at work in no time."

"I'm holding you to that."

~

Buck returned to the loft and began his rehab sessions in earnest. Christopher was upset when he left, and life without him in the house was quieter – back to normal, but Eddie couldn't remember the house feeling quite so empty before. The doctor hadn't given him the okay to start having sex, but Eddie went to the clinic and had an STI test anyway, texting Buck the results. A few days later, Buck's came through with the message, ' _Can't wait.’_

Kissing would have to be enough, and it was. Video games at Buck's apartment turned into making out furiously on his couch, hands wandering everywhere. Eddie liked it when his lips were pink and swollen, how he'd look up at him with half-lidded eyes and smile, like he couldn't believe what they were doing.

Eddie had never been so hard up in his life but was determined to hold out until Buck was well enough so they could both enjoy sex together. Kissing was enough, and sharing a bed, and waking up next to each other – all of it was enough. It was like Buck was almost back to normal, and Eddie wasn't sure if that was because he was active again and putting all of his energy into rehab, or if the Department-mandated therapy sessions were helping (he suspected not – Buck almost never talked about it, and when asked, he usually rolled his eyes) or the simple fact that he'd realised he had a home with Eddie and Christopher.

Buck's physical fitness test was scheduled, and he rang Eddie at work breathlessly one day. "So the doctor says we can have sex," he said, sounding a little nervous, "but here's the thing – I want to wait until after I pass my test."

"Why's that?" Eddie asked, wandering away from the rest of the team, who were seated around the table gossiping.

"Because I just…" Buck let out a little chuckle, and said, "because it gives me a goal to work towards. You, naked, in my bed… yeah, that's keeping me going."

Eddie leaned against one of the posts, grinning. "Okay. If that's what you want."

"Yeah, it is." Buck paused, and then said, "How's work?"

"It's good. You want to say hi to everyone? You should drop by."

"No, no… I'll come in after I pass the test," he said with determination. "I gotta go anyway, I'm meeting Maddie. But Eds, um… really looking forward to it, you know? I remember how good your ass looks."

He smirked. "Okay. Does it?"

"Oh, god yeah, and you know it, you tease. I'll let you know how it goes."

"Good luck."

~

He passed, of course, with flying colours, and they set a plan for the Friday night – Christopher was sleeping over with his cousins, and Eddie was coming to Buck's house straight after work.

It was just that nobody expected Buck to cough up a mouthful of blood on Bobby and Athena's deck the day before and collapse onto the lawn, unconscious.

His heart was in his throat as they loaded him into an ambulance, Maddie climbing in beside him and the rest of the team piling into their cars to follow him to the hospital. Eddie had Christopher to deal with, so he took his worried and tearful son to his Abuela's house, reassuring him that Buck was going to be okay, before heading to the hospital to join the rest of the team. Maddie was in tears when he arrived, complaining that Buck had been pushing himself too hard and wasn't ready to come back.

Eddie listened silently from the corner. It was _true_ , but Buck had also been spending most nights with Eddie and Christopher, and Eddie spent at least half an hour every evening massaging Buck's leg and questioning him about his pain levels, so unless Buck had been lying…

He closed his eyes, shaking his head. He'd most definitely lied.

He let everyone else file in ahead of him, waiting until they were all trickling out before stealing his moment alone. Buck was sitting glumly in the hospital bed, hooked up to a glut of machines. When Eddie pulled the door shut, he let out a little noise, and turned away from him.

Eddie took the seat beside the bed, reached out for his hand, and grasped it gently. "How are you feeling?"

"Like an idiot."

"Don't do that. How are you feeling, health-wise?"

Buck swallowed hard. "I'm pretty tired," he admitted.

He was on the verge of anger, but tried to contain it – after all, he'd pushed himself as well after he'd been injured. He'd worked hard to return to top physical condition, so he understood completely why Buck had done the same thing. He was sure Buck had already suffered through lectures from Maddie and Bobby, and he wasn't interested in making him feel any worse about himself.

"Hen told me they're putting you on blood thinners," Eddie said quietly, and Buck nodded. "That's good. No more clots. We'll take it easy. When are they letting you out?"

"Maybe not until the day after tomorrow. They want to monitor me."

"Okay. I'll bring Christopher to see you in the morning, and we'll hang out. I'm not working until tomorrow night." Eddie kissed his hand again. "Can you do me a favour though?"

Buck nodded. "Anything."

"Can you not die? I waited a whole year for you to be with me; the least you could do is not die."

Buck's eyes widened and a slow grin crossed his face. "You really waited for me? You weren't just exaggerating?"

"Yeah. I'm not an idiot," he said. "I know a good thing when I see it, and I'd rather not let that good thing slip through my fingers again. So – no dying, and when you're back at home, I'll come over and show you a really good time. How about that?"

"Deal," Buck agreed. "You got yourself a deal."

~

He'd just arrived to work when he found Hen and Chimney huddled in the locker room together, talking in hushed tones. Eddie paused in the doorway, arching an eyebrow at them. "What's going on?"

"Buck quit," Hen said. Her arms were folded across her chest, lips drawn tightly.

"When?" he asked, totally confused – he'd seen Buck that morning at the hospital and he hadn't mentioned _anything_ about that.

"He told Bobby like an hour ago – the Department's not letting him come back to work if he's on blood thinners," Chimney replied, rubbing his face. "So Buck quit, and he's not answering our calls."

"He'll talk to you," Hen suggested. "Eddie, call him. Tell him not to be stupid."

Eddie checked his phone and found zero messages from Buck, and when he tried to call him, it went straight to voicemail. With Hen and Chimney's eyes boring into him, he left a message that he hoped sounded casual. "Hey, man. Call me when you get this. I'm on a 24-hour shift but I'll come by to see you tomorrow."

Buck never returned his call, or any of the messages Eddie sent, and when he went by the hospital after his shift the next day, he found that Buck had been released. He was late to pick up Christopher, so he couldn't swing by the loft, and he left another voicemail for him, asking him to call.

Again, there was no response.

So that night he took Christopher with him to pick up some take-out, and went to Buck's apartment, hoping to surprise him with the charm offensive that was his son, but his Jeep was missing from its parking space. He went home, hoping Buck was there, and found his house silent and dark as well.

Not knowing what else to do, he and Christopher simply went inside, and he tried not to worry. This was grieving, right? Buck was grieving the loss of his job. He wasn't going to do anything stupid – he wasn't that kind of guy. He just needed some time to come to terms with everything, and he would be okay.

Eddie hoped he would just turn up out of the blue, but a week of silence passed by, despite Eddie's numerous texts and calls. A week of no Buck, with Christopher asking him every single day where he was, and when he would be coming over, and why couldn't they surprise him – why? Because Eddie wasn't a hundred percent sure what he'd be walking into.

And then finally, he couldn't take it anymore. He needed a babysitter for Christopher, and everyone was unavailable, so he went to Buck's apartment on a whim – pissed that he was being given the silent treatment, but hoping that a day with Christopher would give Buck some perspective.

Sure enough, the loft was a mess, Buck was a mess, but he was late and he had to leave, trying to ignore the ache in his gut that told him to shove Buck up against the wall and kiss him until they both couldn't breathe. Buck stared at him like he couldn't believe that Eddie had actually turned up – fuck, maybe he should've come earlier but god damn did he hate being ghosted – and Eddie left, hoping that when he returned later that evening with some pizzas, Buck would be in a better frame of mind.

~

The last place he expected to see Buck was at the VA Hospital in Santa Monica, bedraggled, barely upright, blood running down his arm.

The last thing he expected on that day was the fleeting but very real terror that Christopher was gone; Christopher was… _dead_. His son, his whole world, his sun, and moon and all the stars, everything in the universe, the person who kept him going, the one person he loved more than anyone and anything, was _gone._

And then he was there, in the arms of a nice woman, still asking for Buck. With Christopher in his arms, Eddie turned to stare at Buck, in shock, his heart returning to a normal rhythm, and watched as Buck practically passed out in front of him.

Bobby told him to head home with Christopher, and that Maddie was on her way to collect Buck – who was fine, but exhausted, barely able to keep his eyes open. Eddie, unwilling to let Christopher out of his arms for even a second, only managed to briefly squeeze his shoulder before catching a ride back to the 118 with a couple of the other members of the team.

~

Christopher told him what happened that night, as Eddie tucked him into bed – _his_ bed, not Christopher's, because across the hall was too damn far after such a close call. He lay there for a long time after Christopher fell asleep, running his fingers through his hair, thinking about Buck… thinking about Buck not giving up, searching until he had nothing left, until his legs came out from under him.

That was Buck though, so quitting made no fucking sense. Why quit – why not fight? Why not do the grunt work, put in the time and earn his job back the hard way? If anyone understood, it was Eddie. Starting from the bottom and working your way up wasn't the easiest, but if that was what Buck had to do, it was what he was going to have to do.

So he took Christopher over the next day with a plan to give him a fiery speech, but everything he wanted to say vanished the moment he laid eyes on Buck, who stared at Eddie and Christopher like he never expected to see them again.

"There's nobody in this world I trust with my son more than you," Eddie had said, his hand on Buck's shoulder, gazing into those ocean-blue eyes of his with all the conviction in the world, as if that would miraculously cure all of Buck's problems.

And when he picked up Christopher that evening after work – still in one piece, thank god – Buck pulled him aside and said, "Eddie, can I come over to your house this week? And stay over?"

Eddie nodded, still smarting at being ghosted but figuring he should probably set that aside for the man who saved his son's life. "Sure."

"I'm sorry I didn't call."

He shrugged. He wasn't going to let him off that easily.

Buck eyed him, and said, "I didn't want you to come over and yell at me."

"It doesn't matter," Eddie said abruptly, and Buck's eyebrows lifted. "Come over this week and we'll talk. And get your job back, man. You're not going to be on light duty forever and you know it."

Buck bobbed his head. "You think so?"

"Yeah, I give it a week before they realise you're more trouble than you're worth," Eddie teased him, and Buck relaxed enough to smile.

~

He missed him, that was the thing. It was like their relationship was finally starting to gain some momentum and just like that, the flame was out again. He couldn't wrap his head around the fact that Buck had ignored him for an entire week, leaving him on 'read' on his messages as though he didn't matter.

And he understood that Buck was going through some shit, but like… they were on their way to something, weren't they? They were in the beginning stage of a relationship and Buck had pulled the rug out from under him. It _hurt._

Eddie wasn't big on showing his emotions – never had been. Men didn't have emotions; they were providers, strong and stoic. Buck was different, so he'd _tried_ to be honest with him; tried to show his emotions and have conversations, but… it was a struggle, unlearning everything he knew about how to communicate. He'd fucked it up with Shannon; he didn't want to do that with Buck.

But now he had no idea what he and Buck even were anymore, and if he'd done something wrong? He was angry about the ghosting, but was Buck angry at him for something too? He had no idea.

All he knew was that he missed him.

They planned for Buck to come over on the Wednesday night, but Eddie wanted to see him sooner than that, without Christopher around, and so on the Tuesday afternoon after work, he swung by the loft without texting Buck first. He pulled into his usual spot and headed inside, fumbling in his pocket for his keys.

Without even really thinking about it, he opened the door to find Buck in an embrace with Abby, her hands cupping his face. And that was all he saw before he dropped the keys on the floor, and Buck leapt away from her as if he'd been burned, and she turned around with surprise, her hand going to her heart.

"Eddie!" Buck exclaimed, a look of desperation crossing his face. "It's – this – what are you doing here?!"

He just shook his head, disgusted with himself for thinking that maybe they were on their way to something good, something real. This was why Buck had ghosted him, right here. She was back, again.

"Eddie," Buck said again, his voice strained. "Please."

"Nah, we're good," he said, trying to wrestle his emotions back under control. "You're good. I'll see you around."

"Eddie, wait," Buck said urgently. "Just – hold up, okay?"

"Nah, I gotta go, and don't bother coming over. I'm good, you're good. I don't need this." He turned his back on Buck and stalked down the hall to the elevator, hating himself for the tears burning in his eyes, hating himself for feeling like his heart had been ripped out of his chest, hating himself for letting his guard down _again_ and having it completely blow up in his face.

Buck grabbed his arm and yanked him back, but Eddie turned swiftly and shoved him away. "Just don't!" he heard himself snap, and took a deep breath, putting his fist to his mouth. _Push it down; don't let it out. Don't let him see how much he's hurt you._ "I get it," he added, raking a hand through his hair, as Buck gave him a stricken look. "I get it. We're done. You could've just told me when you moved out, instead of ghosting me for a week. You could've just said something. I can't believe you did that to me."

Buck said desperately, "It's not what you think. Eddie, please, let me explain."

"No, I don't want to hear it; I don't want to be in the middle of this anymore… I don't want to do this anymore," he said bitterly.

"Just listen, would you please just listen to me?" Buck begged.

He shook his head. "What's there to say? What can you possibly say to me? I let you into my house, my bed, gave you my kid… and this shit just keeps happening, so I'm thinking maybe the timing is never going to be right. So you're good, Buck. Go back to Abby. I don't need this constant back and forth; I don't need to feel like shit all the fucking time. Like I’m second best. I already knew I wasn't good enough for you. Fuck, man." Eddie gave him a withering look as the elevator arrived, and he stepped into it.

Buck didn't follow.

~


	9. Chapter 9

When Buck filed the lawsuit, Eddie thought that it figured. It figured Buck would go nuclear instead of just sucking it up and getting on with life – no, Mr Selfish had decided the whole world needed to revolve around him and so he was going to goddamn get him some attention.

Lena said he was angry before he punched a guy in a parking lot and got himself arrested, and she didn't even know about the Buck stuff. Or maybe she did, because he couldn't help but scowl every time she mentioned his name.

And then he had to sit across from the bastard and listen as his smug lawyer aired all their dirty laundry, while Buck stared at him with puppy dog eyes.

And _then_ he snapped at Buck in a supermarket, and couldn't help but feel guilty and shitty about that almost instantly.

So yeah, fighting was a good outlet for some of the rage he was feeling about _everything_ , not just Buck – nearly losing his son in the tsunami, and Shannon dying, his parents wanting him to come home, the fact that he felt like he was drowning and couldn't seem to gasp in any air; that he was slowly dying and nobody had noticed.

Yeah, fighting was good. It made him feel like he had some control over his life, like he could work out his anger and aggression in the ring and feel a little like himself when he was at home or work. The money didn't hurt either – the bruises were another issue, and more than once he'd noticed Christopher eyeing him with some concern, like he _knew_ something was going on, but he wasn't quite sure what.

That didn't kill him as much as Christopher asking for Buck did – that was like a knife, twisting inside, every single time Christopher said his name. It had only been two weeks and Christopher had asked every single day when Buck was coming over next, and what the fuck was he supposed to say? _Buck broke my heart and stabbed us all in the back and I can't be around him because the very sight of him makes my heart shrivel just a little bit more._

The last place he was expecting to see Buck was outside of the abandoned warehouse, leaning against Eddie's truck with his arms folded across his chest, his head down. He'd only been back at work a day and they'd spoken less than a handful of times.

Eddie stopped and stared at him, hitching his bag up on his shoulder. "What are you doing here?"

"Oh, I caught the show." Buck looked over at him, arching his eyebrows. "So this is what you're doing now, huh?"

"Not that it's any of your business."

"It feels like it kinda is." Buck turned to face him, shoving his hands in his pockets. "You want to go somewhere and talk?"

"I have no interest in talking to you," Eddie replied, yanking his keys out of his pocket. "I don't know how you found out about this, and I don't care, but if you rat me out—"

"I'm not gonna rat you out. I'm not a dick," Buck practically spat.

"Agree to disagree."

"Oh, fuck you."

"No, fuck you. Get away from my car."

Buck took a step to the side, shaking his head. "At some point you and I need to talk this out, you know."

"Yeah, it's not gonna be tonight," he replied smartly, throwing his bag onto the passenger seat. "See you at work."

~

Eddie had been in his house for less than two minutes when a key turned in the lock and Buck stepped inside, letting the door slam shut behind him. Eddie had gotten as far as turning on the kitchen light, and he stepped back out into the entryway, holding his hands out. "I'm sorry, was I not clear?"

"Oh you were pretty clear, I just decided to ignore you and do what I wanted to do instead," Buck replied, shrugging out of his jacket.

"You think you're staying?"

"I'm staying long enough for you to hear me out. Where's Christopher?"

Eddie exhaled, folding his arms across his chest. "With Pepa."

"Great, so we've got all night." Buck flashed him a tight, tense smile. "I'll start. You said I ghosted you – and yeah, I did, but that wasn't about you. It wasn't me trying to break up with you, just so you know."

"Then why'd you do it?"

"Because I didn't want you to make me feel better. I just wanted to wallow and drink and not talk to anyone for a while. Actually, it wasn't about you at all, though nice of you to make it all about you."

Eddie narrowed his eyes. "Well, you're kind of an expert at that, aren't you?"

Buck didn't take the bait. "Secondly, when you came over and found Abby there – again, that wasn't about you. I was giving her a hug goodbye; we'd just finished saying our peace. After we broke up, she took off to Europe again to be with this guy she met. She said some things, and I said some things – and literally none of those things were about you, or about us getting back together, or anything other than us putting the past behind us and setting aside our hurt feelings. And then you walked in, lost your shit, and wouldn't let me explain."

Eddie swallowed hard, ducking his head. Maybe he had done that.

Buck took a step towards him. "In case you haven't noticed," he said quietly, "the only way I got through the last six months was because of you and Christopher, letting me stay here. Letting me be a part of your lives."

"You used me," he said, though as the words came out of his mouth, he didn't really believe them.

Buck recoiled as if he'd been slapped; before his shock was replaced with anger. "I used you? Eddie! Are you fucking kidding me? Are you so determined to be angry with me you're going to rewrite history? You know I didn't use you! God damn it, you stubborn fucking idiot. _I'm in love with you._ Don't you fucking get it? Everything that I've done has been to get back to you. I thought you didn't want me back; I was so fucking… lost," he admitted, and cleared his throat. "I nearly killed myself at rehab trying to get healthy, for you. I went to therapy, for you. I filed the lawsuit so _I could be with you._ I saw you with Lena and… I've never been so fucking jealous in my entire life. I'm in love with you. You're the one I want to be with. It took me a long time to figure it out but I'm not letting you go now; I'm not giving up. I got my job back – I'll get you back too."

Eddie stared at him uncomprehendingly, his heart pounding in his chest. "What do you mean you filed the lawsuit so you could be with me?"

Buck blinked rapidly. "The happiest I've ever been in my entire life is working in a team with you," he said. "I miss you like… I'm missing a fucking limb or something. And I know I've done the wrong thing – I know I shouldn't have gone back to Abby. I should've trusted my gut and fought to be with you, because you're the only thing I've thought about for the last year. Eddie. _Eddie._ Please…" he let out a bitter laugh, and tilted his head back, rolling his shoulders. "I've never lied to you, about anything. Not once. And I'm not lying now."

He wrapped his arms around himself, shaking his head, looking away from him. "I don't know."

"Oh come on, yes you do," Buck groaned. "Stop being a dumbass. God, Eds… you think you're not good enough for me? You said that, you know. You told me that. I never thought you actually believed it until you said it. When I was in your bed, and you let me kiss you… I was the luckiest man on the planet and I never appreciated it until it was gone. I'm sorry I ghosted you, Eddie. It was stupid and selfish of me. I know I fucked up, but you did too. I know I fucked up, but I'm here, now, and I won't stop fighting for you. I know you're in love with me too."

He swallowed hard. "I don't know," he murmured, but that was a lie. He was just so fucking scared.

Buck took another step towards him. "Ask me anything."

He screwed his face up, and then finally asked the question that had been on his mind for months but hadn't had the courage to ask. "You lied when you told me it was mutual, right – she dumped you. Right?"

Buck shook his head. "I've never lied to you," he repeated. "Things were pretty bad before the explosion – I was going to end it with her, but… you know, the truck blew up. So it took us having a huge fight for me to finally be honest with her about my feelings for you, and how I wasn't being fair to her or you, and that we needed to break up. It turned out she was thinking the same thing, even if she didn't want to admit it at first… and then she finally came clean and told me about the guy she met in Europe, the one she couldn't stop thinking about. I went home that night, and like, three days later you turned up and made me come home with you."

"So you weren't depressed because she broke up with you?" he asked hesitantly, because he was _sure_ that had been a big part of it.

Buck shook his head. "No, Eds. I'd just been blown up. That was the thing I was upset about," he said patiently.

Well, fuck. Eddie ran a hand through his hair, chewing on the inside of his bottom lip. "I thought… she broke up with you and you were miserable about it."

"No, Eds. It was mutual, but… I should've broken up with her way before that. I should've been the one to do it, because I wasn't happy – all I was thinking about was you, and it wasn't fair to her. I'm sorry I didn't break up with her sooner."

Eddie nodded, turning his eyes to the floor again.

Buck took a step closer. "I just felt… like everything in my life was the worst it's ever been," he admitted. "I couldn't see a light at the end of the tunnel. You were still grieving Shannon, and I thought maybe you didn't want a relationship with me anymore… I was scared to call you to ask for help," he admitted. "I knew what you and Christopher were going through and I thought the last thing you wanted was me hanging around your neck, depressed and miserable, thinking I'd never be able to work again, and then you barged into my apartment and forced me to come home with you, and I thought… I still have you and Christopher, despite everything. You both got me through the worst time of my life."

Eddie murmured, "But therapy helped too, right?"

"Yeah, but honestly… I don't find talking my problems out with strangers all that beneficial," he admitted. "What helped me the most was you letting me take my time with everything and not telling me how I should feel or what I should do to get over it. I know sometimes you wanted to tell me to suck it up and get on with life, and I know you must've been biting your tongue… but Eddie, how's that working out for you?" he asked, and nodded pointedly at a trickle of dried blood running down Eddie's right arm.

And suddenly his lower lip was trembling uncontrollably, and he had to turn away, shaking his head.

"You know that it's okay for men to show emotion, right? Do you think this is healthy? Letting everything build up so much that all you can do is beat the shit out of some poor asshole so you can feel something for once?"

He inhaled sharply, tears burning in his eyes.

"I'm just saying," Buck said quietly. "Maybe I'm not the only one who should be in therapy."

And he lost it, whirling around, spitting the words out like bullets – "Shannon died, and then you nearly did too! And then… I thought we were going somewhere and… you ignored me for a week, and… Christopher kept asking where you were! And then he nearly died… and I saw you with her and I thought…" he let out a sob, covering his mouth. "I just want you to love me the way I love you and I'm so fucking miserable."

"You idiot," Buck groaned, grabbing him by the shoulder, hauling him in. "You fucking idiot, it's called communication, you god damn stupid stubborn idiot!"

"Stop calling me an idiot," he retorted, wiping his tears away.

"Stop being one." Buck's eyes were blazing. "Hey, the point of this whole thing is that I'm in love with you, and you're in love with me."

_Shit._ He stared up at him, a lump in his throat.

"So what the fuck, Diaz?" Buck asked quietly. "Are you in or are you out? Because I'm in with you, one hundred percent. Let me in, please… god, I'll love you so much, Eddie, with everything that I have. You and I could be really good for each other – we already are, you know? God, Eds…" he trailed off, licking his lips. "You waited a whole year. I'm yours. Are you mine?"

"Yes," he heard himself say, but before he could think about anything else, Buck's lips were on his. He threw his arms around Buck's shoulders and kissed him roughly, wanting to taste him, to claim him. _Finally._

He forgot all about the bruises on his body, or the fact that Buck was on blood thinners. Buck shoved him up against the wall and ripped his shirt open from the collar to the hem, tearing it off and tossing it on the floor. His hands slid down his chest, and when Eddie let out a hiss of pain, Buck pulled away and examined him, a scowl on his face.

"I watched that tonight," he said unhappily, covering the largest bruise on Eddie's abdomen with his palm. "I watched you take it; I watched you throw yourself away like your body isn't the most beautiful thing on the planet. No more fighting."

"You were watching me. How'd you find me?"

Buck shrugged. "I asked Lena, who asked someone, who asked someone, who told her. A guy offered me money to get in the ring. Should I take him up on it? Go back, show my stuff?"

"Don't you fucking dare," Eddie practically snarled, grabbing Buck by the shirt collar possessively. "Nobody is laying a hand on you."

"So now you know how I feel," he said tightly. "No more fighting."

Eddie sighed. "No."

"You're so fucking stubborn."

"Yeah, well. It's gotten me this far," Eddie muttered, and yanked him down for another kiss.

Buck chuckled against his lips, sliding his hands down over his chest and stomach again, and down over his hips, before hooking his hands under Eddie's thighs and easily picking him up.

"Careful," Eddie gasped, breaking the kiss. "Your leg."

"I've been lifting heavier things than you," Buck replied smartly, barely straining with the effort, carrying him down the hall and kicking open the door to the bathroom. He sat Eddie on the sink, flicked the light on, and dropped down to search through the cabinet. "Where's the first aid kit?"

"Aw, Buck," Eddie complained. The only thing that would make him feel any kind of good was a mind-blowing orgasm, but Buck seemingly had other things on his mind.

Buck straightened up, holding the bag aloft. "Shower first," he said, pulling his shirt up and over his head. "Then I take care of you."

If a shower meant that Eddie could put his hands all over Buck's body, then he was fine with it. Buck leaned in to kiss him again, unbuckling his jeans and kicking his shoes off.

Once they were naked and in the shower stall under the hot spray, Buck wasted no time lathering Eddie up, washing him down, careful of the bruises marring his skin, brushing kisses here and there as he washed the sweat and dirt from his body. Eddie dropped his head forward, letting the hot water cascade over his shoulders and soothe some of his aches while Buck's hands did the rest.

"Never do this again," Buck said to him, and he lifted his head slowly. "I don't want anyone to ever touch you like that again. You're too beautiful."

"I'm not," he said, and Buck's lips were on his again as if to chase the words away, sliding down to the line of his jaw, pulling him in so they were slotted together, their arms around each other.

"I'm sorry I fucked you around for a whole year," Buck said in his ear. "I'm sorry I didn't listen to my gut when it told me to be with you, and I'm sorry I didn't break up with her sooner. I'm sorry I went into my head and ghosted you for a week, and I'm sorry about the damn lawsuit. I'm sorry I didn't follow you when you saw me with Abby. I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry too," he began to say, but Buck was kissing him again, one hand cupping the back of his head. Eddie broke the kiss, but clutched him and said, "Listen – I just… I should've talked to you. I was just so fucking hurt and angry… and it's not all about you. Maybe some of it is about Shannon," he heard himself admit, and Buck gave a slight nod, "because we just got her back, and things were so good, and then… she was taken away again. And the fucking tsunami and I nearly lost Christopher… I've been angry at you for things that aren't your fault."

"You're angry at me about the tsunami."

"No, I'm angry that… I wasn't there for you and Christopher when you needed me," he admitted, and pressed his face against Buck's neck miserably.

Buck's hand slid down his back, before he pulled away slightly, shutting off the water. "You were at work," he said reasonably. "Look, you said to me that it was a natural disaster and you're right. It was bad luck that I decided to take him there instead of the zoo. I think at some point we've both got to stop blaming ourselves because he sure doesn't."

Eddie let out a chuckle, lifting his head. "No," he said, his voice cracking. "No, he doesn't."

"And this fighting thing, what the fuck, Eds?" Buck pushed open the shower door and stepped out onto the mat, wrapping a towel around Eddie. "What are you doing? Did you seriously think I wouldn't notice the bruises?"

He shrugged, not wanting to talk about it.

"Were you that angry at me?" Buck asked quietly.

"It's not all about you," he murmured.

"But you shouted at me in the supermarket, and I know some of it was valid, but Eds—"

"I'm sorry about that," he interrupted, screwing his face up. "I was just so angry. You know I don't think you're exhausting. I just… I'm exhausted about _everything_. It was easy just to blame it all on you. I'm tired of waiting, Buck. I'm tired of being dicked around, you know? Seeing you with Abby just… broke my heart."

Buck's face contorted slightly. "It's always been you," he said quietly. "It just took me a long time to figure it out. I love you, Eddie. I want to be with you. It's not too late, right?"

He shook his head. "No," he replied, swallowing hard. "It's never too late for you."

Buck kissed him again, hungrily, hooking one arm around his shoulders and pulling him in close. Eddie clung to him desperately, pushing him back against the sink, but Buck murmured against his lips and pulled away, pressing their foreheads together. "Let me take care of you," he whispered. "Please. I can't stand to see you looking like this."

_Shit._ Was it really that bad? Eddie nodded silently, and Buck pressed a reassuring kiss to his lips. He began to dry him off, sliding the towel carefully over his bruised and battered flesh. Eddie stared at the ground, torn between wanting the comfort and wanting to tell him that he was fine, that he would be fine, that this was nothing and that Buck was blowing it out proportion.

And then Buck pressed a gentle kiss to the scar on his shoulder, and a second, softer kiss to a bruise on his chest, and murmured, "Why would you do this to yourself?"

He felt his face contort, and quickly tried to recover. "I just needed to punch something… I've been so _angry_."

"I'm sorry," Buck said guiltily.

"It's not actually your fault, you know… it's me, thinking that… I could never be good enough for you."

He shook his head vehemently. "Oh, you are," he whispered, a bright smile lighting up his face. "Being with you makes me happy, Eds. I'm never happier than when I'm with you and Chris."

"Really?" he asked uncertainly.

"Oh, yeah," Buck replied emphatically, dropping to his knees to dry Eddie's legs and feet. When he stood again, he wrapped the towel around his waist, flicked on the light over the sink and opened the first aid kit. "Okay. Let's get you patched up."

~

Afterwards, Buck led him into the bedroom and guided him to the bed. He'd cleaned up the scrapes as best he could, and Eddie had an icepack on his ribs, but they were still mostly quiet. Eddie waited until Buck was sliding under the covers beside him and then said, "I had no problem waiting for you, you know. I still think that you needed to finish things off with her; that you might have always been wondering."

"Yeah, but… if things are great with _you_ ," Buck pointed out, "why would I have any reason to wonder?"

"What if things aren't great though, and we've… blown our chance before we ever really had it?"

"Oh, we haven't blown anything," Buck said with a wry smile. "Not a chance. You drive me fucking wild. If you weren't all banged up, I'd be pounding you up against the wall right now."

"You still could," he offered.

"Not when you're so tender that the lightest touch makes you flinch," Buck pointed out. "Listen… you and me, we've got some work to do, but… I'm here. I'm willing to put the effort in; I want you to trust me again."

"I never stopped trusting you," he murmured. "I was just hurt."

"You need to talk to me about stuff instead of bottling it up," Buck said, tapping Eddie's chest with his finger. "Look, all I know is that… I love you. I really love you, Eds. I have done for a while, I just… wasn't sure what to do with it. Wasn't sure how you were feeling… if you wanted me around."

"I want you around. _We_ do," he corrected. "Christopher misses you."

Buck nodded. "I miss him too," he said quietly. "God, I've missed you both so much."

"I missed you too," he murmured, leaning in to kiss him again. "Buck, please… just… we can talk in the morning, but I just… want you so fucking much. Please. _Please._ "

"You have me," Buck said vehemently, lifting the blanket so he could slide on top of him – carefully and gently, so as not to hurt him. "Hey, when you're feeling up to it - if you wouldn't mind coming over to my loft and fucking me until I can't remember my own name, that'd be great."

Eddie let out a breathy laugh. "That's what you want?"

"It's my go-to fantasy. My other one is making _you_ forget _your name,_ which I'm going to do right now."

And he did, putting his lips and mouth all over Eddie's body until he couldn't stand it anymore and was begging for something more, and only then did Buck give him the most exquisite blow job of his life, drawing it out until his toes were curled and he was coming harder than he'd ever done in his life. And then Buck was kissing him again, thrusting between his legs until he was coming as well, wrapped around him, and all they could do was laugh at each other and kiss.

~

Eddie awoke to the smell of sizzling bacon. He threw his legs over the side of the bed and stood, a little unsteadily, still stiff and sore after the previous night's fight. He put on a pair of sweats and wandered out to the kitchen, where Buck was standing at the stove, clad only in a pair of Eddie's shorts, cooking breakfast.

"Morning," he said, flashing him a smile. "Pour yourself a cup of coffee and sit down."

"Is this going to be an everyday sort of a thing, or…"

Buck flashed him a smile. "Maybe if you're good."

_Ooh, that flirt._ Eddie bit back a grin, pouring a cup of coffee and adding some sugar. He turned, setting the cup down on the table, and was about to sit when Buck pressed up behind him and kissed the curve of his shoulder.

"What time is Christopher home?" he murmured in his ear.

Eddie leaned back against him. "Soon. An hour."

"Damn." Buck kissed his neck – wet and open, teeth nipping against soft skin.

"He's having a sleepover on Friday," Eddie said, turning his head to the side, wanting a kiss. "I could come to yours."

"Yep." Buck's hand slid down his front, pressing a little too firmly against a bruise on his stomach, and Eddie hissed. "Oh," Buck said, pulling away, instantly remorseful. "Let me look. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," he groaned, but Buck was turning him around, examining his chest with concern. "Buck. Your food is burning."

"No, it's not." Buck ran his fingers over the bruises, shaking his head. "No more, okay? Maybe it's time for you to hit up therapy as well."

"You don't like it," Eddie muttered, pulling out of his grasp, slumping into a chair.

"No." Buck went back to the stove, removing the bacon from the heat and adding a couple of eggs. "Sunny side up, right? Or scrambled?"

"Sunny side up is fine," Eddie replied, taking a sip of coffee. "Do you really think I need therapy?"

"I don't think it's healthy to need to beat the shit out of someone to feel good about yourself," he remarked. "I know you've been pissed at me, but Eds… it's not good to be so angry. And just because we're together now—"

"Are we?"

Buck glanced over at him with a raised eyebrow. "Yeah," he said, and grinned. "You're my guy."

"I am."

"Oh yeah. I'm going to make you mine on Friday night."

"Do I get a say in that?"

"No, I'm steering this ship now," Buck replied dryly, turning the eggs. "You need to practice telling me what you want."

"I want you," he said, for starters, because it was the first thing that popped into his head.

"Okay." Buck held up the spatula, turning to him thoughtfully. "I'm going blow your fucking mind," he said brightly. "You won't be able to walk straight the next day."

Eddie almost spat out of his coffee. "Jesus Christ. Are you getting this out of your system before Christopher gets home?"

"That's the idea." Buck dished out their food, and presented Eddie with a plate of bacon, eggs and toast, complete with a soft kiss to his lips. "I love you."

Eddie broke into a grin, blushing like a fool, ducking his head. "I love you too."

~

Christopher practically screamed with delight when he saw Buck, who swept him up into a hug. Eddie watched from the doorway as they chatted eagerly, and when Buck flashed him an easy smile, he had a sudden flashback to Shannon reuniting with Christopher and almost wanted to break them apart, right there and then. This was the problem with letting anyone into Christopher's life - there was always the chance that they might leave. Shannon hadn't had a choice, but... Buck did. He might not stay forever, and that thought was terrifying.

Buck's eyes were on him, concerned, as if reading his mind. He set Christopher down on the floor, kneeling to speak to him face to face. "Listen, buddy," he said, loud enough so Eddie could hear. "I'm really sorry I haven't been around the last few weeks. I know you've been worried about me and I've missed you so much. You and your dad."

"Where'd you go?" Christopher asked – because obviously, if Buck wasn't coming around, he must've gone away somewhere.

"I had to sort myself out," Buck said, and tapped his forehead. "It had nothing to do with you or your dad, and I'm really sorry I didn't tell you I wasn't going to be around for a little while. I'm sorry I just disappeared, but I'm back now, and it won't happen again."

Christopher looked to Eddie for confirmation, and he realised he was nodding. Christopher's face lit up with a smile again and he held an arm out so Buck could hug him. "Okay, Buck. Can we play Lego together?"

"Sure thing," Buck agreed, smacking a kiss to his cheek before rising to his feet.

"How about you go unpack in your room," Eddie suggested, "and we'll get things set up out here."

"Okay!" Christopher agreed, starting down the hallway, his crutches clacking on the floor.

Once he was out of earshot, Buck gave him a long look and said with conviction, "I'm not going anywhere."

"I hope not."

"Not without you, anyway." Buck stepped over to him, a hopeful smile on his face. "Can I stay over?"

He nodded. "Yeah, I was hoping you would. You know, I really like this… confident version of yourself that you've got going on."

"Eddie, if I have to be explicitly clear with you about what I want, I'm going to do it," he replied. "My big takeaway from therapy is that communication is everything and babe, you and I are going to talk."

Eddie smirked, and pointedly didn't respond.

Buck was grinning, and he raised his eyebrows. "All right. Play it cool, then. See how that goes."

~

If anyone noticed that things had changed between them, nothing was said. Hen and Chimney commented on them making up, but that was all, and Buck had simply flashed them an easy smile and made some smart-ass comment about how Eddie was powerless to resist his charms.

They thought it was a joke, but it was the goddamn truth.

Any touch, no matter how brief or casual, sent a jolt of electricity shooting down Eddie's spine. He'd look up to find Buck's eyes on him – even more than ever before; Buck was _always_ watching him – and he could feel a heavy ache of _want_ in his gut, but pushed through, ignoring it.

And when their shift was over, Buck followed him home in his Jeep without them making any real plans. Carla was surprised to see him, throwing her arms around in him in a big hug while Eddie greeted Christopher and heard all about his day, but as soon as Carla was out of the house, and Christopher was distracted with the TV, Eddie pulled Buck into the bedroom and finally kissed that smug look right off his face.

By Friday, Eddie was so desperate he thought he might not make it through the day, with Buck smirking at him whenever he turned around; touching him discreetly, knocking shoulders as they walked along, and sliding a hand along his thigh under the table while they were having lunch. He was shameless about it, and Eddie was half-hard as they finished for the night, and walked out to their cars.

"Meet you at the loft," Buck said, sliding a hand over Eddie's lower back, and down a little, as they stood near their cars. "I'll pick up some food; you… make yourself comfortable." He leaned in and said in his ear, "Don't you dare touch yourself until I get there."

"I'll have a shower," Eddie said, even though he'd only had one an hour earlier. "A cold shower."

Buck's eyes gleamed. "I can't wait."

Neither could he, and he adjusted himself as he drove to Buck's, sweating profusely. God, he was so fucking horny – hadn't had sex (decent sex that he could remember) in _years_. Buck had decided that Friday was the night, and so all they'd done was make out and sleep next to each other, and he was hard up. Extremely hard up and desperately wanting another one of those mind-blowing orgasms.

He arrived at the loft, threw his bag in the living room and quickly called Christopher from the kitchen to check-in, before heading up to the upstairs bathroom to shower. Buck had one of those fancy rainfall showers, and having never used one before, Eddie spent some time luxuriating under the spray until the door opened, and Buck slipped in behind him.

"Hey," he said, turning around in his arms, tilting his chin up for a kiss.

Buck obliged, joining him under the spray, pressing their lips together before deepening the kiss, their tongues brushing lightly. Eddie moaned, sliding his slippery hands down Buck's chest to his hips, feeling his half-hard cock slide against his leg.

"What a treat," Buck murmured when they parted. "You all soapy, in my shower… god, so many times today I wanted to pull you into the showers and fuck you up against the wall, holy shit…"

"Are you gonna?" Eddie asked, nipping at his lips. "Is that what you want?"

"Is that what _you_ want?"

Eddie grinned at him. "God, yeah. What do you think I am, a coward?"

"Nah, I know you're a cocky sonofabitch," Buck replied, reaching over him to shut the water off. "And if I'm honest with you, I know how good your ass looks, and I can't wait to get my hands on it."

Eddie backed up until he was against the wall, sliding his hands up and over his head, practically preening under Buck's heated gaze.

"You know, I watch you," Buck said, his Adam's apple bobbing in his throat as he swallowed, "and I know I shouldn't… when I was with her, I told myself to stop looking. But I never could. I just… want you so fucking badly. You drive me wild."

Eddie smirked. "I'm all yours."

Buck took a step towards him, and murmured, "And if anyone lays a hand on your beautiful body again I'll—"

"You won't do anything, but you'll pout about it," Eddie predicted, and suddenly Buck was all over him, in his space, crushing their lips together.

He was still dripping as they fumbled their way out of the shower, having enough presence of mind to grab some towels from the rack before stumbling into the bedroom. Buck practically threw him onto the bed, standing over him, flushed red from his chest down. Eddie propped himself up on an elbow and spread his legs, reaching down with his free hand as if to touch himself.

Buck's lips twisted, and he crawled onto the bed, batted Eddie's hand away, and wrapped his lips around his cock, lifting his eyes to meet Eddie's. Eddie let out a shuddering breath and twisted his fingers in Buck's wet hair, licking his lips as Buck sucked, his cheeks hollowed like a porn-star, a smug look on his face.

Having been on edge all day, Eddie could hardly control himself, his hips rising to meet the warmth of Buck's mouth. Buck pulled away, hands on his hips, lifting him up so he could suck his balls, before pressing an open kiss to the head of Eddie's dick and sliding his tongue down the length.

Eddie barely recognised the noises he was making, and it wasn't long until he was coming, practically vibrating. Buck finished him off, licking his lips, and then reached over to grab lube and condoms from the bedside table.

"Give me a sec," Eddie murmured, trying to catch his breath. "Just give me a sec here."

Buck chuckled. "You can rally; it's okay. We have all night. I can't wait to fuck you."

"Holy shit, Buck."

"This is what you want, right?"

Eddie nodded. "Yeah, just… you know, cuddle me for a bit, or something," he complained, and Buck laughed, pulling Eddie further up the bed until he was on the pillows, and curling around him, pressing soft kisses to his cheek.

~

The night was spent in a haze of lovemaking; slowly at first, and then as their confidence grew, more passionate and intense. For the first time in his life Eddie let down all his walls and defences and gave himself over entirely to Buck, without worrying about the future, or who he was disappointing, or if he was doing the right thing.

It felt good; it felt _right._ Having Buck inside him, staring down at him with luminous blue eyes – nothing had ever felt so right before, and he clutched him and told him he loved him; kissed his lovely pink lips and was gasping as he came for the second time, an orgasm so pure and complete that it left him dumbstruck after, unable to do anything but stare at Buck in amazement.

Afterwards, Buck pulled the blankets up around them and kissed him again. "Worth the wait?" he asked sleepily, resting his head on Eddie's shoulder.

Eddie had his arm around Buck's shoulders, slowly running his fingers through his hair. "Yeah," he murmured. "Definitely worth the wait."

~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope this was a nice reprieve from all the angst - one chapter to go!


	10. Chapter 10

At the start, they were discreet. No touching at work – that was the agreement – but Buck was so goddamn terrible at keeping his hands to himself that it started to creep in. Hand brushing, here and there, or a firm pat on the back that lingered maybe a little too long. After the truck fire in the tunnel that very nearly caused a nuclear incident in Los Angeles, they shared a shower, in the middle of the night, while everyone else was in the bunks.

Buck's loft was their haven, and they escaped there after work and before Eddie had to go home, to squeeze in some precious moments alone before returning to the real world. When Buck came off the blood thinners and was given the all-clear health-wise, all bets were off – and conveniently Christopher had a big sleepover planned, so they had almost twenty-four hours together in the loft, and by the end of it, they were both moving around a little gingerly.

They couldn't get enough of each other, that was the problem – well, not really a problem so much as a challenge that needed to be overcome. Buck's worst habit was that he was so goddamn flirtatious, all the time, and Eddie was masterful at shooting him death stares to get him to quit it, which he almost never did.

And the thing was, nobody noticed. If they did, nothing was said to them – everyone was so wrapped up in their own lives that they weren't really paying attention to Buck and Eddie, always together – arriving together, leaving together and spending every night together. Chimney asked Buck one day if he was going to start dating again – if he was finally over his break-up with Abby – and that's when it hit Eddie that they all thought Buck was still pining after _her_.

Buck had simply grinned at Chimney and replied, "Nah, I'm just going to be single for a while. Saving myself for marriage."

They'd laughed at that, but Buck shot Eddie a look, a small smile playing on his lips.

Later that night, when everyone was asleep in the bunks and they were on the couch together, Eddie's head in Buck's lap, Buck murmured, "How can they not see?"

"They think you're still heartbroken."

"Man, I haven't thought about Abby in months," Buck replied, bending over to press a kiss to Eddie's lips. "We haven't even really been hiding."

"Nope." Eddie reached up to cup his face, smiling up at him. "I love you."

"I love you too," Buck whispered, and kissed him again. He had one hand cradled under Eddie's head and the other on his chest, splayed out over the thin material of his t-shirt. "I'm sorry it took me so long to figure out."

"Yeah, you were really annoying," Eddie teased. "Dicking me around."

Buck shrugged. "I kept trying to fight the fact that I was falling more in love with you all the time. It was a losing battle."

"I never understood why you didn't just break up with her."

"I cared about her, Eds… and she kept telling me how much she needed me, and you kept trying to distance yourself, but the further away you pulled, the more I wanted to cling to you. I knew it was wrong. I just couldn't help myself but try to keep you close. Because you weren't wrong, you know? I needed to see if we could make a relationship work, and then end it with her officially, for closure. I needed that, as horrible as it was. Now I know we weren't compatible. There's no wondering anymore. I wish her well," he said, lifting his hand to stroke Eddie's cheek, "and I know she's happier too."

"You needed to figure out what you didn't want," Eddie murmured.

"That's right. And the answer to the question of what I've been searching for suddenly became very clear." Buck gazed down at him adoringly. "You make me so happy, Eddie. I love you so much."

"I'm glad you finally figured your shit out," Eddie replied, tilting his chin up so Buck could kiss him again. "I love you. We love you."

Buck was positively glowing with pleasure. "Good."

Eddie propped himself up a bit, and said, "I'm going to tell my parents… at some point. I just… don't want to have that conversation yet."

"That's okay. There's no rush. I haven't told Maddie yet, either." The smile faded from his face, and he grimaced. "I should probably tell her… she's been distracted lately with Chim, you know? And I think as long as I'm happy, she doesn't ask too many questions."

"She doesn't suspect anything?"

"If she does, she's never asked me directly." Buck brushed his fingers through Eddie's hair, and Eddie leaned into his touch. "We'll figure it out."

"Yeah, we will," he agreed.

Buck nodded, and then whispered hesitantly, "I'm a good boyfriend, right? You're happy?"

Eddie was more than happy to give him the reassurance. "Yeah, you're the best," he said sweetly. "And you're not too bad in the sack either."

Buck's eyes lit up with mischief. "Not too bad? Well, we're going to have to put some practice in, aren't we?"

~

When Eddie was trapped underground, trying to fight his way back out, the panic and fear was swallowed by up overwhelming despair. Despair that he'd never see Christopher again; that he was going to leave like Shannon, and Christopher would be alone in the world. Despair that he was leaving Buck behind as well, and he'd been thinking about moving in together, and maybe marriage, maybe more kids… maybe a life together, if Buck wanted it.

He fought with every last bit of strength left in him until he broke through the surface of the lake, gasping for oxygen – exhaustion and pure sweet _relief_ washing over him with those precious first few breaths of fresh, cool air. He splashed over to the muddy bank and dragged himself up, coughing up water before closing his eyes. It was tempting to give into the darkness and drop off to sleep, right then and there, but Christopher and Buck's faces flashed into his mind, and he forced himself to move. He staggered towards the lights, finally breaking through the group of first responders and collapsing almost as soon as Buck had a hand on him.

They had to part when Eddie was guided into an ambulance, shivering violently. Buck hovered outside, one hand to his mouth, watching with tearful eyes as Hen and Chimney checked him over. Bobby stepped up to him and clapped a hand on his shoulder, and Eddie saw a look pass between them before Bobby's eyes turned to Eddie with concern.

Did he know? What had happened?

"We'll follow in the truck," Bobby called to them. "You guys take him to the hospital."

"Buck," Eddie croaked out urgently, and that was enough for Buck to break away from Bobby and clamber into the back of the ambulance.

"I'll go with him, Cap," Buck said gruffly. "I'll have to call Carla and Eddie's Abuela."

Bobby nodded, casting another confused look at them, before closing the doors.

With Chimney driving, Hen monitored Eddie's vitals as they headed into the city to the hospital. He was out of his sodden clothes and wrapped up in warm blankets with a space blanket on top, barely able to keep his eyes open. He could feel the heavy weight of Buck's hand on his leg through the blankets, enough to reassure him that they were still connected.

Hen said quietly, "How long?"

Eddie was on the brink of sleep, but he opened his eyes a crack, wondering who she was speaking to.

Buck said, "Since right after I came back to work."

"Six months," she murmured. "Who knows?"

"You."

"Not Maddie?"

Buck shook his head. "No one."

"Everyone now, Buckaroo," she said wryly. " _Everyone._ "

Eddie had no idea what she meant by that.

~

It turned out that Buck had had a breakdown and had to be dragged away by Bobby, and the television in the corner of the hospital room showed him some grainy footage of that very scene, while his Abuela and Carla gazed up at the screen in shock. Carla _knew_ – she was the only one - but he hadn't told anybody in his family at all.

Buck had disappeared; Eddie hadn't seen him since the ambulance. He asked Carla to go find him, and she patted him on the shoulder and headed out determinedly. Christopher was sitting in a seat by the bed, gazing at him with worry.

"I'm okay," Eddie said to him, his voice still a little gravelly. "They're going to let me come home in the morning."

His Abuela had her hand on his shoulder. "It's Buck, isn't it," she said quietly. "The person you've been dating."

He nodded, scared she'd pull away, but instead her grip increased. He looked up at her gratefully, and she smiled down at him with love.

"Found him," Carla announced from the doorway, practically shoving Buck into the room. He was still in his work pants and suspenders over his tight black LAFD t-shirt, and Carla had a hold of his arm.

Christopher was the one who held his arms out for a hug, and Buck crossed the room and picked him up easily, but turned his back guiltily, unable to meet Eddie's eyes.

"Buck," Eddie said wearily. "It's okay."

"Your friends just wish you'd told them, I think," Carla said gently. "It's okay."

Buck moved so he was facing Eddie, his eyes full of tears. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Isabel. I'm sorry you had to find out like this."

Isabel smiled warmly at him. "It's okay. I think maybe, deep down, I knew. You two have been very happy the last few months."

"Very happy," Carla remarked, squeezing Eddie's hand.

Buck sniffled. "Yeah, we are."

"He's my boyfriend," Eddie said softly.

Buck nodded tearfully; hugging Christopher close. Christopher asked hopefully, "Can we start telling people now?"

"Yeah, we're telling people," Eddie replied, covering his eyes with his hand. "God, I'm exhausted."

"We'll go," Carla said instantly. "Christopher will go with your Abuela tonight, Eddie."

"I'll bring him home in the morning," Buck said hoarsely, setting Christopher on the side of Eddie's bed so he could hug him goodbye. "I'm going to stay here tonight."

Once they were alone, Buck collapsed into the chair beside the bed and hunched over, pressing both hands to his face. Eddie's eyes were burning, and he desperately wanted to close them and drift off to sleep, but not with Buck looking so devastated.

"You want to talk about it?" he asked, using Buck's trick to get him to speak.

"They all thought you were dead." Buck sucked in a breath, lifting his head. "And I knew you weren't. There was no way in hell you wouldn't fight to come home to Christopher."

He opened his mouth to speak, but the door opened, and Bobby stepped into the room. Buck was on his feet in a flash, his eyes huge. Bobby nodded at him and then gave Eddie a concerned look. "How are you feeling?"

"I'll be all right, just trying to warm up," he said hoarsely. "I'm sorry, Cap, for cutting the rope. I just needed another minute."

Bobby glanced at Buck then, who turned his eyes to the ground.

"And how long has this been going on?" he asked, gesturing between them.

"Since Buck came back to work," Eddie replied honestly.

"Not before, when he was staying with you?"

Buck murmured, "Kinda."

Bobby held his hands out, shaking his head. "You should've said something, guys, so I could've been prepared for Buck absolutely losing his mind tonight."

Buck's lips trembled. Eddie said, "It won't happen again."

"It will, though." Bobby heaved a sigh. "All right. Get some rest, take tomorrow off, and I'll see you Friday afternoon for your shift. And Buck, you can have tomorrow as well. We'll talk about the rest of this on Friday."

"Sure thing, Cap," Eddie said tiredly. "Hey, can you flick the light off on the way out?"

Bobby gave him an affectionate look. "Sure. Feel better, Eddie."

"Thanks."

As soon as Bobby was gone and the door was closed, Buck slumped down into the seat again and covered his face. Eddie's eyes were drooping shut, and all he could do was murmur, "Hold my hand."

So Buck shifted the chair closer, clutched Eddie's hand tightly, and the last thing Eddie felt before he drifted off to sleep was the gentle caress of Buck's lips on his fingers.

~

Buck left his side for an hour in the early morning, to head back to the station to shower, change and grab his car. When he returned, he had two cups of coffee on a tray, and a brown paper bag with a grease stain on the bottom.

"I don't know how much hospital food has improved since I was here," he said, "so I got you a bacon and egg roll just in case. You hungry?"

"Starved," Eddie said, tilting his head up so Buck could kiss him. "You okay?"

"Yeah, let's get you discharged and home." Buck was avoiding eye contact, fussing with the food.

Eddie wanted to press him for answers but settled for taking the coffee from him instead. Buck sat down in his chair, scrubbing his face, running his hands through his hair aimlessly.

Eddie was halfway through his sandwich when Buck suddenly spoke. "It's the fact that they wouldn't let me go after you."

He paused mid-bite, looking over at him.

"And I know that it's _you_ , and obviously they didn't know we're together, but they knew we're close, but like… I was asking Bobby to give you time, just a little more time… and I was overruled. I mean, I get it, he's the captain, that's his call but fuck, Eds. You cut the line the first time and my heart just dropped, and then… we're about to pull you up and the rig collapses right on top of you." He had an anguished look on his face, his hand cupped over his mouth. "And I wasn't sure you were still alive, but I wasn't going to give up. Not for one fucking second. Not when there was a chance. You're fucking strong, Eddie… I had hope."

He set the sandwich down in his lap and said, "I'm right here. I got myself out."

"I should've gotten you out," Buck muttered, determined to brood, and blame himself. "I should've fought harder when they sent Chim down."

"Same damn thing would've happened, Buckley, and you know it." Eddie studied him. "Hey, you know you and Christopher were the two things keeping me going. There was no way I wasn't going to fight to come back to the both of you."

A glimmer of a smile crossed Buck's face, before he turned serious again and said, "Don't do that to me again though, all right? I hated it."

It was Eddie's turn to grin. "All right."

"And no more hospitals," Buck said, looking around the room unhappily.

"Deal."

~

"So I'm totally confused," Maddie said, gesturing between them with a pair of salad tongs. "When did you get together? Buck has mentioned absolutely nothing about this."

Eddie and Buck exchanged a look. They were having dinner with at Maddie's apartment with the whole group, who were gazing at them expectantly. Eddie had a feeling the dinner had been planned solely so they could be interrogated as a couple, and from the way Buck was gripping his hand under the table, it was clear that Buck thought the same thing.

"Specifically," Hen said with a grin, raising her eyebrows at them. "Be very specific."

Eddie glanced at Athena, who was trying to hide a smile. He said, "We hooked up last year after we all got drugged."

"Yes, they did," Athena couldn't help but add. "I can attest to that."

Eddie went red. "Yep."

"But Abby…" Maddie trailed off, chewing on her lower lip. "Abby came back right after that happened."

Buck glanced at Eddie. "Yeah… we took a step back, went our separate ways, and then… after she and I broke up and I was staying with him at his place, it kinda started back up again."

"You could've told us," Chimney spoke up, passing the salad down the table to Bobby. "We don't care, you know that. Buck, I tried to set you up with someone like two weeks ago."

"Yeah, I know, Eddie was pretty pissed about it."

"Oh, is that why he nearly bit my head off that afternoon?" Chimney asked knowingly. "I didn't know you were a thing! If I'd known you were a thing, I obviously would've made sure you weren't in earshot when I gave Buck her number."

There was a smattering of laughter, but Eddie shot Chimney a warning look, taking Buck's hand under the table again. "Funny."

Chimney smirked at him.

"Well, we're all happy for you," Athena said, holding up her glass. "I'm very happy you two finally figured yourselves out. I'm sorry you couldn't tell everyone the way you wanted to, but—"

"Yeah, we weren't going to tell you," Buck said with a shrug. "Sorry. We kinda liked sneaking around."

Hen shook her head. "I can't even say that I had a feeling something was going on, because I _didn't_. How the hell did you manage to hide this from us for so long?"

Eddie glanced at Buck, who said, "We haven't really been hiding it. We just haven't been affectionate at work. If you'd asked us, we probably would've told you. It wasn't a secret, as such… just… something we decided not to talk about."

"A secret," Bobby said dryly. "Eddie's idea?"

"No, mine," Buck said honestly. "You were all so interested in my relationship with Abby – well, this time I thought I'd keep things under wraps."

"So this has been a little more drama-free," Chimney said, raising his eyebrows. "Whatever happened to Abby, anyway?"

"She moved to Tucson with her new boyfriend. She met him when she was in Europe and then they got back together after we split up."

The group exchanged pointed looks. Before anyone could say anything, Eddie cut in and said, "Listen, she's happy. We're happy. That's all that matters."

~

Eddie was washing up in the kitchen when Maddie bustled in with a few more plates, setting them down on the sink beside him. "Thanks," he said, adding them to the water. "Dinner was great, by the way."

"Buck likes to make sure you're well fed; he was slipping you extra all night," she said knowingly, pouring herself another glass of wine. "I should've picked up on that at the dinner party from hell. I thought Josh was being ridiculous when he told me that he thought Buck was in love with you. I never even knew Buck was into guys."

"Buck falls in love with the person, I think," Eddie said. "It doesn't matter so much what their gender is."

"Ah. He does have some secrets, my brother," she said knowingly, and then paused, before saying awkwardly, "Um, Eddie… I wanted to say something to you but it never really felt like the right time, and… I'm just going to say it, if that's all right?"

He turned to her, concerned, wiping his hands on a cloth. "What's up?"

Maddie flashed him a sad smile and said simply, "Shannon."

_Oh._ He nodded quickly. "Yeah."

"I'm so sorry. I really am. We exchanged numbers that night and I meant to text her to see if she was free for coffee one day, but everything happened with Doug and… I just forgot." Maddie wore a guilty expression, twisting her hands together. "She was so lovely and nice to me. I was so shocked when she died… I didn't know how to go about saying something to you."

"It's okay," he replied quietly. "Thank you, though. I know she liked you a lot too."

Maddie nodded, her eyes glistening. "Here's the thing, though… at the dinner party from hell, before everything… went pear-shaped, she was talking about you. About how you're so sweet and lovely, and you and Buck have this special friendship, and she was so happy that you'd found someone who deserved you. At the time I wasn't quite sure what she was talking about, but now… she was trying to tell me that you guys were in love, wasn't she?"

He let out a breathy laugh. "Honestly? Probably, knowing Shannon. She wanted us to get together. I bet she thought if she dropped the hint to you, you would get in Buck's ear and make it happen."

"I didn't quite realise what she was saying," Maddie admitted, looking embarrassed. "I was so wrapped up in hating Abby, to be honest. But, um… Eddie… what I want to say is that… it's been clear to me for a while how much you love him. I mean, you took care of him after the explosion and let him stay with you, and he's so close with Christopher… he talks about you guys all the time. I think you're really good for him… well, actually, I think you're probably good for each other. It's a more even playing field, if that makes sense?"

He nodded. "Yeah. We understand each other."

Maddie sipped her wine and leaned in confidentially. "That's why I didn't like her. It was her way or the highway, and he was just being strung along. And look – I know she's not a bad person; they were just a bad match, and I know that I was way out of line at the dinner party. I was just frustrated. Every time I talked to him, all he did was complain, and I was like, why are you even with her? I didn't understand."

"I don't know myself. Only Buck knows the answer to that."

"Well, I'm glad he moved on, anyway." Maddie eyed him, and then said, "And I give you my blessing. You know it means a lot. You know I will call you out in front of everyone if I feel I have to."

He held his hands up and said seriously, "Maddie, please, I swear – you have nothing to worry about; I'll treat him like the prince he is. Please don't rip me to shreds in front of my friends. I'm begging you."

"Just don't give me a reason," she teased, as Buck strode into the room with a handful of glassware. "Careful! Don't you dare drop anything."

Buck pretended to trip and she shrieked at him, but he recovered and set everything down on the bench. "I'm as graceful as a ballerina," he said, stepping past her to pull Eddie into his arms. "Why are you doing this? Come and sit down with us."

"I'm trying to get in Maddie's good graces," Eddie replied, grinning as Buck kissed his cheek.

Maddie was watching them, her eyes sparkling. "This, I approve of," she declared. "This makes me happy."

"Thank god," Buck remarked. "I'd rather every dinner party didn't end with you tearing strips off my partner."

She arched her eyebrows. "Give me time. We're playing Monopoly, aren't we? You guys are toast."

Buck smirked at her. "I think you underestimate me, _Madeline_."

"Oh, we'll see about that, _Evan._ "

~

"What were you talking to Maddie about?" Buck asked him later that night, sliding under the covers and wrapping himself around Eddie.

"Shannon, and then she gave me her blessing to date you," he murmured, fiddling with his watch. "I think the damn battery is going on this thing."

Buck took it out of his hands, examining it. "Probably. Did she really say that?"

"Yeah, and reiterated that it means a lot." Eddie eyed him. "If she'd told you to dump Abby, would you have?"

"She told me multiple times to dump Abby," he replied, passing the watch back. "We had arguments about it."

"Why didn't you?"

He sighed. "I don't know. It'd be bad, and then it would be good again for a while and I'd remember why I liked her so much. If you'd asked me to be with you, I would've broken up with her. I couldn’t stop thinking about you the whole time we were together. I apologised to her for that, you know. I never should've started things back up again."

"It's my fault."

"No, it's mine. I could've fought for you too, you know." Buck ran his thumb along Eddie's cheekbone, gazing at him affectionately. "I was just scared, Eds. I was falling in love with you, and it was terrifying."

They shared a long look. Buck's thumb slipped down over Eddie's lips. "I really do love you," Eddie said softly.

"I love you too." Buck smiled sweetly at him. "You're the only one I ever want to be with."

They kissed again, holding each other, and he was sure – so damn sure – that there was never going to be anyone else; that the love he felt for Buck surpassed anything he'd ever felt before. They were on track, _finally,_ and their friends were in on the secret, and everything was going to be okay.

~

Four days later, Abby appeared at the site of the train derailment, and Buck made a promise to her that turned Eddie's blood to ice. He kept his cool at the scene, for the most part, though his heart was in his throat as Buck hung off the side of the upturned train, cutting a hole in the side of the car. He couldn't breathe normally again until Buck was safely on the ground.

They were at the scene until the early hours of the morning, and Eddie was silent when they returned to the 118 to shower and change before heading home. Buck kept shooting him hangdog looks, as though he thought they were about to have a fight – when in reality Eddie was tired of fighting; of competing with Abby for Buck's affections. He'd been so happy and secure, and then she'd walked right back in and Buck had made that stupid fucking promise without thinking, and… it cut like a knife.

He waited until they arrived at the loft – Christopher was with his Abuela for the day – and once the door was closed, and before he could say his peace, Buck said urgently, "Eddie, listen. I know you're mad."

He just shook his head, his hands on his hips.

"Please, just… as soon as the words were out of my mouth, I knew I shouldn't have said them." There was a tremor to Buck's voice Eddie had never heard before. "I didn't even think about what I was saying until it was said. Eddie, you are… everything to me, and… I realise I should never have made her that promise. The only person I should be promising is _you_."

Eddie regarded him seriously, his brow furrowed. "I'm not mad," he said, and then sighed. "Well, I'm… a little pissed off. You shouldn't make promises to anyone we're trying to save. What if Sam had died? What if there was nothing we could do to save him, Buck? Then what?"

Buck nodded, swallowing hard.

"You can't throw yourself away for someone else," he said bitterly. "If you made that promise to her, and then you died trying to save _him_ – she's going to go on with her life, you know? She's going to walk away and live the rest of her life. Your life is not as important to her as it is _to me_. If you died, Christopher and I would be left behind. We're your family. We're the ones who will have to live with the devastation for the rest of our lives, not her. She'll move on. We _won't_."

Buck's lips trembled. He couldn't meet Eddie's eyes, his gaze lowered, guilt plainly written all over him.

"I'm not asking you not to do risky things," he said quietly. "I'm asking you to just… think about me, sometimes. Because I love you, so much. So fucking much. You're everything to me, Buck. Like… second only to Christopher. A world without you is not one I want to live in."

Buck gasped, choking back a sob, tears brimming in his eyes. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"It's okay. You don't have to apologise, just…" Eddie took a step towards him, gazing at him imploringly. "Just don't do it again."

Tears spilled down his cheeks. "I won't. I promise."

"You and your promises."

Buck wiped his eyes, clearing his throat. "Yeah. I love you too, you know. I'm so scared I’m going to do something to mess this up… tonight, the way you looked at me? Fuck. I thought… you were going to tell me we were done."

"Hey, I'm not like those other people who float in and out of your life," Eddie replied gently. "I'm still here, aren't I? A year of waiting, and I'm still here. I'm telling you, Buck. I knew right from the start."

Buck sniffled. "I can't believe you're not mad."

"Nah. I mean, yeah, I was pissed off, but I'm okay now."

"Yeah, I know you were pissed off, it was written all over your face." Buck cleared his throat, pulling Eddie into his arms, resting his head on his shoulder. "I just felt like I owed her."

"For what?"

"For… being with her but not really being with her the second time," he confessed. "For not being honest with her or myself. I know how much she loves that guy, you know… and I know she's looking for the same thing that I have with you. I wanted her to have that."

"And you were right," Eddie said simply, sliding a hand up and down Buck's back. "You came up with a solution and executed it perfectly, and you didn't die. We saved everyone thanks to you."

"I won't do it again."

"The promise, or the big damn hero stuff?" Eddie asked.

"Both," Buck murmured.

"Nah, the big damn hero stuff is what you do, and you know it. I just hate when you go somewhere I can't follow."

Buck lifted his head, a hesitant smile on his face. "Right back at ya."

Eddie tilted his chin up, trying not to grin. "I was okay."

"And so was I. You came closer than I did." Buck's arms encircled his back, and he pressed a gentle kiss to Eddie's cheek. "I love you."

Eddie nodded, nuzzling against Buck's neck. "I love you too. Hey… I've got a question for you. Do you want to move in with me? Get rid of the loft, and move in permanently?"

Buck lifted his head, surprised, and then nodded eagerly. "Yes."

Eddie smiled. "Good. Let's do that then."

"I would love that," Buck whispered, his voice full of emotion. "I love you, and Christopher. I love you both so much."

"I love you too," he said, leaning in to kiss him sweetly. Buck hummed under his breath as their lips touched, and almost as soon as they parted, Eddie had to cover his mouth to stifle a yawn. "I'm exhausted. Take me to bed?"

Buck grinned at him. "My pleasure."

~

Nobody was expecting Abby to show up at the 118, holding a cardboard box with a thank you cake in it, least of all Eddie, who wanted to disappear into the floor as soon as he spotted her climbing the stairs. Buck, sitting beside him on the couch, sat up stiffly and watched as she greeted the others, holding open the box so they could see the cake.

"Go on," Eddie said to him.

"Not without you," he replied, taking him by the hand and pulling him to his feet.

Eddie reluctantly followed him over to the group, flashing a quick, tense smile at her. She looked as impeccable as always, her strawberry blonde hair draped over one shoulder, and she gave Buck a genuine, warm smile and leaned in to kiss him on the cheek.

"I know you did a risky thing the other night," she began, her eyes on him, "and I just wanted to stop by and tell you how grateful I am that you took the chance. You're a great firefighter, Buck. I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate you saving Sam's life – and he appreciates it as well and would be here if he could."

Buck lifted his shoulders, embarrassed. "It's my job. I'm just glad we were able to rescue him."

"Buck did great," Bobby agreed, clapping him on the shoulder. "And you really didn't have to stop by with a cake. Chimney's trying to get into the calendar again next year."

"Hey," Chimney protested, taking the cake box out of Abby's hands. "I'll make the decisions about that, thank you very much."

"Stay for a while and have a piece with us," Hen said to Abby, who hesitated briefly, but then nodded. "Tell us all about Tucson and your wedding."

"Okay," she agreed, following Hen over to the table. "I won't stay long; I have to get back to the hospital."

Buck didn't follow – he turned to Eddie instead, draping both hands over his shoulders, and said, "Let's play pool."

"You don't want cake?"

"Nah, I'm watching my figure," he replied with a grin, and then leaned in to whisper in Eddie's ear, "If I win, your ass is mine."

Eddie smirked. "And if I win?"

"Vice versa."

"Deal."

Buck kissed him quickly, and then grabbed him by the hand, tugging him over to the pool table. Eddie glanced at the group and found Abby gazing at them with surprise. She was _surprised?_ After _everything?_

~

Annoyingly, Buck won, but that was more than okay. Eddie rewarded him with a kiss on the cheek, ignoring Chimney's catcalls from the dining table – well, he was able to restrain himself, but Buck held up his middle finger in response.

They wandered back over to the group, where Abby was saying her goodbyes. "It was so lovely catching up with you all," she said, sliding the strap of her handbag over her shoulder. "And thank you again for everything. Please give my best to Athena, and to Maddie as well."

Chimney raised his eyebrows, smirking, but didn't respond.

"I'll walk you out," Buck said to her.

"And Eddie, as well," she replied, raising her eyebrows at him. "If that's okay."

Eddie had been hoping to collapse onto the couch, but he nodded, exchanging a quick, confused look with Hen, who so clearly wanted to follow and eavesdrop. Abby said her final goodbyes, and Buck and Eddie followed her down the stairs and out to the front of the station. Eddie was sure if he turned around, he would find Bobby, Hen and Chimney watching them from the balcony.

"So," Abby said, turning to them with a smile. "It finally happened."

Buck took Eddie's hand. "Yep. After we broke up."

"And a bit before," she replied, and shrugged at Buck. "I'm sorry. I really am sorry. I was so confused; I didn't know what I wanted, and you're safe – which I know is not the basis of a relationship and I have no excuse, but… I just didn't know what I wanted."

"Me either," Buck replied, and then glanced at Eddie fondly. "But I do now."

"Marriage?"

"Yeah, one day," he replied. "For now, we're just moving in together."

"Ah. Eddie's a much better match for you than I am," she said quietly. "He clearly makes you happy."

"And Sam, for you," Buck pointed out. "We're better off."

"Yes, we are. Can I talk to Eddie alone for a moment? Is that okay?"

Buck hesitated, turning to Eddie to have a silent conversation. Eddie had no interest in speaking with her but figured he should just get it over with. "Yeah, sure," he agreed.

Buck clung to him a second longer, before releasing his hand, wandering over to the station entrance and out of earshot. Abby met his eyes and said, "God, I find you so intimidating. I hate looking at you."

Taken aback, he said, "Sorry? I don't mean to be."

"No, it's not your fault, it's me. You're so sure of yourself. I knew you wanted him. You knew you wanted him. And now you have him – how did you know, Eddie? And how did you force yourself to wait for as long as you did?"

He thought for a moment and replied, "You said to me once that you know a good thing when you see it – well, I do too. There's nobody but him; I haven't even looked at anybody else since I met him."

"But he loved me," she replied. "He was in love with me."

"Not after you left and came back," he replied, and her mouth dropped open in surprise. "I think you know that. But I wasn't going to break you up. He needed to figure it out for himself, and he did. I don't dictate things to him. I never have; never would. That's not our relationship."

Abby regarded him coldly. "That feels like a dig at me."

He shrugged. "Watching you and Buck was kind of a like a what-not-to-do-in-a-relationship guide," he said bluntly. "I just do the exact opposite. I'm in love with him, and he's in love with me. He doesn’t have to earn my love and he doesn't have to prove himself to me; I trust him. That's the difference. I hope you have that with Sam."

She glanced over at Buck again, whose eyes were trained on Eddie, waiting for the signal to come back. "I really don't like you," she admitted. "But you seem to make him happy, so it's okay with me."

Eddie lifted his chin and said calmly and quietly, "I never asked you for your opinion; I never asked you for your blessing. I don't care what you think. Enjoy your life with Sam. He's a nice guy. I hope it all works out." With that he took a step back, holding his hand out, and Buck was at his side in an instant.

"See you, Abby," Buck said to her, pulling Eddie in close. "Have a great wedding. Say hi to Sam for us."

"I will," she replied, a mixture of shock and confusion on her face. "Be happy, Buck."

A bright smile flashed across Buck's face. "Oh yeah," he said, and kissed Eddie on the cheek. "Yeah, I will. You too. Come on, Eds."

They turned and went back into the station, and as they approached the balcony, Hen leaned over the edge and said warningly, "You two better tell me _everything._ "

"And me, so I can tell Maddie," Chimney added, joining her at the railings. "She's already blowing a gasket about Abby stopping by today. You should see the texts. Quick, get up here."

Buck held a hand up to them, turning to Eddie seriously. "What did she say?" he asked with concern. "Are you angry?"

"No," he replied, slipping his hands around Buck's waist. "She was just herself. That's all. I told her how happy we are. Nothing to worry about."

"Good," Buck said, relieved, and leaned in to kiss him. "Come on."

~

Later that night, while sitting on the couch in front of the TV, with Buck curled up on one side with his head on Eddie's shoulder and Christopher leaning against him on the other side, Eddie's arms around them both, he couldn't help but chuckle at the idea of _Abby_ giving him her blessing. He twirled his fingers in Buck's soft curls, thinking about her, and how meaningless her opinion was when it came to _them_. Their relationship was theirs, and their love was theirs alone. Everybody else faded into the background; all their opinions and voices insignificant.

Eddie had decided long ago that anybody who had used Evan Buckley and cast him aside was truly _an absolute fucking moron,_ because how? And why? How could they not see what he saw in Buck, almost instantly? There was no one he'd rather spend his days and nights with; no one he'd rather wake up next to. No one he trusted more with his son or his own life. He'd chosen Buck without hesitation or question – this person, the one who gave himself so selflessly to others, the one who lit up a room with his mere presence, was _his person_.

No doubt about it.

~the end~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we're done! What a ride, you guys! I hope the angst was worth it in the end. 😊
> 
> Thanks for all your comments, I really appreciate them! 🥰💖💖

**Author's Note:**

> I would like to say a huge THANK YOU to [cnomad](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cnomad/pseuds/cnomad) for being my sounding board for this fic, and her invaluable assistance and cheerleading every step of the way. SERIOUSLY THANK YOU. 💖
> 
> Talk to me @ Tumblr: [woodchoc-magnum](https://woodchoc-magnum.tumblr.com/)


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